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I'm with you pops....it just wouldn't feel right. I love my T but she's how I see her in my head if you know what I mean. My T boundaries are solid she believes if we started meeting for coffee or something, it stops being therapy. I hate that but I know she's right 
Oh dear Popps 
; I have a feeling I'm going to get slaughtered here!
My T has already been round to my house at my invitation and it felt like a perfectly normal thing for us to do. We sat on my sofa and had a chat and a cup of tea, and she even used my loo!! We've not got round to dinner yet; but who knows? It wasn't therapy and it hasn't harmed the professional relationship one iota.
If she asked me to move in however; I 'might' run; but not too fast just in case I changed my mind
Besides; I think she snores!!!!
; I have a feeling I'm going to get slaughtered here!My T has already been round to my house at my invitation and it felt like a perfectly normal thing for us to do. We sat on my sofa and had a chat and a cup of tea, and she even used my loo!! We've not got round to dinner yet; but who knows? It wasn't therapy and it hasn't harmed the professional relationship one iota.
If she asked me to move in however; I 'might' run; but not too fast just in case I changed my mind
Besides; I think she snores!!!!
When mine offered me a "firemans lift" it set my heart a racing!!!!
I'd move in with my T if she cooked. She's a great cook. But she'd not be invited in to my batcave... nobody is. T2 has been here to pick up some items before. I like the context of them being in the roo hehe i know they have lives... but I also prefer having a safe place to 'go' that has a person that is unchangable.
Up until recently i would have said a resounding, shouting from the rooftops YES!!
Although I love my T in a way i've never loved anyone else before, the social thing wouldn't work. its sad because much of the time he's the dad i never had and would give anything for him to be that for me. but he is an extremely talented, dedicated, empathic and caring T and i love him for that anyway
Although I love my T in a way i've never loved anyone else before, the social thing wouldn't work. its sad because much of the time he's the dad i never had and would give anything for him to be that for me. but he is an extremely talented, dedicated, empathic and caring T and i love him for that anyway
In my fantasy I would move in with him, in reality he is too young for me!
I guess I'm bad with boundaries. I would say for certain I would have Old T over - I would have liked nothing more than if we could have just been friends. New T I'm not sure about....hmmmm....maybe that's because she has boundaries and Old T didn't???
Interesting question Poppet!
B2W
Interesting question Poppet!
B2W
quote:im asking about whether you could really cope being that close to your T.
Yes, Popps; somehow I've convinced myself I could.
quote:that if it was totally on, that you might run..why would that be? would it be too real and scary?
It would certainly be scary that's for sure; but too scary?; not so sure. I'd be well outside of my 'comfort zone' for a while no doubt, and being that close to T would be challenging. If I were to repeat old behaviours I'd move in today, but I just wonder. T's never shielded me from the realities of her situation and I know that she's been turned down by guys who considered her illness a 'liability'.
Maybe she'd agree to try it on a months approval!!
I could let T into my real life. I trust him enough and I feel healthy enough with boundaries that I think it would be cool to have an opportunity to share our mutual interests. I know of several hobbies we both love. But move in? Never. Well, 
mostly never.
This is always a little weird because my mother's 5th husband started out as her T. That all seemed to go with no issues or consequences whatsoever.
mostly never. This is always a little weird because my mother's 5th husband started out as her T. That all seemed to go with no issues or consequences whatsoever.
I would like to be friends with my T after therapy is over. I don't want her to move in with me, but I think it would be nice if she had me over for dinner sometime, or we went for a hike together maybe.
At this point, I don't want an outside relationship, though. We have to wait until therapy is good and done first.
At this point, I don't want an outside relationship, though. We have to wait until therapy is good and done first.
Poppet,
Interesting question. I've thought about this before and although at one point I thought I would like to be friends and go do things together that I've done with friends or have her over I realized how I really don't know her and I don't think she would exactly fit so no I don't want her to come over or have coffee with her or anything. It would just feel unnatural for me.
Interesting question. I've thought about this before and although at one point I thought I would like to be friends and go do things together that I've done with friends or have her over I realized how I really don't know her and I don't think she would exactly fit so no I don't want her to come over or have coffee with her or anything. It would just feel unnatural for me.
SCARS....they're never too young!!
In such a small town one would think you'd bump into ea other, but I never have. One T I saw for 12 yrs was more of a sounding board, never really got this attachment thing.
