I think its wonderful that you gave him a meaningful gift...so meaningful that he thought is other patients would appreciate and benefit from its symbolism as well.

Taking it home to put on his tree would have been the obvious thing to do. That he has chosen to keep it in his office for others to enjoy...to me that shows that the gift had a lot of meaning to him.

I know that you're having a lot of axiety about this, but after reading the whole story I really think choosing to hang it up in his office really showed how much he liked it. A little personal story- my dad went to Vegas recently and he brought back ornaments for my sister and I with our names on it.... It's one of the only thing he's ever bought for me, and there was no way I was going to hang it up on my tree and then pack it away in a box for the whole rest of the year till it was finally Christmas again. I found a perfect spot for it in my room where I can see it from my bed where it will stay. I know this might not help at all, but I really do think that your T loved your gift and wanted to hang it where he would be able to see it all the time.... I know it's easy and normal to freak out about this kinda stuff too though.... I only gave my T a card and I worried for days if what i said in it was too much or something.
-Mac

Aw, Liese, that was such an appropriate and good gift. Simple and sweet and small. I think his desire to hang it up was good - and it sounds like he knew you would notice or did notice, and he tried to explain why he hung it there.

...and it would throw me off too. It sounds like you gave him an ornament for him to enjoy. A simple and sweet holiday gift - that you didn't mean for him to hang in his office, not where you would see it every day.

I gave my T something I made in an art therapy session (an origami bird), and I gave it to her, and it sits on her desk. When I first noticed it, it bugged me. I felt so bad that it bothered me to see it in her office too. Eventually, I talked to my T about it... it was really hard to initiate talking about it... but I was so glad I did. She explained what it meant to her, and that if I wanted, she would put it away, or keep it out. She didn't make it a big deal, but also respected that it was kind of a bigger deal than I thought for me to see it. I suddenly felt so insecure and self conscious about a small gift that I gave out of a simple thought. In the end, I said it was ok for her to keep out on her desk. Now it doesn't phase me. But I also know that if it did, she would put it away or take it home, and it would be out of respect for me, and not because she didn't like me or the bird, and she would still enjoy it as a small but meaningful gift to her.

It ended up being a good way for me to talk a little of my relationship with her too (which I have a very hard time doing).

If the ornament bugs you, it doesn't mean you are a jerk or did something wrong at all! It would make a lot of sense to want to ask him to not hang it where you would likely see it every session. And it is just an ornament, a small gift, but it is still a vulnerable thing to do - because he matters to you.

I doubt his desire to hang it up in his office is about him not wanting to take it home. He has to sit in that office all day, but not at his house. Every day he goes to his office, he sees it. If he didn't like it, it wouldn't have hung it where it he would see it every day.

There may be all kinds of reasons why he hung it or would take it down - and I doubt any are because he doesn't like it or you. I really encourage you to ask him, talk to him about it, let him tell you more of what he thinks and why he hung it - and have the conversation you might have had if you both had the time for him to open it with you in his office. I don't think you would be a jerk at all to bring it up with him that it is distracting for you to see when you are there. The session should be about you - and good T's want to know of stuff that's just too distracting, for whatever reason...

you did something sweet and simple, and your reaction doesn't mean you are a jerk at all. try to talk to him about it if you can... and be kind to you!

safe hugs,
~jane

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That was so wierd? What the heck was that? Has that ever happened to anyone????

DF, Mac, Janedoe and Ladygrey,

Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me. They really helped a lot!!! I'll try to stop feeling like a jerk!!! LOL.

HUGS to all,

Liese

By the sounds of what he said I think he really loved it and the whole idea of radiating hope is beautiful. Try not to be anxious about it anymore, I know I know easier said than done. You did a sweet thing and I think he appreciated it.

Hugs

Hi Liese, please don't feel like a jerk or anything else bad. I think your T really liked your gift and it's message and wanted to keep it in his office so he could see it and so that YOU could see it and realize that he liked it.

You know over the years oldT had a few of my gifts out on display, mostly on his fireplace mantel. I loved seeing my things there. He even kept a small clay figure that my son made for him there. Some time after my son gave it to him he told me how much he loved it and that's why he kept it there. Another time, while we were having a discussion about how hard it was to keep the connection to him while I was not there, he pointed to my things on the mantel and said... your presence is always here. This is part of you. When you are gone from here part of you is always here. I loved hearing that ... it make me feel so wonderful and connected thinking that part of me was there in his office all the time.

Hard to imagine those words coming from the guy who abandoned me. I wonder if he threw away my things now or if they are still around the office.

So...I think he put it out on display to please you and to let you know that a part of you remains there if when you are not physically present. It's a good thing.

