hi incognito... I don't have any solutions for you because I am struggling with the same issues. I came very close today to just terminating my therapy. I have been feeling very depressed since running into T's wife in the parking lot. It's like I came face to face with a nightmare and I could not wake up and tell myself it was not real. I told T I am very stuck and I feel that I am wasting his time and mine. I feel very hopeless. Like you... rationally knowing he is trying to help me and cares about me and tells me I'm important seems not to make a difference.

And I agree the fear and mistrust is NOT based on anything he has done wrong. He has been practically note perfect with me but I still don't trust him and remain entrenched in self-hatred and hopelessness. I have been trying to read about this and read this is one of the most difficult thing to heal and get past. It takes a VERY long time because those who struggle with this issue have been emotionally abused, neglected and hurt over a time span of many years. There are so many negative experiences that have worn a deep groove in our brains and they were so harmful that it's just hard to rewire.

I don't have any answers, except to keep going and keep trying. Your T seems to be in for the long haul (as mine is) and maybe one day we will FEEL the progress we make. T told me to let him know on Thursday what I have decided to do.

I'm sorry you struggle with this. I know first hand how god-awful painful it is.


TN

TN

I am sorry that you are struggling with your T also. It is painful and difficult. I feel powerless because what I think rationally has so little effect on how I feel when I am there. I feel like a failure because I can't seem to learn from the experiences I've had where T has been there for me.

Hey cogs... thank for the hug. I don't wnat to hijack your thread but I wanted to just thank Monte for popping in and offering her encouragement and perspective on this. I have been thinking of you Monte and wondering how things were going with your T. I'll hang in there if you promise to do the same. It is hellishly painful and slow and I tend to get lost a lot and wander around aimlessly in session trying to figure out what I need to say. Thanks for stopping by.

TN

Monte,

It is good to hear that you are making progress and still seeing your T. I appreciate the encouragement because I know that you have struggled with many of the same feelings I have. TN, no worries about hijacking because it is nice to feel less alone with my pain.

I sent my T an email last night telling him I wanted to cancel my next session on Thursday. I haven't tried to cancel in a long time because I always end up going. So he sent me an email saying all the reasons you want to cancel would be worthy of talking about so let's meet Thursday even though I know it is painful for you to think about them. He always leaves my session for me and I have always gone but sometimes I feel like it is just more pressure because I have to keep thinking about whether I'm going or not. I called him and he didn't answer so I left a message saying "I know you don't believe me and you have good reason not to believe but can we at least agree that if I miss 3 sessions you'll take me out of your calendar?" Strangely I've felt better since then.

hey cogs... so what are you going to do today? Are you going to session? Have you spoken to you T?

I have not communicated with T since Monday's session. I left there feeling so numb and withdrawn. I feel somewhat better today. I've been talking this through with a wise friend and that has helped me. So I am going back to see T today to try to talk about his wife and how that makes me feel. I know T cares about me and he wants me to stay and heal and he said he knows he can be of help to me if I can just stick it out and work with him. He has gotten me through some really tough days in the past that seem miraculous when I look back. There were other times we hit roadblocks that I felt were deal-breakers and we managed to move ahead.

So I hope you too can look at what your T has done for you over the years and try to pull some encouragement from that to stay with it and try to move forward.

Let us know how it goes. I'll be thinking of you.

TN

Thanks for asking TN. I did go to my session today and it was different than it usually is. First things got more difficult.

Yesterday I went to my respirologist. I have had asthma for the last 8 years and until recently it has been easily controlled by medication. A couple of months ago my meds stopped working and my breathing got worse and worse. I ended up with a chest X-ray and prednisone and I told T I was worried that I actually had COPD which causes irreversible lung damage. Yesterday my T told me that the volume of air I can breath has continued to drop and now it is about 75% of my normal. I am waiting for more tests. I called T and asked him to call me. Then I emailed him about the doctor.

He sent me an email saying he was busy and couldn't talk to me until tomorrow. I was so hurt I wrote his after hours email and told him 1) I wasn't coming and 2) I would have appreciated an acknowledgement of my news and fears. He responded he was sorry I was afraid but he didn't know how to address it in a brief email. This morning I had the first session of the day and I had written him an email about my feelings and he wrote me saying that my email about the doctor didn't explain I was afraid.

So I got there and was still angry. I told him I was angry because it sounded like he kept changing his story and I thought he just ignored me like I wasn't worth calling. He talked about how very busy and scattered his day was and that he didn't even realize that my phone message was related to my medical appointment. I said I understood but I was afraid that he was fed up with me and my continual crises.

The good part was I actually stood my ground and didn't back down when he explained he was busy. I told him I was angry that I had to spend the session talking about him not calling me and not getting to discuss my health fears. You are right my T has done a lot for me over the years and he assured me that he isn't fed up with me. I can't really blame him for having a busy day but I also can't blame myself for being afraid and reaching out to him.

I hope your session went well today TN. I am looking forward to hearing about it.