As background my parents have never been able to accept my feelings and opinions. My mother thinks no one should ever feel anything but happy and she is angry and punishing when I am negative. She is also narcissistic. They are both very critical and spent my entire life telling me I was too fat, unattractive, too unhappy, too sad, etc. Lately they have started talking about my eldest daughter's size, commenting on her grad dress etc.

Last week at my daughter elementary school graduation my mother decided to say "did you gain a lot of weight recently or did you gain it awhile ago and I'm just noticing know"ànd "oh I guess I didn't realize how big you were until I saw you in a dress". I got more and more angry over the weekend. Yesterday during my session I talked about how angry I was at my mother for what she said and how powerless I felt because I couldn't do anything. My T asked me why I couldn't get angry at my mother or stop seeing her. I said she would never accept my feelings and I wasn't ready to cut off my children from my extended family even though they weren't helpful to me. The immediate problem is that I am supposed to spend the long weekend with my parents at the family cottage and then my parents leave town for about 3 months. I am not sure that I can go and not be angry. My T suggested I try and draw a line where I tell my parents that I am angry about their comments about weight and appearance and I don't want to deprive my children of the weekend with them but they can't say those kinds of comments.


I decided to try it last night and it did not go well. I wanted them to agree to stop talking about weight, body size, food etc. I didn’t even get through the sentence before my mother started laughing that I could be making such a big deal about what she said. My parents told me they wouldn’t come with my family this weekend because they didn’t want to upset me. I said I would like them to stop with their comments anywhere. Then my mother told me she has no idea why I am so sensitive, why I am so unreasonable, why I don’t address things when they happen and then make such a big deal out of them. Both my parents assured me that they have never said anything to suggest that my daughter is overweight, that I am the one that thinks she is and so I misinterpret what they say. Some of their comments are just jokes and why can’t I take a joke. I told them that I had spent about 15 years as an adult trying to communicate with them. What I had learned was that no matter what I said and how I said it they told me I misunderstood or was too sensitive or wasn’t remembering the facts correctly or wasn’t presenting my upset correctly (I waited too long and should have said something right away). I told my mother that she had never accepted any responsibility for what she said or did and I couldn’t remember her apologizing. My mother told me that I am her only child who could never apologize so there is no way she would ever apologize to me for anything. She also never tells me about the many things I do that hurt her feelings and instead she writes angry letters to me that she never sends and she doesn’t know why I don’t do the same thing. By the end of the call my mother was sobbing as she apologized profusely for anything she has ever said that might have hurt my feelings. She apologized for caring so much. She promised to never say anything ever again about my weight. She wants only the best for me and I should tell her the minute something upsets me. I guess so she explain why I shouldn't be upset. She clearly feels like I have wounded her with what I said and therefore she went with the dramatic martyr-like behaviour.

After a half hour like that my mother went out. My father called me back to talk to me some more. He is more reasonable and has some sympathy for me. He could at least hear some of my complaints. He acknowledged that my mother has trouble thinking about anybody other than herself and loses her temper easily and lashes out at people. He asked me to cut my mother a lot of slack because she had a difficult childhood and he is worried about her health. I told him I had a difficult childhood and it was made difficult by my mother being unable to accept me having any feelings other than happiness. I said that I had been SA’d as a child and they hadn’t noticed and that when I finally told my parents about the abuse as a teenager they did absolutely nothing but my mother did accuse me of making up stories. I told him I wasn’t the happiest or easiest child because I had to deal with all that by myself. I was glad I got to say some things to my father but I'm not sure it makes a difference because he is really concerned about my mother and we ended by discussing how angry and upset my mother would be when she returned home and how she might respond to that.

I keep trying with my parents and failing. My eldest daughter told me that her therapist and her talked about how her and my relationship is a lot like my mother and my relationship. She thinks I am very negative and critical and comment on her appearance. I am having a hard time.

Sorry for the super long post but I have had a terrible 24 hours.