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5 replies

i hate myself

puppetpuppetMember
*** warning - extreme self-loathing. may trigger. sorry. and won't be pretty to read either Frowner

i'm in a really dark self-hating mood right now. and i am stuck here, i don't know how to move past, how to make peace or at least reach some sort of truce and give myself a break. its like a vicious cycle, it gets worse... lying in bed all day, not eating not drinking, not even allowing myself to go to the toilet.. well, i did eventually, but these are the ways i punish myself. i'm not sure why i'm sharing these awful disgusting things here Frowner

i'm hating myself because at my last session i asked my T if i can have an extra 2 sessions (on top of the 6 we agreed to start off with). i do have a bit more money now as i'm working again (but its only a temporary job, so i can basically JUST afford it).

the problem is that 2 extra sessions is not enough - i want MORE - and i HATE myself for it, i hate being so needy already. i hardly know this new T (who's been pushing my buttons from the beginning)..... and i can't let go of her already??!!! i am knocking my head against this wall, and its the wall i built to keep everyone out. but its still soo strong - that i still HATE myself so strongly, just for needing someone / something / anything... needing is the thing i can't allow.

the thing that got to me last session, she thinks that i should be in therapy twice a week (because my defences are so strong) - she was talking about what she recommends for the future. HOW THE HELL AM I EVER GOING TO AFFORD IT!?? AND WILL I EVER EVEN ALLOW MYSELF TO DO THAT??? ..... but it awoke this deep need in me - like an addict being shown their drug of choice.

do you ever feel like therapy is a drug??.... maybe it becomes more of a drug because i dont want to allow it...

i feel like i should edit some things out, but its all so ugly i dont know where to start.....


puppet
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J janedoeMember
puppet - I don't think you need to edit a single word. What you shared is honest and real and very ok to post here. Thank you for sharing what you did. I'm so sorry you are hurting and I can identify so much with what you wrote.

I hate needing people. We all need people. It's ok to need people and need more from your T. I'm sorry finances are tough. I wish I had any advice or input to help, but I don't really - I just can so relate to everything you wrote. (I am sure others will have better input.) Hang in there ok? Keep posting and sharing.

safe hugs,
~jane
yakusokuyakusokuMember
I'm in a similar spot of getting addicted to my T very quickly. In my case, seeing him twice a week isn't even an option, because he only works in my area Monday and Tuesday. To increase support, however, he allows a lot of texts/emails and doesn't charge me anything extra for the outside time he spends on me. Maybe your T could do this as well? Sorry, I know practical suggestions don't fix the feeling, but maybe they could make it more manageable...

Sometimes it hurts so much to receive care and support from someone (especially T, because I know he MUST go away eventually), because it stirs up both a longing for something we should have learned how to have and a disgust with ourselves for wanting or receiving it...because somewhere along the line we got the message that we didn't deserve it and it was probably easier to internalize that message as coming from us than to repeatedly do battle with the reality of those people who should love and take care of us just not being willing or able to do so for some unknowable reason. So, it became safer to not need it and when anyone exposes the need which still exists under the surface, it sends us to the ICU, emotionally speaking. And yet, I'm a hypocrite, because I believe there is something special about me that actually is unlovable...and that those people would have loved me if there had only been something more in me to inspire it or receive it...

But, that's why we're all works in progress, I guess.
puppetpuppetMember
hi uv! again i felt like i didnt deserve your kind words but thank you for them, and hopefully they will sink in somewhat if i read them again and again. you are right, i really struggle with feeling like i deserve love, i even hate the word! Frowner i never got much of it as a child. duh.
yes, i'm having a real internal clash: what i need versus the primal fear that it will kill me if i make myself that vulnerable again.

also my abandonment issues have come to the surface too, because this T i can only see for a short while, there is no chance of it being long term. when i get a proper job (permanent/ full time) i wont be able to see her anymore because she only does day time work week sessions.

yakusoku, its nice to meet you but i'm sorry you struggle with feeling unloveable too Frowner its soo hard to change that way of thinking isnt it? its like our life still depends on it!
thank you for understanding, and for your suggestions too.. although i really cant see myself texting or emailing my T, not that there's anything wrong with it - but you see - that will really show my attachment to T and i'm still in denial mode, still trying to hide it from her - by being really angry at her. cunning plan, NOT...


puppet

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