quote:

I think i just want to know that someone can hear the pain I'm in.

AG
I CAN hear the pain you are in and I really do know how much it hurts. And it truly does suck that no one can take it away, especially the person you want most to do it, your T. I really don't have a lot of advice for you. If I did, I could give it to myself also and then neither one of us would be in pain. Wanting you T (or your mommy) us excruciating and while you are in it, it seems like it will never end. But, you do know it will. It is just so hard to crawl through it.

I know I haven't been any help. I just wanted to let you know that I care and I know what you are feeling.

(((((AG)))))

PL

PL,
You'd be amazed how much that helped. Thank you.

AG

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
DISCLAIMER: This rant does not constitute my complete opinion of therapy. I think therapy has substantially improved my life. But its how I feel right now and I need to say it. I don't want to scare anyone off. I'm a whiney ugly ball of need right now so if you're having a bad day, you should probably skip the rant.

I slammed into my Ts boundaries again last Friday (I'm in that part of the cycle) and that intense painful longing for something beyond our therapy relationship set in. Which was extraordinarily frustrating because our last session was amazing, and I was SO clear when I left. So I wrote him a very blunt email and asked when this intense longing would morph into a faint regret I could live with? Would I ever get past this? I asked him to call me about it and he called me that evening and we had a short conversation where he did tell me that I would get past it but its part of the cycle and I just needed to get talking about how I felt. It was a very calm, dispassionate conversation and as soon as I hung up the phone I melted down, ending up calling him back and sobbing on the phone incoherently for a little while.

I'm in the end game. I keep slamming into what I want from my T, realizing I can't have it (because as I said he's REALLY good at boundaries while remaining emotionally accessible) which sends me past him to the grief over what I didn't get. I am letting go of that lifelong longing and search and grieving the loss so I can stop looking for something I'll never find.

I understand the process a lot better now and what I need to do. Which is helpful but also painful because I am deeply aware that there is no way out but through, so I have to feel this And because its the end game this was the stuff that was buried the deepest and its the most painful that I've had to face. So painful that feeling it just doesn't leave me with a lot of resources left over when dealing with it. Especially since for some reason my family and job persist in sticking around.

The only appt I had with my T this week was a couples' session which went well. For my husband. As occasionally happens I felt like I was sitting in on one of his sessions (that door swings both ways, sometimes its more about me) which was really fine, it was good work, but during the session while explaining something to my husband my T started talking about what we can expect from our parents, that they would pay attention to us, identify our needs and give us what we needed without our having to ask for it. And if we didn't get that, then the longing for someone to understand our needs without our making them known will linger on into adulthood. And if we get what we need its easier to express our needs because our expectation is that they will be met. While if that doesn't happen, epxressing our needs can feel dangerous.

His talking about that ripped the top off of my carefully closed box wherre I was attempting to keep my grief until my next session. But one of the problems that my husband and I have struggled with for a long time (some of it based on fact, some on the past) is the feeling that it always becomes about me and my needs. So it felt totally impossible to speak about how I was feeling. So I literally at one point picked a spot on the far wall and just zoned listening just enough to hear when my T stopped talking about the stuff that was triggering me. And either I hid it well or my T noticed but also knew it wouldn't be good to go there at that moment.

So here I am, a week away from another appointment and in unspeakable pain. I actually feel like I want to howl. This just hurts so f---ing bad. I have worked to feel this way. And yes, i still know I'm doing what I need to do but it HURTS. And I want someone to come and stop this, which I know is what it felt like then, which means no one is coming.

I'm sorry, I don't even know what it is I'm trying to say. I think i just want to know that someone can hear the pain I'm in.

I know this is worth it; I know I'm going to heal but its still pushing me to my limit to endure this pain. I want my T. You can read that as I want my mommy. Which is the problem. I didn't have her. And I can feel that I'm really enraged on some level but I think that's for later. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS ANYMORE. Hell, I didn't want to feel it in the first place. It just sucks, that's all, it just sucks.

AG

AG-

Wow I can deff relate to you!!! I am soooo sorry you are going through this =( It sucks. It is SO painful and frustrating!!!

Honestly I don't know you or your husband, but it sounds like you have a lot of needs that weren't met and you may be more needy than him.That is okay! You deserve to work through this and to get that attention.I hope he will learn to understand this and support you. I guess its easier said than done. My mom "supports" me, yet she doesn't get how much pain I am in....

