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6 replies

I just want to feel successful somehow

catalystcatalystMember
Well, I'm having a visit soon, which I've talked about. Ts have been working with me on boundaries, stabilization, etc.

Can someone tell me if this is a fake it til you make it situation?

I want my parents to enjoy their visit. If I feel successful in making them happy, my safety, wellbeing and happiness are more likely to be satisfied. I love them, miss them, and would like to have a good time. A childlike part of me is convinced that I have ultimate power to make or break this situation as good or bad.

I want my therapy to be successful. If I feel like if I do the things my Ts are suggesting and we came up with, I will be happy with myself. My safety, wellbeing and happiness may be satisfied but it's going to take a lot more work than just submitting to my visitors. I'm willing to do the work but don't know if my level of trigger will allow it. If/when I regress or difficult things come up because of this I'm going to feel at fault.

There is no one in the entire world more dangerous to be disappointed in me than myself.

Um... so what about me? WTF do I want? I just want to make everybody and everything happy, I want to be successful. What is my measure of success? It feels like no matter what I do I've set myself up for disappointing my expectations.... either with therapy or my relationship.

I want to want myself to be safe, to be happy... I want to have boundaries because I genuinely feel entitled to my separateness and my feelings. It feels like the skills I'm working on take the 'me' out of my actions, I feel like having them here takes the 'me' out of the relationship. I know I can't do my new skills from a genuine regard for myself place... so it is a fake it until you make it thing....

Does this make sense to anyone? Having a laundry list of opposing things to do and you want to do all of them and the only reason why is because doing them will make you feel better. Frowner I'm lost.
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L lieseMember
((((CAT)))))

quote:
so it is a fake it until you make it thing....


I used to feel like this ALL THE TIME and totally get where you are coming from. I do have to say that lately when I actually get moments of peace and emotional stability (unfortunately still fleeting) that my laundry list doesn't feel like a chore I'm disconnected from anymore.

When are the parents coming? And for how long? Will they be staying with you?
catalystcatalystMember
((Liese)) Phew, I'm glad (and sad) you can relate. I'm glad it doesn't feel like a 'chore'... I'm not sure if mine does, it just feels like something I want to do, and I want to do 'right'. They get here in 4 days, staying for one week, and in a hotel not with me. I have one extremely protective T (my ED T) and then my regular T I know has some mama bear in her but gives more open suggestions. It gives me that dichotomy of... make them (the 'rents) happy, versus the therapy stuff - at least that is the dysfunction I change it to. How have you found your moments of peace with it?

((Athenacus)) Thank you Hug two
L lieseMember
(((CAT)))

I can't tell you how glad I am that they are staying in a hotel. Don't feel bad for taking time out for yourself if you find things getting too intense. It's hard to spend so much concentrated time with anyone, much less parents. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling overwhelmed or feeling like you are not enjoying their company or for feeling like they are not having fun. Expect the visit to have downs as well as ups - which is more realistic anyway - and then if there are so downs, you won't feel like a failure.

I could never really get a sense for whether or not my T was one of those T's who believed in cutting off from your family but I told him that I couldn't abandon my Mom and so somehow had to resolve my feelings towards her.

It helped a lot to assert myself with her. I never did it in a mean way. Just stated my opinion politely when she wanted me to do something I didn't agree with. It wasn't always easy and she often got mad but she eventually got over it. It's also helped that she has a bit of dementia now and isn't as opinionated and negative as she used to be. It's not as hard to be around her as it used to be.

It's also helped that I have more of a sense of the past is the past and I have to move on now. I'm entering a different phase of life. I'm not a child anymore. I can take control of my life and, really, I'm expected to take control. I think the peace comes from letting go of the past and expectations. I had SO many ideas of how things SHOULD be. I don't know why. Who I am and what I like certainly wasn't factoring into the equation at all. I listen to those feelings more now and try not to judge myself. So what, I don't like to have traditional family holidays. Does that make me a bad Mom or a bad person?

I don't know if that's what you mean or if that helps at all. Hope you are doing okay today. You are brave to do this.
puppetpuppetMember
((cat))
you talk about doing it right and being successful, but i dont think there is a 'wrong' way and i think just taking this on shows how far you have come and that you are already a success!
i hope you wont feel dissapointed in yourself, just do what you can, thats all you can do. and its not all up to you either, your parents have to do their part too!

anyway, sounds like some frustrating useless advice like dont worry.. but i hope you're not too anxious and doing ok.

puppet

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