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I have no idea what to call this post

Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi All,
First I want to say that I feel terribly guilty posting this because I've barely been around lately, but I am going to presume on all your good will and post anyway.

I'm just feeling sad, depleted and a little overwhelmed tonight. A lot of it is my work schedule, I've been consistently putting in 60 hours weeks for at least a month now and it's going to continue at this pace, if not get worse until the release goes out mid-November (on the upside the work is going well and I'm on target so far). I ended up going to the doctor's this morning and I have an ear infection in both ears and a sinus infection. I'm taking antibiotics and using ear drops which is helping the pressure but I'm feeling pretty wiped and I have a four hour phone shift tonight. I'm actually typing between calls. Smiler

I feel really off tonight and then all the negative stuff about how bad I am at this and how I don't listen well, etc etc, starts sounding in my ear and then I get really frustrated with myself because this is NOT about me, it's about the people who call. Then I had a woman call who was going through a LOT. We really connected and she told me several times at the end of the call that she felt better because it was a relief to talk. I was so relieved that I ended up crying when I got off the phone.

And underneath it all, what's really making it difficult is that I am so missing my T, I don't know how to describe better than that I'm really homesick. I knew it was going to hard before it got better so this isn't a surprise or anything I can't handle, but it's still hard, you know? I'm just sad about not seeing him. And I think when you add everything up I'm feeling depleted tonight which makes me miss that hour with him even more as I always left feeling better, more confident and ready to take things on. I have to learn other ways to take care of myself now that I don't have that.

Honestly, I just think everything has piled up tonight and it's going to look very different in the morning after I get some sleep. But I wanted to be heard. And there are so few people who get why I have to go through a period of mourning because therapy ended and I know that you all get it. So I'm glad I could come here.

I miss him so much. I still think I've done the right thing ending therapy, but I really miss him.

AG
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J janedoeMember
(((((AG)))))

60 hours a week? and calls (and not exactly easy stuff either) and typing here and you are sick? and ear infections are painful -and you are on the phone with them? my goodness... how are you still standing?!

many hugs and praying you get some good sleep and rest tonight.

btw, I don't think you have a thing to feel guilty for! period. please try not to beat yourself up about not posting, and asking for support... You are cared about just for being you. You help others when you share about your own battle. I sometimes have moments of missing my old t, I miss the famillarity - something like homesick. It's different but kind of the same. I'm glad she's not my T (for very different reasons) but I still miss her... and it helps me to know I'm not the only one who has felt this. And even if I couldn't ID with your post - I'm still really glad you shared that you are in a rough spot. just sayin'... and even if you can't post that, just sharing where you are at and that you are hurting, if you can't post at all - try to not beat yourself up ok? You are dealing with so much and you gotta take care of you...

oh I wish I had words that could help lighten your load. Just know you are not alone.

here and listening,
~ jane
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Oh AG I am so sorry you are so depleted and missing your T and your home. I know that feeling. I miss my home too so badly. I miss the fireplace and my doggy friend who would hold my hand, I miss the familiar feeling of being welcomed in and that he just knew me so well that I often didn't even need to explain. It was better than a drug in helping me pick myself up and face the world again.

There is nothing like that feeling and I know the huge empty space it leaves when it is no longer there.

And mostly I understand how lonely and isolated it makes you feel when no one on the outside can understand the way you feel and why you miss him so much and why it leaves such an aching empty place in your soul.

I really do get it but I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. I wish I had an answer for you but I think it's good that you can come here and post about it. We do get it. And maybe when you feel better physically and are less stressed you will be able to find the safe, secure place inside of you where your T now lives and that will help you feel better.

But none of this negates the aching yearning to go back home again and to feel the warmth, safety and nurturing that we had there. It's so damn hard isn't it?

Hugs to you
TN
J jillMember
awww, ag, homesick...what a great word to describe it. i wish i could comfort you, but maybe getting it out is how you comfort yourself, y'no? something about feeling the feeling, knowing what it is, not running away from it, but sitting with it, realizing the facts the situation...sounds like what you are doing, sounds healthy to me. but, no less painful. and, like someone on here said recently, this, ag, is temporary, it will get better, and with your work pile up and the ear infections...uh, i don't think you are being a wimp! that is alot for anyone. and yes, no one can understand this whole t process unless they have been there. so, post away!!! hope the morning brings a brighter day! jill
strummergirlstrummergirlMember
((((((((((((AG))))))))))))

You have SO much going on...your work schedule sounds brutal...the ear infectionS sound miserable...and your homesickness for your T throughout it all, and because of it...I can even sense your exhaustion in the title of your post. AG, you deserve a safe place to talk about all of this and feel like you are being heard. So I am really glad you decided to post.

I'm so glad you got positive feedback from the woman who called last night...sounds like you really needed a reminder of what a powerful difference you are making to others. And you are...you are just in a really exhausting place right now and can't see it.

And homesickness is so very hard...what you are describing reminds me of how sad I was when I got out of the Army and was missing my first AA group...they were more my home than I've ever known, before or since. I still miss them...it's not as sharp or as fresh anymore...but I have never felt more at home face to face with people than I did there. I still wish I could go "back".

Have you ever heard the song called Solsbury Hill? It is one of my favorites and always evokes the feelings of wanting to go home...I've been hearing it a lot lately and I always crank it up...I especially like the refrain/chorus, where it goes "...my heart going boom-boom-boom/grab your things I've come to take you home."

