I have no self confidence, and I think my sensitivity about that, or lack of self confidence itself, is ruining my relationship with my T. I used to have a little self confidence, more than I do now. By self confidence, I don't quite mean the same as self esteem. But something different that I can't explain too well.
This is probably going to be the post vague and confusing post ever - but I need to vent or express something somehow somewhere... hoping it helps me just stop getting so scared about this.
I think I ruined everything with my T. I probably didn’t. I keep telling myself this can be worked out. But I’m really concerned. Everything is going downhill fast. I don’t know what to do.
I can’t type out what happened and what went wrong right now… I type out that in a nutshell, it seems like my T doesn’t have confidence in me with something really important, that I could change, that I could learn to be different. My T is very supportive of me, totally accepts me, and I believe that as much as I can. But confidence in me… that’s different… and really, the real issue is my total lack of self confidence. Somehow sensing an area that my T doesn’t have confidence in me about, is making me really scared and mad and frustrated – because I already feel that way myself, and I needed? wanted? her to believe in me so I could learn to do that… and something came up where she realized I had been handling something much better than she thought I even would, for about 7 months now too, and I realized she didn’t think I could handle it… and so whatever small amount of self confidence I had, fell apart, and I’m really… just hurt…
And it took a lot, but I finally got so stuck and shut down about this, that I had to tell my T it bothered me, and what was going on with my lack of confidence and how much it hurt that she didn’t have confidence I could handle something I already was – but that I don’t blame her for it, because I don’t see any reason to believe I could have handled it… not really… I just did… and I don’t know how… and yet I’ve struggled with so much else… so it makes sense to think I couldn’t handle this one tough thing that has been going on for 7 months… and yeah, she knew about it, she just didn’t know how much I was already dealing with it…
I know I’m being vague – it’s just to keep this shorter and try to get to the heart of it – which is that I have no confidence in myself. And finding out my T didn’t about something… well… it hurts so bad… it’s like expecting rejection, then because I so expect it, it happens… I didn’t think my T would have confidence or believe I could handle this, and sure enough she didn’t… and in a way, I wish I hadn’t handled this thing in my life ok… just so it all made more sense to me right now… and I actually lived up to the low expectation my T had for me… but not really… I’m glad I did ok with it. Yet now I have no confidence. This is totally backfiring.
And telling my T I felt so hurt… It didn’t go over well. She wasn’t defensive at all. I just am worried she thinks now she can’t help me. But I’m so stuck in the middle of so much in this – that I’m probably projecting at least 80% of this on to her, and I can’t even tell what is what and that simple act of project so much – well, I just feel even less confident and capable.
I want out of this spiral and I don’t know how to stop…
Somehow this all has hit something very deep for me, and I think for my T too. It just seems like something is really hard for her about me saying I felt really hurt that she didn't believe I could handle something I already was handling, and just fine. And she said I was right, and then just got quiet and looked so sad and then asked if I wanted to take a break from therapy - but yet saying she wasn't confident about my containment skills - which all left me utterly confused. And she said she was mixed up too.
maybe she needs a break.
this is not good.
I didn't mean to trigger her. I know I'm not supposed to protect her, or take care of her, and I can't, but still - it sucks to even think I probably triggered her. crap.
Outside of this issue, things are going really well between us.
It's human to lose hope at times. My T is human. I can handle human. Can't I?
I think maybe she lost hope in her ability to help me. She might not have, but it seems like it. (again, could be tons of transferance and projection going on here - pretty much just a matter of how much that is going on) It seemed like that just for a moment, but still, it feels terrible.
I wasn't really even looking to her to have hope and confidence in me or herself or... I don't know...
It just hurt.
I want things to be ok again. My T says they are not ok between us and she's really sorry.
I want things to be ok. I think part of me healing is walking through things not being ok... but ugh... this just feels so bad...