Do you also have individual therapy.. not just couples counseling?? Or was your hubby just coming to a session for you?? Because you might just need one on one.. that might help you more.. Not sure!!

I know for me that I have to have my mom come to a session and I am freaking out, because I know I need it, but sharing my therapist with her angers me. I am worried they might team up on me.. or that I won't be able to open up as much with my mom in the room...because I DON'T feel around her to keep her "sane".

Anyways I totally know what its like to LOOOONG for your therapist. I would give anything if only she was my mom or sister.. or someone in my family! I get jealous of her family / friends and wish I was them..It gives me butterflies in my tummy thinking of her in my family-- Although we have to remember that we are special to our therapist and that they do care. Plus I know if I saw her out of session it would screw with the therapy and I would either become TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON HER or I would become sick of her!lol..

Its deff normal for kids who were abused or neglected to have those kinds of feelings as adults.. and you are working through them which is amazing!! My therapist says when we were being abused our attachments got all messed up and so becoming attached to your therapist is supposed to be healing.

I know I was very clingy with my T off and on . Sometimes after sessions I felt so abandoned I just wanted to kill myself. It was so scary... I am better now and I bet I will become clingy with my therapist again....but you will get through it and will learn more and more each time. This process SUCKS! But you are not alone and you WILL get through it to happier times!! Healing has its perks - otherwise why would anyone do it?? =/..

Its nice to have a therapist who we can lean on and who can give us that undivided attention that other's haven't. Feeling DOES SUCK!!! But it also is great. Eventually you will feel more of the good feelings than bad.. but we have to feel a lot of the bad to feel the good. Its kind of like being sick...you have all this yucky stuff inside and you have to get rid of it to feel better.... I think its really scary to feel at first , because I we have stuffed down all this crap... When you feel safe enough... like with your therapist you begin to feel, but than you have to leave your appointment and it SUCKS being without them. But remember he cares even if you aren't in his office... It will be okay!!! You are not alone at all!!

Sorry I could ramble on for hours!! FEEL BETTER!!!!!

quote:

Originally posted by Summer:


I feel like therapy is a huge risk. We can learn so much from it, but the risk for pain is something I wasn't aware could possibly happen.

Ick therapy is a HUGE risk!!! I guess we are learning how painful and unfair life really is.. Like we didn't know already!!! But the fact that you keep going in life and don't give up shows how strong you are .... and I am sure you know more than the average JOE..

I do think that therapy is worth the risk, because even if our T does screw with us or leaves us we learn something.. Its part of learning about relationships and how crappy they can be (however I do not condone a therapist abusing a patient in any way shape or form! That is horrid)

I do feel that therapists should not just leave. You deserved closure. I think its very irresponsible for someone to do that in that profession. You do have a reason to be angry about that.

I know for me I goto a place that specializes in childhood abuse...transference...ect so I feel confident that if my T is to up and leave she will at least let me know and refer me to someone else.. BUT I really hope that doesn't happen!

Anyways remember your P and what he has taught you... it will always be with you.... And I like to believe that in the after life we will meet up with everyone who we have lost touch with... crazy maybe, but oh well =)

AG,

Your pain sounds awful, and you are in my thoughts tonight. When I read people describing their suffering, it makes me cry because it all seems to comes down to the same f-ing thing; mom and/or dad. I didn't know people could long for something so badly that it could cause your level of suffering.

As your T says, you'll get past it eventually. Sometimes when I'm feeling cursed by some evil, oppressive feeling beyond my control, I'll read some poetry. This is part of a Mary Oliver poem that I like called "At Blackwater Pond."

"To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go."

You'll get there.
Russ

Summer,
Thanks for all you said, I'm really sorry for what's going on with your T that would really be difficult to handle. I can understand why you're upset and concerned, I hope you hear from him soon. I think you're handling it amazingly well.

Transferencegirl,
Thanks! My husband and I see my T for marital counseling (he was actually my husband's T first) about once every three weeks but I see him weekly for individual appts. Just so happened I didn't make an individual one with him this week. I did ask him about getting an appt yesterday but he didn't have anything open. Scheduling is tough with him, he's been doing this for 30 years and I think has a large client base.

(((((((Russ)))))))
Thank you for your compassion and your poem. I couldn't put it into words but reading that poem gives me hope. It's a reminder that we do not know joy without embracing the loss.

AG

Hey...AG...