I wish there was a way we could all feel that we are "home". It hurts to want that and not be able to go there. I am sorry it hurts so much, AG. Frowner

Big hugs to you,
SG
lamplighterlamplighterMember
AG, first I want to say that you have absolutely no need to feel guilty AT ALL about posting and I’m glad you have been able to ‘presume’ on the good will here Smiler

Don’t have any advice (not that you’re looking for it anyway) but do want to say I’ve heard you, and feel for the sadness and loss you are experiencing - no doubt not for the first and definitely not the last time. You are wise and strong - and it’s clear that you are able to accept how you feel without feeling you have to change it or run from it or see it as something dysfunctional. There’s something you’re learned from your wonderful T - so even in the very depths of feeling the sadness you are actually with your T - strangely enough. He’s there in you.

Not quite the same as being able to see him in reality though and missing him is hard. Can I send you masses of cyber hugs, let you know you’re not alone in feeling this sadness ((((((((((((( AG )))))))))))))))

LL
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
(((AG)))),

I am so glad that you posted and reached out here for understanding and to be heard.

Of course you miss your T and feel homesick. I think (as you said) it is to be expected, but that doesn't make it any easier. It sounds like you have so much on your plate right now and it is enough to make the strongest person crumble so please go easy on yourself. It also sounds like even though this is hard that you know you have the skills and tools to cope with the feelings. I'm sorry that it hurts so much right now.

I hope things slow down for you soon and you start to feel better!!

Big, big hugs being sent your way!
jonesjonesMember
Dear AG,

I just want to say take it slow as you can, keep taking mini-self-care breaks, keep giving yourself kindness and rest inside. I'm so sorry you're sick and that the work is not letting up. Is there any way you can take a break from the phoneline roster, at least, until you are recovered and back to a normal work schedule?

Your system needs time to process the grief, and if there is any way you can ease up the other pressures, I think it would be well worth it. Your poor body is really feeling it, and you gotta listen and do what you can. It's hard to see other options when you are already locked into commitments, I know - but if you know that rest and recovery time is your first priority, that can help make the other options more visible. Is there any way to make things lighter? Ask your boss to get some extra help in, or push the release, or... or?

I'm not calling you a sissy here, let me make that clear. Smiler But I would hate to see you get sicker. Sinus infections are notoriously difficult to get rid of - but that aside, you still deserve and need to take it easy for your emotional health.

love, a gentle hug and a hot toddy,
Jones
kashleykashleyMember
((((AG))))

I hope things are looking a little brighter today for you, but I hope you don't feel worse if they don't. It seems only natural that you would miss your T so much after how strong and tremendously helpful your relationship was (and still is, even if you don't get to experience it first-hand every week, or every other week, now!). I think you are an amazing person for far too many reasons than I could list here, but I hope you know that. And I also hope that you're doing a little better today and can find some relief to this pain.

Many hugs,
Kashley
frogfrogMember
Dear Attachment Girl,

quote:

(...) but it's still hard, you know? I'm just sad about not seeing him.
quote:



I know. Of course you are. how could you not miss him? - just wantet to let you know i read your poster and i hear you loud and clear and i am glad you came out here to write about this. I guess some of us would just *acted* if we didnt really missed our T`s, in order so seem strong. But that wouldnt be honest. Missing someone is a deep feeling. It comes from the heart and i think no feelings are so deeply rootet to a almost physical spot within ur chests, that aches in a way. AG: as i know you know, this is a natural part of the seperation. That doesnt change the pain, knowing that itself, but it can help iin that way that you allow your self to be in this grief, whenever the hardest homesick-like feelings enters...

I hope you feel better today, that the most painfull part of the missing, are changing into something better... I tend to think of strong homesick-feelings/missing as a manifistation of thankful feelings as well. All the after-warmth that comes hunting us, even for a long time after the seperation that goes-hand-in-hand with the pain of missing.

Dont be afraid of the missing. Contain it with all the friendliness and empathy your T would have done.

AG- thanks for sharing this with us also. Its honest, and its brave to share this natural part of life also. I wish you all the best AG. be good to yourself.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Thank you all for such understanding and supportive responses. I don't have a lot of time and I'm still pretty wiped but at least wanted you to know that I read what everyone wrote and it's really helped. I am still pretty wiped from the sinus infection so I'm going to collapse tomorrow. I'll be back after I've managed to get some rest to actually respond to what people wrote. Thank you all so much!

AG
starfishstarfishMember
AG

Of course you're missing your T Frowner - it's a loss, as is the ending of any important relationship. And the fact that it was such a safe and secure relationship makes it feel even more like a homesickness I guess. That makes real sense, missing something that felt so secure and attched.

Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to adjust to this new loss. also the fact that you are poorly will make things much harder too. Get plenty of rest and fluids, some me-time and self-care.....you have done the right thing, it's just very hard. ((((AG))))

starfish
P preppiegirlMember
AG,
I just wanted to offer my support. I miss your T as well. I loved reading your posts about all the things he did for you and helped you heal. You have helped so many people with your journey and the way therapy is suppose to be. Please take care of yourself and get plenty of rest. I hope your schedule eases up a bit. We are all here for you.

PG

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