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6 replies

I got a gift and I want to scream!

B born2writeMember
Breathe in....Breathe out.... I have been so full of anxiety today and now I seriously just want to scream, but I want to know if you think my reaction to this situation is valid or if you think I should be appreciative.

So here is the thing....one of my hobbies is photography. Outside of that I am pretty busy with other things which include, things like kids, general life and study, and on top of those things I have depression and anxiety which I deal with on a daily basis without anyone really knowing. H knows that I have issues with depression and he knows I have not been well lately. He has no idea to what extent I deal with this problem, and he has no idea about exactly why I suffer or about my therapy or any of that.

Anyway today he gives me a gift. (I should be thankful) A photography course. I just want to scream! It has a date that I have to attend (which is in just a weeks time) and at the moment I have to work myself up to be able to cope with a group of people, not to mention I have assignments popping out of my ears, and really don't have the time for this. I really would have liked him to at least ask me if that is something I would be interested in attending. He has already paid and can't get a refund and I seriously do not know how I am going to manage with a group of strange people at this point in my life. I have nobody to go with me, and this may sound really childish and silly, but the anxiety of that alone at this point in time in my life is enough to put me off. Clearly I must have been putting on a good act about how I have been feeling and coping.

$%$#@&%^$ sakes!!!!!!!!!

Feel free to say it is just me if you think it is. I am a reflective type of person so I will reflect on what you say even if I am not accurately able to reflect today.

Thanks if you do decide to answer.

B2W
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irisirisMember
Hi B2W,
I can really understand you wanting to scream...
The thing that really struck me is the sense of "but can't he see that I'm really struggling at the moment? What was he thinking?!". I may be relating this too much to my situation - I tend to say things like things are difficult or I'm finding life hard work but I do this in a very matter of fact and calm way. I then feel no one is hearing me when I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, I think I need to be more explicit about how I am and how difficult I find some things, like being out in the world...
If it were me, I would be feeling under pressure to attend as I wouldn't want to upset the gift-giver, but also be aware that putting myself in a strange social situation when I was feeling pushed for time and busy was the last thing I wanted to do.
As it's not me (and isn't it easier when it is someone else?!), I'm able to think that perhaps time to do something you enjoy in a protected time might allow you to get lost in it for a while? Is there organsiational stuff in your life that H could deal with to make it happen? Would you be able to say that you would need someone to take care of x,y,z to free you up to do this? Sometimes the things we dread most turn out to be really valuable.

To answer your question, I don't think it's just you. We all want to be known and understood without having to spell out every little detail. I hope you can come up with a solution you are comfortable with.

L lieseMember
((((B2W))))

I'm so good at hiding how I feel that one of the people who knows me best in the world said to me, if this is you depressed, I'd like to see you when you are not. (Does that make sense? It did to me when she said it.)

Anyway, we may think it's obvious how bad we feel but I have a feeling you are like me and we are both masters of the hugest coverup.

I had a thought about the class. Can you call the studio and ask if you can pick another date? Postpone it a bit until you feel ready?
B born2writeMember
Thanks Iris, Liese and BG!

To be honest you are all right in what you have said, and I just want to say thanks for your support. It may seem like a rather trivial problem compared to the other problems on the forum and I acknowledge that. It is just that yesterday any problem I had would have seemed like a mountain, it was maybe just that cherry on the cake.

(((Iris)))
quote:
The thing that really struck me is the sense of "but can't he see that I'm really struggling at the moment? What was he thinking?!". I may be relating this too much to my situation - I tend to say things like things are difficult or I'm finding life hard work but I do this in a very matter of fact and calm way. I then feel no one is hearing me when I feel overwhelmed.


(((Liese)))
quote:
I have a feeling you are like me and we are both masters of the hugest coverup.


(((BG)))
quote:
I imagine your partner is feeling incredibly frustrated because he must sense something is going on, but has no idea what.


It is exactly all of those things that the 3 of you said. I don't know how to talk about what I am going through (there is so much) so I don't. I don't exactly have a T that I can fall back on either, so I guess I am at boiling point. Unfortunately I can't postpone the course so that isn't an option. Anyway thanks for your responses - I will just somehow have to deal with this situation.

I'm sorry if this sounded so trivial. Looking back at it today and based on the content I am surprised I even got a response.

Thanks.

B2W
catalystcatalystMember
Hi B2W,

I wanted to write last night but was asleep (< lol leaving this sentence in here but I meant I was GOING to sleep - I can't read in my sleep). I have a similar issues with a type of art I do. It's very scary to be that 'open' with other people if that makes sense... to me art is tied to my heart so when I'm doing it I'm fully exposed and it's very scary to do with strangers let alone while you have the depression and anxiety going on. If you're already sort of holding things together with popcicle sticks and glue (even if no one on the outside can see it) of course something like this would be crazy and triggering to even think about.

I'm not really sure what to suggest as far as with your H. I sort of just wanted to empathize with you because from an artist perspective I really get you on this as well as from an anxiety end, too (especially doing stuff by myself in a group).

If you don't want to go could you 're-gift' it? Not sure if you have kids or... maybe see if your H will go so that you and him can take photos together and more classes in the future (ha HA! the ultimate re-gift logic). If you do end of going please don't be shy to ask for support.

^_^ Cat
B born2writeMember
Thanks for understanding Cat! Appreciate your response.

I have decided not to go. Told H...he was angry/irritated at first but luckily for me he gets over things quickly and we don't have fights that last long. He just called to make arrangements for dinner a short while ago so I could relax. Clearly he does know that I am battling. See on that side of things I am lucky. I know he loves me and didn't mean to make me upset. The problem doesn't lie with him it lies with me and my inability to tell him or anyone else in my life what is going on. I feel much more relaxed just knowing that I am not going to go on the course(sounds silly).

Re your art....I have looked at it on the internet and just wanted to say I really love it! It's my style Smiler I do some myself, but not to the same extent as you. Wouldn't mind doing it more often but I do lack the belief in myself - Hmmmm.... ongoing struggle.

Thanks again!

B2W

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