I hear your pain...and empathize with you...you know I do.

Actually my T is gone for the next 10 days...and I kinda feel like I'm on vacation. It's nice in a way. I still can't cope with everything that is going on...but I might as well try to make the best of the time I have to try. Now that may all change in the next 5 minutes...but in this moment...I'm OK. And maybe you can think of it in that way? And if not...then you should definitely call and schedule an extra session. (sorry...cross post while I was typing. You could ask to be on a cancellation list.)

You know how I rail against the boundaries...especially since I am thinking about ending my therapy and fear never seeing my T again. Is that part of your fear? Hmmmm.... Why does getting better mean---YOU LOSE? It really doesn't make much sense does it? But I guess that's the deal we make when we go into therapy. It's the only truly significant relationship we enter....knowing from the very start that we will lose that relationship. It sucks...more than a black hole.
I don't know if I ever want my love for my T to morph into "faint regret." But if that is how to overcome it...then so be it. It's the tragedy of therapy, I guess.

Maybe you missed your old neighborhood in Denial? LOL....I go back and visit frequently, I have quite a few friends there...but won't live there ever again! And neither will you.

Anyway to quote a well known writer on this forum....(perhaps you will recognize her? )

quote:

And yes, you express the feeling by saying "I feel like I need to be loved." That may be followed by "I still feel like I need to be loved." Your therapist cannot give you what you didn't receive then, but they can help you get what you need now to heal from that loss. So instead of "I need you to hold me" you might think of it as "I neeeded to be held and I would like you to hold me." You're T may not be able to hold you, but they can hear and understand you feeling that way.

I love you...we all do...and you know it. But it doesn't hurt to keep hearing it...
((((AG)))))

SD

quote:

I love you...we all do...and you know it. But it doesn't hurt to keep hearing it...
((((AG)))))

SD... you just said it perfectly.

TN

Summer....

You know...if your P had something really serious going on. Then he should inform his clients. So perhaps it is something with his family. Yes...as you said...something beyond his control. It does surprise me a bit that he has not informed you anyway. But I suppose he does not want to put his clients in a care-taking role. I'm sure you will know before long. Hang in there...keep writing...and start writing to him. I have a very long list of letters to my T. I write them with the intention of never delivering them...and it helps me to maintain some perspective. It's a good exercise and I'm usually very happy that they are never delivered. Some of them...well...they are there...just in case I want her to see them.

SD

Oh AG

You so express what the rest of us can't articulate...
==================
that they would pay attention to us, identify our needs and give us what we needed without our having to ask for it. And if we didn't get that, then the longing for someone to understand our needs without our making them known will linger on into adulthood. And if we get what we need its easier to express our needs because our expectation is that they will be met. While if that doesn't happen, epxressing our needs can feel dangerous.
====================================

Hang in there - you know you have to. It's just so bloody hard to keep at it and try to maintain a life at the same time. No wonder people actually 'break down'...

L

quote:

Look at this differently and celebrate your initiation to the wonderful world of living and feeling and being. Turn it around, forget the fairy tale, it is about coping with our disappointment, it is about having the courage to love even when you are not loved back simply because you do. It is when being yourself is enough and you no longer need the caregiver to help you survive because you can manage and you connect not for survival but for the expression of what is in your heart.

HB
This brought tears to my eyes. You really have hit on it all. I just wonder if I will ever get there. As you said, the pain is impermanent, but it is so difficult to see to the other side of it while you are in it.

I really admire your perspective on all of this. I hope someday, and not too, too far in the future, I can look at life the way you do. You are an inspiration to me. Sometimes I think that the darkness will never pass, but you are proof that with persistence, it does. Thanks for being such a wealth of comfort for me.

PL

Just passing through quickly. I read your original post AG and it made me cry. I know your longing. I recognize it in myself. And I know that those long weeks in btwn sessions are unbearable. I am constantly amazed at your tenaciousness and how brave you are. YOu are a truly beautiful person and I hope some day that you know that.

Hang in there my friend

Jo

AG

Thank you for putting so well into words exactly how I feel. You are so articulate. It's amazing.

My need is so big. I know it's my need for my mom, but it has certainly transferred to my therapist. I have such a sadness that I will never really get these needs met. I know that I need to grieve the loss of never having had these needs met. My therapist is doing a great job of meeting some of my needs. Obviously, she can't meet all of them. She suggested that I try to work on being okay with having it be enough. It just hurts so much!

