Yaku,

If he isn't able to meet with you tonight, would it be possible for you to ask for a 15 minute phone call with him later this week when he is feeling better?

I'm sure he would make it available to me, but I don't "do" phones. Sitting in silence on the phone until I can figure out what I want to talk about is a lot different than doing it in the office with him. He offered a phone call during his vacation in December and we decided against it for that reason. Right now, I'm just getting irritated that he hasn't notified me of whether or not we have a session. If we do, he's already in town (he has to drive from far away), so it's not like he doesn't know whether or not he's calling in sick today...unless he's thinking of leaving early, in which case I will probably think he's doing it specifically to avoid dealing with me, LOL. Someone, please, put me in a coma and let me wake up not so obsessed about T and therapy!!! I'm losing my identity here, what little of it is left after I lost my ability to live up to others' expectations. I want to go smash something and watch it break into many tiny pieces...

quote:

Someone, please, put me in a coma and let me wake up not so obsessed about T and therapy!!!

Lol, I know precisely what you mean. I did this last night...drank some wine so I could pass out and escape my therapy transference anxiety!

Hang in there, you will know soon about tonight. Can you do something to distract yourself in the meantime? Clean the kitchen? Organize your pantry?

Well, toddlers distract me somewhat, but the one I am watching today is new, so they are getting to know each other and pretty much ignoring me. :/

I have financial stuff to work on, but can't do it with the kiddos running away. Cleaning is also pointless with them running around messing everything I clean. I'm not very talented about getting my mind off of things anyway, though. Writing seems to be the only way I can deal...so I guess posting here is helping in its own way.

I am wondering if perhaps you and your T have crossed wires and he is thinking that yes, indeed you are doing therapy unless you hear otherwise. Is that a possibility?

Well, I specifically texted this morning that I hoped he was doing well and I just wanted to confirm whether or not we were on for our 9pm session tonight. I specifically said, "Please let me know when you get a chance. Thanks!" So, I'm assuming he knows that I am unsure.

oh, that is strange. I would be put off by that as well. Maybe text him again?

I will if it gets to be late afternoon and I still haven't heard. The more I text him, the more crazy and needy I feel and I'm likely to act out even more because of that. It's like a no-win situation.

I know how that feels, Yaku, but I do think in this instance, he is being inconsiderate and it is not unreasonable or needy of you to text again. If this were a friend of yours or another type of professional that you had an appointment with, how would you handle this? I don't like when people keep me hanging like that and I'm just supposed to be flexible with my schedule because they can't figure their shit out. Ugh. Major pet peeve of mine.

Or, perhaps a better way to ask this is...how wouuld you expect others to respond to you if YOU were keeping them hanging like this? Would it be unreasonable for them text you again to figure out the plan so they can get the rest of their day scheduled?

Oh, T wouldn't care at all if I asked again, of course. And he IS being a bit inconsiderate, because he specifically knows that last minute stuff stresses me out (I like to have things planned - family/childhood issue), but he has also notified me that the way his schedule works makes it necessary sometimes, and I've chosen to use it as an opportunity to learn to be more flexible. If I call him out on it, he will apologize profusely and explain whatever the reason is (he always does). That said, he did just text me saying "On." Usually if I get that short of a message, it seems to mean he is extremely busy. I bet that was the first chance he has had all day since I sent my text almost four hours ago.

Is it ridiculous that now that I know I'm going, I'm panicking and wishing he had canceled? I'm already worrying about the moment when he tells me the session is over and how horrible it is going to feel. Why the eff am I like this?

I'm glad you heard from him, and no its not ridiculous to be stressed.

Perhaps you can focus on the good that will come from the session instead of worrying about the end of the session. I know its hard, but can you try it for five minutes and see how that feels?

You are being very T-like yourself today. I will try. T always asks me "Can you" sort of questions while I am freaking out. And usually I am like, "Nope, I can't hear/think/do that right now."

Edit: We discussed this last week and I have issue with being asked can/will questions because they were always orders in disguise as a child/teen. I put up much better with T (or anyone) saying, "Please try to..." than "Can you...?" It's funny, because you would think a direct request/order would be more offensive to me, but because of transference stuff, it is refreshing.

Yaku,

I'm glad that you heard from him and get to see him tonight. I hope that the session goes well and brings you some relief. (((hugs)))

Glad that you heard back. The waiting is the hardest part. Yaku I hope that you will be able to enjoy just be in your T'spresence and feel his care for you. I hope that you get peace and reconnection with yourself from connecting with him. Let us know how it goes..

BB

Yaku! So glad that your session is on tonight. I know what it is like to wait and wonder. I understand about reading and reading his bio and looking at his picture - I have had the picture of my T open on my desktop for most of the day as it has been a really rough week (and it's only Tuesday!)

I hope the session brings you a bit of calm tonight! (((Yaku)))

Thanks for all the support, you guys. At least since it is Tuesday, I will probably only have to wait six days until my next session. That's maybe the most positive I can do. Maybe it will be a really good session. I wish I could just go there and fall asleep on his couch and be safe from worrying about him disappearing for an hour.

I couldn't get across to him what I wanted. Or, I didn't think I did. I ended up texting him rigt after I left, because I was pretty distraught. He texted back (at 11:40 PM!!!) saying he did understand, but before it went too far, my hate for texting in the middle of the night, no matter how crisis-y I felt, won over my willingness to work through it. Sent him a long journal entry tonight. I need to know he gets it and if he really thinks what we're doing is helpful. I feel like I need more support or something for stability, but only being out in my area on Monday/Tuesday, I'm not sure there's anything he can really do. And all the texts are not helping and they are definitely NOT the same as seeing him/hearing his voice. He did say, multiple times at the end, "It's going to be OK." He kept saying he wanted to reassure me that he knows it's very hard, but I will be OK, I will make it through. I wish I could have his words recorded for me and just replay them all week long to get me through...

Thanks. I feel like I communicated the idea, but not the symptoms. And so, maybe I felt like he didn't understand how distressing it is, because I kept saying, "This attachment and dependency stuff is distressing," and saying how it was really heavy. He asked me why and tried to get at my thoughts underneath the idea, but I left feeling like he got the concept, but not the weight or even the fact that it was 99.99% directed at him, I guess. So, I sent him an email detailing some of the specific issues I'm having and also the depth of my feelings that he is inspiring by connecting me to this void, and at the same time KNOWING he can't meet me there, but yet still wanting him too. Depending on his answer, I may well quit at this point. Either I need a ridiculous amount of support (because he is already there for me throughout the week in texting) or I just need to self-manage as before. I can't go throughout my week feeling such desperation all the time and then harming myself or carrying thoughts of ending it around when I have H and toddler and other family/friends who count on me to be semi-functional. So, I guess I'm saying, I don't know if that means I need MORE support from him or to quit and find someone that doesn't trigger me into complete dysfunction. I've struggled with depression/anxiety since my teens and fought off this whole transference thing before and not once have I ever been so incapacitated by it. Maybe that's the price of connecting, but I need to know he has a plan more than just doing things they way we have been and trusting God will eventually get through to me and hoping I don't get too many bumps and bruises and run screaming off the edge of a cliff on the way there.