I have nothing to give

curiousMember

I am a longtime lurker. I posted once or twice a LONG time ago and then disappeared. I'm trying to be brave and reappear to ask a question that is burning in my heart about my therapy. But I'm not sure if it will make much sense and am confused as to why it seems so desperately "BIG," to me lately.

I want desperately to "give" something to my T. I'm not talking about something tangible, but some part of me. All I do and have done for the last 4 years is TAKE, TAKE, TAKE, TAKE from her. She has been the most attuned, loving, accepting, understanding, T in the world, holding all the appropriate boundaries. I truly am blessed to have her in my life. I have and continue to struggle with many of the same issues a lot of you here talk about: is the relationship real? Do I mean something to her?, Can I trust it, Will she abandon me, Am I lovable etc. I am so attached to her that I swear sometimes I feel like a giant piece of velcro stuck to her side. My avatar really does reflect how I so often feel both in and out of session. Once again, I take, take, take and take, and she just gives, and gives, and gives.

So, I have this strong, gut-wrenching, need to give her something. But what do I have to give her? She gives me so much and has made my life so much more meaningful and beautiful but, I give her nothing in this relationship. I know I give her money for the therapy, but what else do I give? Sometimes I cry so hard and feel so pained with the lopsidedness of the relationship because I want so much to give. I want to teach her something, affect her in some heartfelt way, change her life for the better. But because of the limits of the relationship, I have nothing to give. This makes me so sad.

I'm having a hard time putting words to this, I just hope somebody gets what I mean.

6/29/117:21 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

Hi Curious... welcome back. Not sure if we ever met before.

I do understand what you are feeling. I think this is why we give them small gifts at times because it's hard to figure out another way to express our gratitude. I gave my OldT a lot of small things that were meaningful to me or to our work in therapy. Part of that was a tangible representation of what we shared in therapy and part of that was a way to say thank you. But I also think that in giving him something of mine, I was able to leave a part of myself with him when I was not there. It was a way of keeping the connection and hoping that maybe when he looks at whatever it is that he will think of me even when I am not there.

But you are talking about giving something of yourself, you want to make some kind of impact on her or in her life. I think I remember my current T saying to me, during a discussion about gifts, that it was enough to just bring him myself. To share myself and my stories with him was what he wanted from me. He wanted me to talk to him about anything and everything and that would be my gift to him and what he wants most. He said he was looking forward to my teaching him about what it was like to grow up in the place where I did and about my particular culture which is different than his. So I think that the best thing to give your T is to just be open and to share the deepest parts of yourself. I think that would make her really happy.

TN

6/29/117:39 PM

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blackbirdMember

Hi, curious...I like your name and your avatar..I do realte, very much, and deal with that a lot in my therapy and in another healing realtionship that I have. I just think the best gift, like TN says, is yourself, your open heart. I recently wrote a letter expressing all the things that my SD has done for me, that were hard things to put into words, and gave it to him tonight with a small picture that refelcts the nature of our relationship. I hope he will like it, it was hard to do that, I felt very vulnerable. But these are appropriate gifts to give. The gift of expressing authetic gratitude- no small thing for a T, but the gift they seek- to know that they have helped us. I wish I could give such a gift to my T, I really do.

Nice to see you again! I'm glad you have such a nice T.

BB

6/29/117:54 PM

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mtfMember

I think the best thing you can give your T is yourself, your progress, your full engagement in the process of therapy. She is likely in this profession because that is what fulfills her is to see her clients make progress toward a better life, better self, better relationships, etc. I understand what you are feeling, though. It is hard to want so desperately to make things more 'even', to be able to feel like you can repay the debt you feel you owe to your T. But I agree with the others who have responded. Your success in therapy is the best gift you can give.

MTF

Nice to 'meet' you, btw. Hope to see you around more.

6/29/119:11 PM

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pinglesMember

Hello Curious
I have felt this lopsideness too as T gives so much even though we are still in the early stages, but I would agree with what the others say about showing up and engaging with your therapy is the best we can give them. I have huge difficulty in talking sometimes so we have fallen into using my writing abilities to broach things, I recently took the step of reading my first letter out to her about some really difficult stuff and at the end of it she said, 'thank you so much, that is a real gift you have given me' because it was the real raw me on show, which I guess highlights the showing up and being honest thing. It is a hard one to struggle with the uneveness it feels like some times all we do is take, but my t also said that eventually she will be out of a job with me and that's what means most to her personally is to see her clients leave and able to fufil the lives they have always deserved which made me all warm and fuzzyand a bit better about taking all the time

7/1/111:51 AM

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divaMember

Hi Curious! *waves*

I can totally relate to you in how you feel about your T. I started to feel that way towards the end of the school semester and I just felt this overwhelming need to give something to my T. In the end, I gave her a simple but cute card just letting her know how much I appreciate her and everything she's done for me. It wasn't anything big, but she was so thankful for my small gesture and said that it reassured her that she really does make a difference. I think small things like thank you cards and overall progress and expressing our gratitude and appreciation for them can go a long way.

Hope that helps!

1/10/1211:10 PM

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