I hear your pain.

I understand your pain.

Hugs to you.

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:

I know this is worth it; I know I'm going to heal but its still pushing me to my limit to endure this pain. I want my T. You can read that as I want my mommy. Which is the problem. I didn't have her. And I can feel that I'm really enraged on some level but I think that's for later. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS ANYMORE. Hell, I didn't want to feel it in the first place. It just sucks, that's all, it just sucks.

AG

AG,

I just reread your original post again. It was really stunning to read about the pain of longing for something you can't have and never had. I have to say that I haven't experienced that level of longing yet, but I have the impression that I'm going to have to.

You say in your post that you worked to feel that way. I'm curious to know what exactly you did to evoke these feelings. I'm curious because my T announced to me today that I'm going to have to experience the feelings that I've had with a close friend of mine over the past year by myself, and not through her, since she isn't - in fact - my mother.

He said that I'm standing on the edge of a desert, and I have to make the walk through it by myself, and endure these feelings myself, and come to a new understanding about them, and to find soothing and comfort from myself and not from some stand-in for my mother or father.

I said, "I feel like I'm back to square one." He said, "it takes a long time to get to square one...welcome to square one."

I know the original post was back in March. I hope things have worked themselves out a bit since then for you.

Russ

Hi Russ
It's good to hear from you! Sorry it has taken so long to reply, my family is on vacation and my posting time and internet access is limited right now.

Things have definitely worked themselves out a bit since then. I was in the middle of grieving which was, as always, painful and sometimes a lot of work. Especially because this grief has been buried so deep and for so long. But letting myself feel it and being able to express it and have someone else understand it and help me to understand it, have allowed me to heal. The best way I know to describe it is that as I have felt the pain and allowed myself to finally grieve what happened, I clean out space inside myself which can then fill with light and energy for other things.

I find myself feeling clearer and clearer more often these days. I keep experiencing piercing happiness at the oddest moments; its such a gift. Bu more importantly, I am finally letting go of expecting to find some perfect place where my needs are all perfectly met. Life isn't like that. It has ups and downs, good and bad stuff. But I have learned with my T that I have what I need to face whatever happens, and that it is safe to move closer in my relationships to help me cope with whatever comes my way. Pain isn't a part of love; pain is a part of life, and love is it's cure.

But I had to allow myself to feel the grief and walk through it to learn those things. If there is one thing I have learned in way too many years of therapy it's that you can be in pain and holding still or you can be in pain and moving forward. I'd rather be using the pain to go somewhere.

OK, that was a little longer than I meant it to be, but what's new? On to your question.

quote:

You say in your post that you worked to feel that way. I'm curious to know what exactly you did to evoke these feelings.

So am I! Sorry this is one of those things that doesn't have a clear cut answer but in many ways was about being with my T and allowing him to "contain" my feelings. I was so scared of my feelings because I had never been taught what to do with them, that I pretty much shoved them down and lived in my left brain. I used my intellect to compensate for shutting away my emotions. In the struggle to form a secure attachment with my T, I learned that my feelings wouldn't overwhelm or kill me, that I had someone to help me with them. My sessions were often about staying through the fear. Instead of backing away and use one of my defenses (disassociation, eating, distracting myself games, etc) I would stay with what I was feeling. Especially in the beginning, a lot of this was done with my T in session. Having him stay perfectly calm in the face of whatever I was feeling slowly taught me that I didn't need to be scared of it either. That feelings, in and of themselves, won't hurt you. I didn't used to believe that. I actually believed that getting too angry or sad or scared would destroy me. The only way to get over that was to feel it in my Ts presence and experience over and over that I was still standing when the fear had passed away.

And as I let myself finally feel, I had to keep talking about the feelings and learning to express them. It was unbelievable confusing sometimes. I had sessions that consisted of me walking into my Ts office and telling him I knew that I was upset but had no idea what I was feeling and then just starting to talk without having to make any sense. He would listen and sort through what he was hearing and start asking questions until we could make sense of it. That trail would often lead to memories which contained deep core beliefs that were lies. By pulling them out into the light of day, it was possible to break their power. Not that they didn't come back but I could fight them now.