Last T @ home I had transference w/so if I would've seen him in public I'd do a 180 the other way.
Any of my T I never really got "attached" to. So what does that mean? I also don't think there was one I completely trusted either....
This pd I see now I worry about transference, so would I let him into my life? I would say yes bec I know our time is limited & I won't see him after that. I'd see him outside of T, but no on the moving in part...don't wanto think about that fantasy!
In such a small town one would think you'd bump into ea other, but I never have. One T I saw for 12 yrs was more of a sounding board, never really got this attachment thing.
Last T @ home I had transference w/so if I would've seen him in public I'd do a 180 the other way.
Any of my T I never really got "attached" to. So what does that mean? I also don't think there was one I completely trusted either....
This pd I see now I worry about transference, so would I let him into my life? I would say yes bec I know our time is limited & I won't see him after that. I'd see him outside of T, but no on the moving in part...don't wanto think about that fantasy!
Mudd, I go more for the older man!! An issue to be discussed ....
Oh yes...where's that thread?
There isn't one on the older man I don't think. Would not know where to start, to start one!!
quote:Originally posted by BLT:
I would like to be friends with my T after therapy is over. I don't want her to move in with me, but I think it would be nice if she had me over for dinner sometime, or we went for a hike together maybe.
At this point, I don't want an outside relationship, though. We have to wait until therapy is good and done first.
We've eaten together in the context of therapy, but not as a social thing at all. Just as a normal, human, hungry thing. We've picked up food outside his office (a block away) and brought it back to eat, and even walking a block together is hard right now. After therapy is over, it would be nice if we could get together once in a while. We have a lot in common (like both playing/singing in worship band at church), so there are things like that, if we ever happened to be at the same event (which we won't, he lives too far) would be nice. Mostly just things we have in common and enjoy about one another, that's what I'd like to share. The idea of having him over at my home?
quote:I go more for the older man!! An issue to be discussed
Soz!!!
Well Pops... I have an unusual relationship with my T, we are very close and do unconventional stuff together. My T visited my new house before any of our furniture or belongings were put in it and I tolerated that as we hadn't personalised it. My T recently visited my old house that did have furniture in it, but we had moved out. Both these visits were half therapy half non-therapy.
For the first visit - I didn't have any issues but for her going to my old house that was my home and I realised was my safe sanctuary and deeply meaningful for me - I had a huge amount of arguing in my head whether I should "let her in". Eventually I did because I thought that if I didn't I would have too many regrets.
Both things were the right thing to do. It has helped in therapy as T knows both houses and can relate to things I talk about.
Coming to my house for a meal - um no. I am not confident with cooking or entertaining and it would create too much anxiety for me. IF we were invited to a party or event together - yes I would do it.
My T already shares a lot about her life with me and some of the things we do are similar - but no, I wouldn't want her to be a part of my friends / community etc. I would be too self conscious. There might be an overlap of our lives coming up with regards to our children playing school sport - so we will both have to prepare for that.
I realise that my T is probably a person I would never be friends with in real life. I love her, but I realise that her normal personality is different to the people I am usually friends with.
And yeah, so what if someone said - ok tomorrow or for a week you can be friends with your T and they aren't your T anymore. Honestly, how many of us would want to last longer (ok, maybe not you AV !!!!!) as a friend to our T's. I think our idealisation of them is far greater than the reality. The reality would change us forever.
I read an article that someone posted here about T's and their normal lives. They are just normal people with everyday hassles, problems, whinging and problem children, hassles with their partners, personality flaws etc, bad habits and characteristics. But we don't want to know about that as it bursts our ideas of them being near perfect.
But, I think that I would allow T into my house while I am living in it... maybe for a coffee. We have loose plans to go beach walking or to meet up "one day". It will happen.
SD
For the first visit - I didn't have any issues but for her going to my old house that was my home and I realised was my safe sanctuary and deeply meaningful for me - I had a huge amount of arguing in my head whether I should "let her in". Eventually I did because I thought that if I didn't I would have too many regrets.
Both things were the right thing to do. It has helped in therapy as T knows both houses and can relate to things I talk about.
Coming to my house for a meal - um no. I am not confident with cooking or entertaining and it would create too much anxiety for me. IF we were invited to a party or event together - yes I would do it.
My T already shares a lot about her life with me and some of the things we do are similar - but no, I wouldn't want her to be a part of my friends / community etc. I would be too self conscious. There might be an overlap of our lives coming up with regards to our children playing school sport - so we will both have to prepare for that.
