And, no, not in love with him. And yes, I realize that it's not love in the sense that it is a very one-way relationship and I have nothing to give him besides showing him the real, vulnerable child-me that is still somewhere deep down. Though, considering how few people have seen it, I suppose that is a gift of sorts.
He read my extremely long journal, which he always does. He read some of it out loud to me, which seemed like nails on a chalkboard. But, he skipped around after that and hit on all the right points, like he could really understand which parts were most important to me and my safety. He did and said all the right things tonight to let me know he truly gets it.
-He let me pass on sharing my list of topics I wanted to discuss, because I didn't feel ready.
-He helped me verbalize what my anxiety and going blank with him feels like and what it's related to.
-He reassured me that he does not push anyone out of treatment before they're ready to be done and that we could take our time.
-He reiterated that there has never been a single text which has been burdensome or imposing and he is always blessed by my sharing with him and never feels negatively about it.
-He praised my setting limits by telling him when I did or did not wish to discuss certain things.
-He validated my feelings of wanting to be understood, rather than judged or corrected (an issue I'm having with H right now).
-He answered the question in my journal about what should be done with the transference stuff and brought in the psychology/strategy of it as I have been wanting, instead of just the spiritual aspect. He basically said to utilize it to interpret what's going on underneath, so absolutely no rejection or judgment regarding my feelings.
-He gave feedback that helped me know he understood my clarification that my disdain for needing is really a disdain for being unsafe.
-He somehow got several childhood memories out of me verbally, keeping me present enough that I didn't draw a blank (first time ever). He seems pretty fond of and impressed by little me, which made me feel very safe.
-He was able to keep me involved enough in the discussion that we didn't end up in sermon-like reassurances on abiding in Christ.
-He addressed the annihilation fears I mentioned from a psychological perspective (again, engaging the part of me that really wants to be conceptually involved in the processes, to link things).
-When I brought up to please be praying for my flashback-like experience, but told him I didn't feel comfortable discussing it, because I wasn't sure where the boundaries of discussing intimacy were, he said we could come to that in the next session (when time was running out).
-I felt safe enough to tell him when we were finishing up, "Thus begins this week's downward spiral," and he validated that by saying he encourages me to continue to identify those feelings to him.
Thins I wish I could have done better...
-Have the courage to tell him the ways in which his office makes me feel uncomfortable (I told him it did, but not the reasons). I know he most likely won't change anything, but I guess it's a round-about way of letting him know it's hard feeling distant when I'm trying to be vulnerable.
-It was such a good session, I wish I could have had at least a handshake or something at the end to commemorate the slight crack that was made in my shell. Of course, I could not ask or even look him in the eye or face his direction. I actually said, "Thank you" while I was leaving. He said his usual, "God bless you!" of course. I hope he felt what my thanking him meant. I usually get completely distraught and can't say much when leaving...I just turn off. But, even if I couldn't look him in the eye or even turn toward him to say it, I really hope he knew that my thanks meant I felt OK receiving what he had offered me tonight.
So, I come out of this evening really feeling I'm where I am meant to be, at least for now. But, I also fear he has made me so much more attached to him...and I can already sense the humiliation/shame/panic about it being wrong or unsafe. Tomorrow will probably be pretty rough, but I'm hoping more in the desperately missing feeling that connection than the disgusted with myself for wanting/receiving it and paranoia that he is lying that it won't go away until I'm ready to let go. In me, a small voice is asking, "Is it really safe here? I can come out now?" She will take some more convincing, I think...
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