I wish I could give you a clearer answer but it was a chaotic, messy process and one that happened so gradually, that I keep experiencing that I know things now that my T explained for a long time without quite knowing how I learned them. It was by being in the presence of someone who knew how to regulate their emotions that I learned how to regulate mine. But the first step was in staying still long enough to feel my feelings. It was extremely hard work and very scary. My T recently told me that he has seen me as scared as it is possible for a human being to get. I would never have been able to do it without him there.

But I will also say that all the pain and fear and struggle has been MORE than worth it. I really do feel like I'm on the far side of it now. Not that life won't ever get scary, or painful or even overwhelming, but I know it will be ok in the end, in a deep down way I never have before.

And I know it doesn't feel like it but you're doing what you need to do to get there. I can hear and see it in your posts. Trust me, someday this is all going to make a lot more sense.

And I'm not sure if this will help, but I wanted to share a poem I wrote recently about finally working through all the fear, I hope maybe it can convey what I'm talking about.

Endgame
Multiple layers of defense
Emotions wielded as armor
Anger to keep my distance
Jealousy to withhold my trust
Desire to focus elsewhere
To provide any other reason for pain, for longing,
for unrequited needs
Fear threading through, warp and weft
Being scared to look, to know, to acknowledge
The ever present fear of annihilation
All dashed impotently against a refusal to defend, give way or leave
A stillness held throughout the fury of a tempest
Loving patience, trusting silence
Until the storm was spent and fear drained away
Now safe, I stand naked before my grief
The sadness at my core exposed at last
My feelings, mine, my fitting mourning
Freed to course through me
But no longer alone, I stand fast
The grief flows past, while I and another remain

AG

Hi AG,
I am glad you're feeling better. It is a painful process but i guess anything important is never easy.

quote:

I find myself feeling clearer and clearer more often these days. I keep experiencing piercing happiness at the oddest moments; its such a gift. Bu more importantly, I am finally letting go of expecting to find some perfect place where my needs are all perfectly met. Life isn't like that. It has ups and downs, good and bad stuff. But I have learned with my T that I have what I need to face whatever happens, and that it is safe to move closer in my relationships to help me cope with whatever comes my way. Pain isn't a part of love; pain is a part of life, and love is it's cure.

Love that so much. It really resonates with me. I've realised too that I need to stop fighting grieving what i missed out on. I keep looking for someone to fill the void and "heal" my past but the only one that can do that is me. And I can't do that until i accept what happened and learn to love myself. I was really in tune with this before but it's gone now so i can't really explain it any better.

quote:

Loving patience, trusting silence
Until the storm was spent and fear drained away
Now safe, I stand naked before my grief
The sadness at my core exposed at last
My feelings, mine, my fitting mourning
Freed to course through me
But no longer alone, I stand fast
The grief flows past, while I and another remain

Love this even more! So eloquent and beautiful, thank you for sharing it.

LTF

AG,

Thanks so much for your wonderful (as always) response. My apologies for my rambling post here.

It's interesting how you describe yourself as feeling "clearer" these days. On my better days, that's how I would describe myself, too, but I think it's in a different way (or maybe not).

See, at some point in my childhood I internalized the belief that feeling things such as loneliness, anger and longing (among others) were, essentially, illegal. Since starting therapy, I've even had dreams where I'm being punished by some kind of authority figure for having certain feelings and thoughts. And if those feelings started to bubble up inside me, I would punish myself in some self-hating way. And when I was 23, I started punishing myself with anxiety attacks.

My first anxiety attack happened on a train in Amsterdam when I was 23, travelling in Europe by myself. I was incredibly lonely and homesick. As I rode on the empty train, I recalled a humiliating experience from my childhood, then attacked myself by calling myself a very nasty name. Had I been equipped with the ability to say to myself, "I'm really lonely and homesick, and there's nothing wrong with that," I doubt anything would've happened. Instead, my "punisher" attacked me for these feelings, which scared me to death and I had my first panic attack. I had really strong feelings, and instead of allowing myself to have them, I "broke the law" and punished myself for it. The punishment was also due to the child inside me protesting the adult me trying to break free from my parents. I think when we don't get our needs met in early days, the child refuses to let us really detach from our parents, and any attempt to do so can also result in self-hating habits.

So now, what I experience on bad days is what I can only describe as a very physical kind of brain fog in the front of my head, and the fog is one of intense fear and dread of an unknown origin. It's truly awful, and my T feels that it is the self-hating part of myself distracting me from - and punishing me for - certain feelings that if experienced and allowed would signal that it's no longer illegal to have these feelings, but also that I'm finally detaching from mom and dad and becoming an authentic adult. So, on days when the "fog" is not as bad, I feel "clearer." I hope this makes some sense.