TN

((Liese)) we are so bloody hard on ourselves, put ourselves down at the drop of a hat and simply don't trust - especially when we give of ourselves!!! Well, that's me anyhow
TN said

quote:

So...I think he put it out on display to please you and to let you know that a part of you remains there if when you are not physically present. It's a good thing.

TN is so on the button Liese - I would be so pleased if a gift I'd given was put up for all The message *hope* will be for all to see - sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously and it's your special message to your T and shared - I think that's really special

FWIW - take care
Morgs

Draggers, Halo, TN and Morgs,

Thank you all for your support. Why can't a gift just be a gift right? Why do I have to read into it so much? Saw T yesterday and actually looked at what the ornament was hanging on. It was hanging on a coat rack to the left of his head. He used to have a coat rack to the right in the corner. I didn't think to look if it was still there - if he has two coat racks or moved the one to hang the ornament. I will next time. I go in there with all these great intentions of talking to him about a million things and I then I get nervous and talk about a fraction of what I wanted to talk about. It's so maddening!!!

It didn't bother me as much to see it this time. I guess we could wind up having a really good conversation if i had the B*lls to bring it up and he said he loved it, like you all say he does.

T actually referred to "our relationship" yesterday, which was a first. And he said we have to work on trust issues. Does anyone know how to do that? How on earth do you work on trusting someone? He just said something about consistency, so maybe you don't work on it directly but indirectly as the relationship unfolds? He said it might take a long time for me to trust him but that was okay. I feel like this man is offering me the GIFT of a lifetime. If I could learn to be secure and actually go out into the world and feel good about myself? And, then, of course all the positive benefits would trickle down to my kids. What a plus!!! How can I turn that down????

((((((((((HOPE)))))))) Do you feel it radiating? (((((((HOPE)))))))) all is well out there with you all!!! LOL!!!

Liese

A little P.S. to Halo!!! Love the name. One of my favorite songs by Beyonce. Listened to it incessantly when I had my huge crisis in October!!!!

Oh Liese, that was a lovely post- the battery are going out any second, i just wanted to let you know i also read your first poster and agree with everyone else, that it was a great thing giving that gift, and that your T seemed to appreacciate it when hanging it there in the office. Thanks for passing on the HOPE here, its needed around! I think its amazing also that you feel your T are offoring a gift to you! Thats a great feeling, aint it? Yet overwhelming too..I felt that too in the beginning of my therapy, and also struggled to get my head around the "idea" of how to grasp it! I guess little by little, step by step, this gift will be interanlised within you, as the trust and relation developes. But the process takes the time it takes, you cant "grasp" it all at once, it takes time to trust and build trust, as your T are hinting about. Ok, this was totally rambling, I wantet to let you know i found a lot of value in your desribtion of this. And thanks for the hope-reminder!

quote:

T actually referred to "our relationship" yesterday, which was a first. And he said we have to work on trust issues. Does anyone know how to do that? How on earth do you work on trusting someone? He just said something about consistency, so maybe you don't work on it directly but indirectly as the relationship unfolds? He said it might take a long time for me to trust him but that was okay.

That is exactly it, Liese... when he mentions the consistency. A T just cannot say "trust me" he has to BE trustworthy, consistently over time so that a trust will grow as we test them and find that they react well and consistently. We then start to feel safe with them because they are predictable in a good way. As we feel safe we are able to open up more and more, the relationship becomes more intimate and nurturing and you grow and change. It's a process with some stops and starts. It's not linear and can take a long time in some cases. My newT is big on repeating that we have to trust the process. OldT was not experienced in the process, probably had never participated in one and as a result could not trust it. he could not trust when I took those steps backwards. And he was not consistent so my movement forward and the development of the trust was made more difficult and was always shaky. I think, from my experience, the biggest red flag in a T would be inconsistency and constant moving around with his stance, his boundaries and his explanations.

I think you should try your best to work up the courage to talk about the gift. I think it will be a telling and interesting conversation. I'm glad your T is acknowledgeing the "relationship" part of the therapy.

TN

Hi Frog and TN,

So glad you liked the post, Frog. My T always says there is always hope. And, he has given me hope. What a beautiful gift! And I want to tell you all that for the first time in a long time I don't feel like dying. I'm still not overly optimistic about the future and I have a lot of work to do. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I do feel ((((((HOPE)))))) for the first time in a long time. So the message for all of you out there who are still struggling and can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel, don't give up. If I can feel (((((HOPE))))) you can too!!!

gosh guys, I was so bad I had myself convinced that my kids wouldn't miss me. Wouldn't even notice if I was gone. What was I thinking?

The part that I find confusing is what do we talk about in the meantime while we are waiting for the trust to develop? I get in there and get all tongue-tied. I wish I had a blueprint to follow. But maybe that's been my problem all along, clinging to a blueprint instead of just letting things happen! Clinging to the rocks instead of just flowing down the river.

xoxoxo

Liese