I realise that my T is probably a person I would never be friends with in real life. I love her, but I realise that her normal personality is different to the people I am usually friends with.
And yeah, so what if someone said - ok tomorrow or for a week you can be friends with your T and they aren't your T anymore. Honestly, how many of us would want to last longer (ok, maybe not you AV !!!!!) as a friend to our T's. I think our idealisation of them is far greater than the reality. The reality would change us forever.
I read an article that someone posted here about T's and their normal lives. They are just normal people with everyday hassles, problems, whinging and problem children, hassles with their partners, personality flaws etc, bad habits and characteristics. But we don't want to know about that as it bursts our ideas of them being near perfect.
But, I think that I would allow T into my house while I am living in it... maybe for a coffee. We have loose plans to go beach walking or to meet up "one day". It will happen.
SD
Sorry Poppet!That was my hi-jack not Scarzee's !!
I think my T is probably the most awesome person I have ever met. No way though does she get into my life outside the therapy room. Too much anxiety for me. Geez, I wouldn't even show her the family slideshow I made for my fathers birthday. I think she wanted to see it, so she had actual faces to go with who have talked about for so long. Maybe I'll show her someday.
(((POPPET)))
I agree with everything everyone said. When I was at the height of transference, I actually asked myself that question and realized how awkward it would be. LOL!
BUT, I would love to be given the chance to get to know slowly after therapy. Doubt it will happen but wouldn't turn it down. And, THEN, if he wanted to move in with me and I wanted him to move in with me, HECK YA!
quote:If your T actually said to you that you could move in or they will come around your house for dinner,would you actually let them do it?
I agree with everything everyone said. When I was at the height of transference, I actually asked myself that question and realized how awkward it would be. LOL!
BUT, I would love to be given the chance to get to know slowly after therapy. Doubt it will happen but wouldn't turn it down. And, THEN, if he wanted to move in with me and I wanted him to move in with me, HECK YA!
I've been avoiding posting on the thread from RT just because I didn't want to make it seem like I was bragging or trigger anybody. My T has pretty much said all the things I've wanted her to say, and it has only been beneficial to my growth. Recently she even insinuated that we could be friends 2 years after I'm not her client anymore, which was like freaking music to my ears! And I don't think it would be harmful for me at all since I already have a kind of friendship with one of my old Ts as well. Current T has already come to some of my school functions, she knows where I live, she's going to be there when I graduate next May etc. I guess because of my own story and my relationship with her it would not seem weird to have her even more involved than what she already is. Plus, I live and go to school in a small tight knit community where these kinds of relationships are encouraged, like it's normal for students to go to church and eat at their professors' houses. So in my case anyway, it really wouldn't freak me out. It used to, but as my relationship with her has grown and as I have grown and matured as a young adult, I actually look forward to when that invisible boundary counselor/client line is officially and ethically gone.
Hell no! But I'm at the point where I (my Irrational self) do my best to not even remember what happened during the session to make sure that all my boundaries are safely closed (which is not great, from a practical point of view), so... I guess, that, definitely, no.
Poppet,
I'd run and not look back for three states.
As much as I can fantasize about seeing my T outside of therapy and long for that (we've had some pretty elaborate imaginary dinners together), it has been vitally important to me that he hold the boundaries. Crossing them would have been my dad all over again. I have only been safe to have and express my feelings for him because I am so certain they could never be acted on. And considering I once dove for the floor of my car to look for a non-existent contact lens because he was taking the trash out at his office, I'm guessing having him to my house would cause a heart attack.
All that said, I would kill to be able to be in a world where therapy would still work if I knew him better. But I don't want to give up therapy with him, I need it too much.
xx AG
I'd run and not look back for three states.
As much as I can fantasize about seeing my T outside of therapy and long for that (we've had some pretty elaborate imaginary dinners together), it has been vitally important to me that he hold the boundaries. Crossing them would have been my dad all over again. I have only been safe to have and express my feelings for him because I am so certain they could never be acted on. And considering I once dove for the floor of my car to look for a non-existent contact lens because he was taking the trash out at his office, I'm guessing having him to my house would cause a heart attack. All that said, I would kill to be able to be in a world where therapy would still work if I knew him better. But I don't want to give up therapy with him, I need it too much.
xx AG
Hi Poppet, 
I should have made that a bit clearer about being out of my comfort zone! No it's not because she would get to see the 'real me' - she sees enough of that as it is
It would be more a case of me experiencing a completely different way of viewing life and living life. For example; if I was thinking of trip to LA I'd be planning it for weeks in advance; but last year T decided one weekend that she'd just go, and by the middle of the next week she was there!! Whereas I'm cautious by nature and plan for the future; T, as a result of her illness; is much more impulsive and lives for the moment and doesn't think too much about the future. It's that way of living that would have me outside my comfort zone. Even she sent me a text from LA saying SHE was out of HER comfort zone by doing that!