In any case, I had a feeling you might not have a concrete answer for how you evoked your feelings . This is my technical, problem-solving mind trying to make linear, if-then-else concrete cause-and-effect sense of my stuff. Your response is just more evidence that there's a lot of mystery to how these things happen.

Thanks again! I'm so glad to hear you're doing well these days.

Oh, I love the poem, too. Thanks for including that. I just got Mary Oliver's latest book of poems called "Thirst." I really love her stuff.

Russ

"So here I am, a week away from another appointment and in unspeakable pain. I actually feel like I want to howl. This just hurts so f---ing bad. I have worked to feel this way. And yes, i still know I'm doing what I need to do but it HURTS. And I want someone to come and stop this, which I know is what it felt like then, which means no one is coming."

Oh (((AG))), I hear and feel your pain, especially when you wrote the above...'no one is coming'...no one can 'stop this.' It does hurt really bad...I can relate...I wanted someone to stop 'this', too and save me, but no one ever did and no one ever will...and I will never be 'special' like in the mother/daughter sense and I never was....it SUCKS!!!! It fills me with such a pain and such a RAGE at the same time...so...yeah...I can soo relate AG!..mlc

Hi HB,

Thank You for your kindness...I am okay at the moment...but a little sad...mlc

Hi MLC, hope you don't mind me butting in, but can i ask why you're a bit down? I hope you're doing ok.
LTF

Hi LTF, Thank You for asking and hoping I'm doing okay...I guess I'm down because I feel as though I have a permanent ache/hunger inside of me to be 'special' to someone(esp. my T)...I wish I was her daughter, her lover, or her sister...and I know all of this is a fantasy and I need to grieve about it, but it seems so neverending...and at the same time I feel such RAGE at the loss of this feeling in my life(I never was special to my mother and never will be...). So basically I have a lot of sadness and rage. With feeling this rage(and anger at people I feel connected to but can't fill that 'special-feeling' void) I have been withholding/restricting myself from them, including my T. This withholding only serves to intensify the sadness/rage/hunger, etc...so...that is what is going on right now...I hope I was somewhat coherent--I tend to have a problem putting feelings into words...thank You again for your concern...mlc

Hi HB, I don't know why...but finding nice/special things about myself and taking care of myself, etc...fills me with such anger/rage...I'm sorry....I know your question is a good one but I feel so angry when I think about taking care of myself in this way...I know it keeps me stuck....I guess I want to know others care enough about me to do it for me...and yet, I know if I don't start doing it for myself the hole in me will never fill up....ugh...has anyone been in a similar position/similar feelings? mlc

....also....I'm just sooo angry right now, in general...I feel like things are really coming to a boiling point with me and my T...I really want her but yet I am sooooo angry I am not her special someone...I feel like I am going to bust open with RAGE!!!!....this is the first time I've ever really allowed myself to experience this degree of anger and it SUCKS!!! I feel soo powerless and I feel like I am being teased(not sure why), humiliated, and I start to feel the RAGE in my crotch area too...which makes it even more unbearable...(I am soo embarassed to admit this...)...mlc

HB...thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and your reply..I actually can't thank you enough..you've brought up some verrry thought-provoking points that will have me working on for awhile...I would like to print your reply and bring it to my next session(if I may)...mlc

Hi again HB, I just wanted you to know again that I really appreciated your reply to my post and when you wrote that my 'anger reminds me of mine and connects me to you, in a way it shows you care and feel and that is a good sign. Maybe it is your very honesty and courage about these awfully embarassing things that makes you special in general and in particular to me.'...I felt very touched! I had my session yesterday with my T and showed her all that you wrote...she loved it!! You helped me tremendously get through the 'rage' tidal wave I was experiencing! Thank You soo very much...and I think that you hit the nail on the head when you wrote about my anger saying 'yes, I am worthy of being loved'....mlc

Did I scare people with my posts in this section?...mlc

....I'm sorry if I did....mlc

Mlc,
Not at all!!! Sorry you felt that way. I've been on vacation and my posting has been few and far between, I'm trying to find some time to catch up because I've got so much to write. Please don't feel that way at all, you didn't nothing at all wrong. I've struggled with all the same feelings so there was nothing shocking in what you said. Life just gets in the way of posting sometimes.

AG