Ok, long story short, I had a really intense session with my T today. It was good, I faced some hard stuff and at the end, I did something really hard that I needed to do. I asked my T to do it with me. (I posted about it in Sensitive Issues forum just because I want to keep that part a little more private.) Anyhow, My T and I were standing outside and when we were done, my T said she felt like she could hug me. She has said this once before that she felt like she wanted to hug me. It was like a year ago, when I came to an appointment shaken after a pole fell off a truck in front of me and hit my windshield. (Thankfully I didn't crash, just a damaged windshield and a very shaken me.)

This time when she said that, I really wanted a hug. But I didn't say anything. I walked off. Then I turned around. She was standing still. I asked her if I could have a hug. I said, "I have a question. You can say no. It would be ok. Can I have a hug, because that was really sh*tty?" (I reffered to throwing away what I did.) Without another word, she hugged me. I almost cried. I held tight and then let go before it would have triggered me to be numb. I walked off (it was the end of the appointment) and I didn't even turn around...

But I did email her later and said thank you and told her how the whole session made me feel and that I was glad for the hug. I am glad. I also feel really... foolish...? like embarassed by what I wanted and how I handled it... all of the session... and the hug too.

I wonder if the hug was a bad idea. I wonder if throwing away the thing I did was a bad idea. But yet, at the same time, I know it was right for me to do - to throw it away and then when my T mentioned a hug, to ask if I could actually have one. To say what I wanted and felt. It felt really hard and yet freeing too. But I also feel really embarassed. I don't really know why. I think I feel bad for just walking off... At the same time, my T knows me. She knows I connect and then shut down a lot, and I'm working on not doing that so much.

And wow... I actually asked my T for a hug and it was ok. At least I think it was. Well, it wasn't bad or trumatic and I didn't numb out. Why does this make me feel so embarassed now? I don't want to go back and be shut down at my next appointment.

Whoa, just 6 weeks ago I was having a hard time making eye contact. I still have a hard time sometimes. But something is shifting and changing for me lately and I don't understand what or why.

I am tearful tonight, and my head started spinning and getting all scared about this. I'm not sure how to sort it out. Maybe there isn't anything really to sort out. I don't know.

Does this sound like a foolish thing I did today with my T?

~ jane