I've had bits here and there posting about my very difficult ending with T2. She projected so much, did not ask my feelings or thoughts on things... I've said this all before.

But what I've been left with... The unbearable pain.. Every night, holding me hostage while I try to fall asleep, consuming and breaking every moment of silence. I cry, and cry, and cry.

It was an elevator fall from feeling like I had space to be listened to, to be considered, to be given the benefit of the doubt, to be spoken to gently... As it had been for 3 solid years. There was re-traumatization (and I do not say these types of things lightly) and such negligence due to her (admittedly) own things entering my therapy.

I now feel like I don't deserve a voice in the world... That out of everyone she powered my voice and was so much support in my learning to find my own self love. She told me it was so important I be heard.., and in the end could be hear me, and has refused any contact that may have helped us reconnect.

It'a not fair. I'm sorry not to add detaila more right now...
But to really grow from someone's support and later be told in no uncertain terms they do not want to be close, they do not want to know you... Is heart destroying. It's awful. I never want to be close to another human being like that again, I never want to trust cheer leading in my endeavors if ultimately its a farce. T2 seems happy (and already told me is relieved) not to hear from me anymore (and no it wasn't excessive she just could not skill-wise manage transference or CT she's only had 5yrs T experience and I started with her when she only had 2).

Why did this happen? I tried to be perfect, I tried to fix it.... I have been processing this deep grief, anger, suffering, heartbrokenness and shock for so long. The pain is unbelievable and its so hard to find another T who will work in a team.

I feel like I deserved this... I'm too much, I'm too intense and anyone that knows me well enough sees I'm such a dirty scum of a soul sucking leach that I've always known I was. It validates my darkest fears that my parent didn't like me because of the very root of me - I'm too much. Their substance abuse didn't help.

T2 said on the phone once and I was curled in her office corner the day before begging her not to get defensive (while she is in my far saying "well.. What? Have I said something out of line about my feelings? They are my feelings so I don't think I have". She told me"you don't have to take care of me". To which I responded okay... But in my head I heard the mantra of my life "if I don't take care of them first.,, what if I ever need their help taking care of me?


Sorry this is long. How do you survive being human or at least being smoke screened in to being treated human only to find out...you are nothing, you are trash, you aren't even hated because that would require care... My existence is indifferent.

I don't know how to go on with any of my relationships even the ones I can clearly recognize being humanized and respected because I hold the dear I will be found out... And the last woman on earth I worried would do this.... Did it. Took me feeling valuable on the basis of being alive to demonstrating with clear signs (so many clearly established changes and "relief" (her word) to have less of me. I'm working my butt off not to run from T1 or life I just don't believe in trust anymore, or love, or respect.

I don't even feel good enough to speak, eat, breathe or exist anymore. I tried to be perfect, and then continued to and nothing would change. I am a failure. T2 even said "the therapy failed" several times. I invested so much of my blood sweat tears and years in to that and for her it's a shrug (I see it) and for me it's.,,, a personal failure without enough words to say my pain over it.

Why??! Please help.