AV.
I should have made that a bit clearer about being out of my comfort zone! No it's not because she would get to see the 'real me' - she sees enough of that as it is
It would be more a case of me experiencing a completely different way of viewing life and living life. For example; if I was thinking of trip to LA I'd be planning it for weeks in advance; but last year T decided one weekend that she'd just go, and by the middle of the next week she was there!! Whereas I'm cautious by nature and plan for the future; T, as a result of her illness; is much more impulsive and lives for the moment and doesn't think too much about the future. It's that way of living that would have me outside my comfort zone. Even she sent me a text from LA saying SHE was out of HER comfort zone by doing that!
AV.
The eating together (though a few times it was actually CPs, only me once) was kind of excruciating. It always feels "in trouble," maybe something like exposing even such a basic need as hunger...well, needs were always massively unsafe and I learned to feel safest through meeting them all myself, keeping them invisible. One time T kept trying to offer me some plantain chips for some reason and it was literally paralyzing to even think about receiving it from him,such that even after I agreed to try it, I just held it getting all hot in my hand for several minutes. I seem to do much better if I can pay my part. Anyway, I don't really want T here, but I did think once it would be kind of nice to visit his place on a holiday or something, you know, if his family wouldn't be like, "What the heck?!" He does actually take others in like that (has two living with him and his wife), but friends, obviously, not clients...
((poppet))
Thank you for your reading and this is a very interesting thread!
So... ".what could you cope with? anything? like could you cope with her knowing where you live?"
Actually, I think I could cope quite easily with her knowing where I live, because it is admin information (well... I did "forget" to tell her my new address... ) It's more like I mustn't have any access to her: her number is not saved in my phone, neither is her mail, I usually don't write the time of the appointments or I throw the notes away immediately after the session. And I would freak out if I knew where she lived. The simple thought of it freaks me out. I have a history of very destructive transferences, so I am very very scared of being anything vaguely like attached. It might be necessary at some point, but right now, just meeting her in a different office makes me feel sick for 3 days because I don't feel "safe", because I have learned something about her. I don't know if it answers your question?
Thank you for your reading and this is a very interesting thread!
So... ".what could you cope with? anything? like could you cope with her knowing where you live?"
Actually, I think I could cope quite easily with her knowing where I live, because it is admin information (well... I did "forget" to tell her my new address... ) It's more like I mustn't have any access to her: her number is not saved in my phone, neither is her mail, I usually don't write the time of the appointments or I throw the notes away immediately after the session. And I would freak out if I knew where she lived. The simple thought of it freaks me out. I have a history of very destructive transferences, so I am very very scared of being anything vaguely like attached. It might be necessary at some point, but right now, just meeting her in a different office makes me feel sick for 3 days because I don't feel "safe", because I have learned something about her. I don't know if it answers your question?
The little girl in me desperately wants to go home with T. to be taken care of and loved. The adult me wants T. for a friend. There's no way in heck I would actually take her friendship now because I am determined to not cross boundaries and her and she holds boundaries very well. Our therapy relationship means too much to me. And, I had a previous T. cross boundaries with me that hurt me badly.
I totally get the food thing Anon, I'm extremely uncomfortable eating in front of other people than family. I have to talk myself into it. Now a bottle of wine? I'm all over that! Yes!
I know Id take in my Pdoc I see right now bec I wont see him again & willing to take big chances like that bec I know I can run far away. The only thing I can think of is like having an affair in a foreign country or a person you barely know bec I know I wont ever see them again. So I like to take those risks & live on that edge, but in real life things are pretty plebeian.
I know Id take in my Pdoc I see right now bec I wont see him again & willing to take big chances like that bec I know I can run far away. The only thing I can think of is like having an affair in a foreign country or a person you barely know bec I know I wont ever see them again. So I like to take those risks & live on that edge, but in real life things are pretty plebeian.