I was seeing this T. since Oct of last yr. I have another thread which talks about this erotic transference that started w/him. He is also the T. I was seeing in Dec when I had a session w/him & these memories came out about this man that was in my life when I was a kid & he did some horrible things to me for several yrs. Two wks after that explosion of emotion in his office I was hospitalized & diagnosed w/ptsd. Since then I've been seeing him just about once a wk, but we have yet to touch anything regarding the ptsd.
Two wks ago I went in w/a list of issues I had w/him bec I felt like we weren't clicking or working on anything really, just kind of floating. First item on the list is the question "are you retiring?" My town is very small & people like to talk. I heard that he was stepping down from several public positions (like school board member) & also heard that his wife, who works @ the local University, was just awarded some grant blah blah she's going on a sabbatical. So right away I start to line the pieces up & think he's going to retire & go w/his wife. He tells me he's NOT retiring but letting go of some things that don't mean as much to him anymore. He said he loves his job & would hate to retire, but he does dump on me that he'll be away part of May & all of June. Great!
To help jump start our next appt he asked me last wk to start writing or journaling. I asked him about what & he just says, "about your feelings." Bit too general for me, but I start.

My 1st entry was about the hardest thing I could talk about w/him. (wanted to skip the baby pool & go to the deep end). I put some major fences down in order to write. Some were about my erotic obsessive thoughts, my desire for pain & a habit I've just really started to notice w/myself is that w/boys (HS yrs) & men I'd play this game of letting them in so to speak to my feelings & waited for them to bail out when they really got to know me. Men in my life have done that & T.s too. I try to push their boundaries to see how far it'll go to get them to leave instead of stay interested in me. Many threw in the towel. This always left me spiteful, angry, depressed & again alone. Confirming my theory that no one cared for me. I was pushing the boundaries w/him too & wanted to see if he'll stay & work w/me.

The 2nd entry delved into the abuse my dad used growing up, my brother that molested me & this guy that had his way w/me for 4 yrs. Once again an extremely hard subject to discuss. I was hoping he was getting the picture that I was ready to talk & work on some of these issues.

Third entry was about anger. Most about myself, situations in my life & anger toward him. That he didn't wanto get into some of these issues & I'm getting ready to explode. It also talked about an anonymous mtg I had the wk before. How he didn't pick up on the signs, didn't notice the next day when I was in his office that I had pain issues & that I'm getting see how desperate I was getting. I stated that I was suicidal.

I dropped the info off last thursday. Friday was a holiday, but I thought by monday or @least Tuesday I'd get a safety check call. I got silence.
I had a horrible wk & was kind of looking forward to talking to...somebody. I figured I dumped a lot out & he'd jump right in. First there was 3-4 min of silence. Then I asked him if he had kids. Wow, I could visibly see the fences fly up on that question. He said yes so I asked if he was a grandfather (he's probably in his 60's). That really threw him. He said no, why does that matter. I said it doesn't, but now you have inside info on me so I wanted to know something in return. I wasn't trying to be spiteful, but i felt pretty naked sitting there while he's holding some of my deep secrets & I wanted some info of his. Maybe to build trust? I don't know.

First he started to talk about 2 former T that I saw. My very first T. I saw when I was 19. He was awesome, very insightful. 3-4 months after I returned to college I read he shot himself. Many yrs later I convinced my H that we needed to see someone together. Apparently we saw this guy twice & he shot himself. That chapter of my life was conveniently zapped out w/ 11 rounds of ECT so I'm trusting what my H tells me on that.
So this is where he wanted to start talking. NOTHING about anything I wrote. He did say he sees that I have a lot of anger issues & don't know how to handle them. I agreed.
Then he said, "I haven't told anyone else this but when you asked me if I was retiring I said no & that's true, but I will be leaving next yr on a 6-12 month sabbatical w/ my wife. I don't have any details, but we do have time to start to work on these anger issues before I leave...if you wanto." So we sat & sat in silence. I knew this might happen so do I "take what I can get" & stick w/him or do I stand up & make my own decision.
I get up & put my coat on & tell him I can't do this. Knowing the mountain of mental health issues I need to go thru, how long it could take reality wise, do I wanto start that w/someone who might be leaving 10-12 months from now who might not return for a yr? & then try to pick up where we left off? Gee another abandonment issue waiting to sprout?
I told him I was done. I quit & that the 3rd journal entry should've produced a phone call & that this isn't the first time he let me down! I had to keep my hands in my pockets bec I seriously thought I wipe that grin off his face.
I could barely see my way to the elevator bec I knew I was going to blow up. So I waited til I got the parking garage & started balling & I mean balling. It was embarassing.
Now I'm totally alone. I see my shrink for 15 min for meds thats it. I have no one to talk to. My H chooses not to get involved, I don't have any friends & family is out of the question. I know I have the connection of you guys here, but I'm sorry I don't think that'll hold me together. I feel like Atlas holding up the weight of the world, but waiting to get smashed. Still haven't addressed the suicidal thoughts that are just hanging there now.
I know I won't run to find another T. there's so, so few. What has anyone else done? Did I make the right decision? Did I burn the wrong bridge? Anybody w/advice I'm desperate to hear it.
Thanks, Mudd
Sorry so long, but now you got it all.