The same thing happened to me. When I first started seeing my T, I talked about my CSA. We talked about it a few times over the year. I even drew and wrote comics (not funny, though) about it. Then, it came to a point where I couldn't talk about it. My mouth would not open. I could only grunt and make noise, but I couldn't talk. I spent an entire session not talking, because I couldn't. I was literally in a place of pre-speech, like a child who can't yet speak, which is when some of the damage occurred.

My therapist said that as you go deeper and deeper with these issues, you go into parts of yourself that can't talk about it for various reasons. So, where it might have been okay to talk about it one week, you might not be able to the next.

I found drawing about it to be particularly helpful, albeit painful. I wrote captions about my thoughts and feelings, the perp's thoughts and feelings, etc.

When I talk about it with my T, it certainly triggers a lot of feelings, and this lingers in my week and makes it difficult to be functional. It also brings up the issue of trust with my therapist, more accurately, whether I can trust her to believe me.

It's certainly one of the more challenging things to discuss. I think what you're going through is normal. Take the time you need. You don't have to rush it, but you also don't want to push it away from fear if you're really ready to talk about it. If it works for you, maybe you could start by drawing it, whatever comes out. In doing this, you'll be sort of working through it alone first. The drawing might also give you a focus when you're talking to your T about it.


Good luck!

thanks for the reply catgirl.

I find it amazing that I had talked about it and now I can't. It is overwhelming and becoming a huge elephant thing overshadowing everything else in my life. thanks for telling me about your trust concerns. I never worry about whether my T will believe me, I am worried that my T will blame me.

Of course that just highlights what I worry about. I blame myself. I know I was a child but I was a pretty smart child. Also, it happened with more than one perp. I feel like I must have walked around with a sign on me saying "abuse me, I won't tell (or even worse I like it)"

Thanks for your comments because putting the above paragraph into words really helped me figure out what I was worried about and probably that is what I will start by telling my T. I'm lousy at drawing but writing I will do.

quote:

I feel like I must have walked around with a sign on me saying "abuse me, I won't tell (or even worse I like it)"

Hi Incognito,
I don't have much time so this will be shorter than usual.

You didn't like it and you weren't asking for it. A child is not sexually mature and is never asking for sex. They are asking for physical closeness and affection and comfort, all healthy needs in a child. But the truth is that some adults exploit those needs to use a child for their own ends instead of taking care of the child and meeting the child's needs. My T once told me and I wholeheartedly agree with him now, that in the case of anything sexual happening between an adult and a child, the adult is always responsible.

Pedophiles usually prey on child who are emotionally neglected because their desire to get close to someone is so strong. A child who has already been abused is even more needy because now they need help with what happened to them so it makes them even more vulnerable.

The problem WAS NOT in you, it was in the people who choose to do an evil thing and exploit an innocent child.

OK? You're going to need to hear this alot of times, it took me a very long time before I didn't believe I was responsible. Although a good exercise is to think of someone else you know who experienced CSA. Take me for instance. Do you think the abuse was my fault? The only reason it feels that way is because of your emotions. And on some level you may have wanted to believe it was your fault, because if something is wrong with us we have a hope of fixing it and stopping the abuse. Which is painful but not as painful as recognizing our powerlessness over the situation.

I'm sorry you have to experience this. But I think you were right about this feeling being the place to start with your T.

AG

quote:

I know I was a child but I was a pretty smart child. Also, it happened with more than one perp.

I feel you on this one Incognito. I wasn't a victim of CSA, but I was an intelligent child who was routinely exploited by several adults in my life. My quest for acceptance, nurturance and love manifested itself into a "use me" stamp on my forehead. My T has pointed out to me how often I was exploited and taken advantage of- I didn't even realize the extent of it all until last year. But the fact that we were smart doesn't mean that we should have known better... at least that is what my T says... I'm still working on believing that one. I looked really "mature" and competent but I still had needs because I was a child. Just because I looked like I didn't need anything doesn't mean that i didn't. And it shouldn't have given my mother the right to shuck responsibility and use me to comfort, soothe and care for her.

I really didn't know better. I thought all mom's said stuff like "if you love me you'll stay home from school today" and "you're the only person that can make me happy, I'd kill myself if I didn't have you."

quote:

I feel like I must have walked around with a sign on me saying "abuse me, I won't tell (or even worse I like it)"

Again, I'm understand this too. I felt so special that she "chose" me to come hold her until she fell asleep- it was the only form of physical connection I had. Of course I didn't know it wasn't appropriate for a kid. But I will second AG here... WE WERE NOT ASKING FOR IT. We didn't request it and we certainly didn't want it. It's just what we were taught. We wanted love so badly and we didn't have the skills to discern what was appropriate and what wasn't. The people abusing us were the ones who were SUPPOSED to teach us that!

I believe you can talk to your T about this again. And I think the freedom that comes with having her hear you and NOT blame you will be an amazing experience for you... long term. Right now, it feels awful, but I know that you are strong enough to face this.

((((Incognito)))))

-CT

quote:

Originally posted by incognito:Also, it happened with more than one perp. I feel like I must have walked around with a sign on me saying "abuse me, I won't tell (or even worse I like it)"

It happened to me with more than one perp, too. One as a young child and one as a teenager. And then, as an adult, I got into a sexually abusive relationship. I understand the sign thing, both messages that you feel.

There's something about patterns. I don't quite understand it, but we repeat patterns. We also repeat family patterns, which is what I did.

I ultimately don't feel like it was my fault, but when I go to the child part of me, I feel like I was bad and I deserved it. I don't know how to get over that, except to maybe keep working on making my adult stronger.

What AG says is right, though. It's not our fault.

You say you're lousy at drawing. I guess I'm okay at drawing, but I didn't know it when I started drawing these. That's how I discovered it. But whether or not I was good at drawing didn't matter. It was just that that was how my body was telling me to process it. It worked in a way that writing doesn't. Somehow, I was able to access feelings that I was unable to access through writing or talking. I'm not trying to tell you to draw, it's just that it was a unique experience for me, and it's exciting to share it. If writing works for you, then that's great!

Hopefully, you'll be able to talk about it this week, and if not, I hope that you'll accept that you couldn't talk about it then.