You are so brave, Yaku. I'm so sorry for your excruciating pain.

Yaku)) (SP) is so right when she said that you are feeling "despair", and "YOU HAVE NOT FAILED AT ANYTHING"! You are FEELING things, and that is PROGRESS. It hurts like hell to experience despair, but it kicks us into "ACTION". Remember to think "BABY STEPS", as hard as it is to do, because its natural to want to correct or change things INSTANTLY, but that can create a huge overload, and that can create despair. Please talk with your T, about your insurance issue. I have have been told through a reliable source, that some T Clinics are authorized to give a handful of free sessions to Clients in need. At least its a start that will give you some more time to figure out a few other things. You say that you have been making "CRAZY PROGRESS", so that proves how STRONG YOU ARE, that takes a lot of hard work and determination. Keep in touch with all of us, we really care and have Love for you. YOU ARE THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

quote:

Feelings are things that can change, even huge terrifying ones that swamp you that make you feel like they are you, and you don't exist outside of them, but you do and they can change.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

RabbitEars

Thanks all. I have become hugely triggered by my own post for several reasons and I had to take it down, but I do appreciate the support and encouragement. I think I'm just having a very tired time and a time of realizing there is a lot more (dissociated stuff) in here than I really ever imagined, so I've become a bit overwhelmed temporarily, at the task of trying to let.those things exist in my awareness and reconcile that they are me...

Hi Yaku,
I hope you don't mind if I respond now, because I saw your post before you took it down and was thinking about it. I was in a group where the therapist discussed how a lot of people want to "solve someone's problem" when they feel bad when really just listening so they know someone is there is what helps. But I do want to help so I'll say it just in case this might help (it is so basic it is silly to tell you really).

I just saw that you couldn't do IOP and I've talked to others about how for me, IOP mostly just gets me out of the house when normally I wouldn't leave. IOP does a little more than that, you can talk about stuff to other people because they get it for example. I don't have any idea if this would help you, but if you are alone a lot, sometimes it helps me to just go where there are people, even if I don't talk to them - I used to sit in the lobby of the library in grad school with a newspaper, or go to Target, or go ice skating, and being out and having other people there - people who say "excuse me" if they bump into you, or "do you know where the bathroom is?" - it can pull me back from that scary place where I feel kind of dizzy and like my mind is shattering.
(((Yaku))) I hope you feel better.

(((everyone)))

Sorry for not responding individually, but thanks again, so much. I got a ton of sleep today and my H cleaned up the house while I rested and that helped a lot. I think I am struggling with existential shame and annihilation anxieties right now as relates to my attachment to T. I know I'll get through it. I have to remember to take things one day at a time, because the big picture can sometimes be really overwhelming.