Wow, TAS, I can imagine how discouraging it is to feel negative week after week in the session. I imagine it's really hard to tell if it's you or him singling you out. I've been reading on-line about negative transference, because I have suspicions of my T that are stronger than the positive. Maybe it would help to read some of that. It's really important when you decide to terminate for good. I sure hope he contacts you.

((((TAS))))

Sending hugs. You did try really hard. Maybe he's just not the right therapist for you and with another one, it wouldn't be so painful. I hope you are not being too hard on yourself.

Hi TAS, I'm wondering if you would be willing to share with us why you think he is being mean. Maybe we could help.

It's not bothering him that you think he's mean even though he isn't. He knows it's transference and isn't taking it personally. You don't need to quit to protect him.

If you're quitting because therapy is too painful for YOU though, believe me, I get it

TAS...you may think he's being mean but your are still attached to him, regardless.

As for you believing and telling him he is being mean... that sounds like your 5 year old inner kid is making her presence really known. I think you should pursue that direction to find out why the child feels that way.

TN

5 year old? Really? So not what I needed to hear right now.

I was coming on to thank everyone for their replies, as I will be out of town until late this evening. I will reply individually to each of you.

I also wanted to say I am not a bad person because I struggle with seeing him in a positive light.

(((((TAS))))

You are not a bad person at all. You are taking care of yourself and that's a good thing. There is no reason why you should be in that much pain all the time. Therapy is hard.

Nobody here thinks you're a bad person, TAS. We are all rooting for you.

It's not a bad thing, TAS, and neither are you.

((((TAS))))

Here's a quote from an article I found:

quote:

But even though going through a certain amount of pain is necessary to improve our life, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness are neither necessary nor helpful. Pain, in its pure sense, could be productive, because it could close some old chapters of our life we no longer need to live. This kind of pain can be excruciating but it is also transient. It comes and goes and after each cycle we feel better, more alive and more capable of tackling life’s challenges. Suffering that comes from hopelessness and helplessness, on the other hand, becomes chronic and destructive.

Unfortunately, many therapy clients get stuck in that dark place of hopelessness and helplessness and, also unfortunately, many therapists don’t recognize it as a place of impasse, where therapy is no longer working. Sadly, they don’t take clients’ state of mind seriously and continue to insist that feeling miserable, helpless and hopeless for a prolonged period of time is just a “normal” part of the healing process when it’s not. Clients often blindly trust what their therapists tell them. After all, a therapist is a professional and should know better. All of the above creates a very depressing situation when clients continue to pay big money for something that isn’t working for them and when they continue to see their therapists only because they formed a strong emotional attachment to them.

If you found yourself in the situation like the one I described, I highly recommend you to take a break from therapy and to evaluate what’s going on objectively.

Here is the link to the whole article:

How Do You Know If Therapy is Working?

quote:

When the child’s part of the client’s personality is the only part the therapist is focused on, this establishes a child-parent dynamic in the therapist-client relationship that encourages the client’s regression. Regardless of how developed and intelligent the client is, they end up feeling like a helpless child dependent on the “parent”-therapist. When such dynamic becomes a major part of therapy, which is often the case, especially in psychoanalysis, this, at best, doesn’t promote healing and, at worst, causes great harm to the client, even when the therapist is a decent person, who acts with the best intentions at heart. Needless to say that when the therapist isn’t ethical, the premise of the client being a young child produces the dynamic of “abusive parent-abused child” in the therapist-client relationship. In those cases, clients end up being profoundly damaged and may deal with the consequences of that damage for the rest of their lives.

TAS, I hope you are okay. You may need some time for things to settle down. It really does sound like negative transference and you are trying to "get" away from him, like you may have tried to get away from earlier pain. I have a great article for you to read. I need to find it first. Be gentle with yourself and kind too.

Liese,

Can you tell me where that first quote came from? Very powerful and relevant to me right now.

SD

transference dance

But then again, I tend to look for articles that support my current state of mind. When I was a fan of dependence, I looked for articles that supported dependence. I needed to depend on my therapist for a while but ultimately feel it hurt me in the end, most likely because of the limitations of my therapist.

I am back with replies...I apologize for the delay, I was having some difficulty with my computer...all fixed.

Skylynx: Yes, it is very tiresome to experience this negative transference all the time...I am trying to understand it is related to my past but I feel I am bad because I see him in a way he doesn't deserve to be seen.

Liese: I have tried very hard and know I did the best I could.

RM: I open up to him and then he says things which strike me as mean. I tell him how I think about a certain issue and he counters it with what seems to be hard words. Then I shut him out because inwardly, it feels as if he is being mean...It's not something which strikes my brain, it strikes me emotionally and then it as if it is a domino effect and I am not able to slow it down enough to even understand what is happening...I have already cut him off. Just really over it.

BLT: He did tell me since this wasn't a personal relationship, he is not taking it personally. I guess this is supposed to make me feel better about hating him.

SP: Thank you. I am taking it one step at a time and he seems to think I can get past this and this is a result of my history and not my current experience with him. This is so hard. I am not putting any pressure upon myself. Just being.

TN: I know you are right...Exactly what he said. I hate talking about the inner child...I know this is part of what is going on.

Liese: Thank you for posting the article excerpts...I will definitely read them and hopefully find some inspiration.

VH: Thank you for your encouragement. I would love to see the article you have mentioned. I am sure it has to do with previous pain but sometimes it is tiring.

Thank you for the encouragement and tough love...I know some times you need to hear what you don't want to and be willing to listen, even when you don't want to.

I spoke to him briefly yesterday and he said he can help me with this, if I let him.

This is where I am and I thought after being in therapy for almost three years, I would have gotten over the negative transference.

I am sorry it took me so long to reply. Please know I value you each of you.

T.

I read this forum a lot, but don't participate much. I think you are correct to quit and at least try another therapist. I found one, after fighting and fighting and fighting with the first one for about 4 years - the second one has no drama. She takes phone calls and encourages them. She does not demand or insist on her interpretation, but is not wishy washy. She is psychodynamic as is the first one - but it is quite different. I leave not frustrated and enraged and so on.
She said that therapy was hard enough without fighting with a therapist and if a client was having that much trouble, another person might work out better. And she does for me.