Hi... I am sitting here and thinking about my session today with my T and I realize that I just love talking to him. Even when I'm scared, or anxious or sad, I still love talking to him because he makes it all okay. And it's okay because he gets it and understands where these feelings come from and why I have them. I love learning from him.

He teaches me about feelings and emotions. I have a hard time describing how I feel because I am deficient in emotional kind of words. Today we discussed anger and he asked me what does anger mean and what does it tell us? Anger is a defense, a coping mechanism. Many times when we are scared, or in pain, or disappointed or frustrated we get angry. I know I do this. I was doing it this weekend. I had to face going back to the camp where oldT conducted his special camp and register my son for general camp. I had to do that on Saturday. I was so angry all day Saturday. I can see that it was a cover for my fear and pain. Can't show that to my family so I get angry. It's easier to explain. I wanted to just breakdown and cry a few times but I don't have the time or the place to indulge. Then what happens is that I get angry with myself for being unable to cope and turn the anger on myself, which over the long-term has contributed to depression (aside from all the self-loathing etc).

Then I mentioned anxiety and how I have always struggled with it. T asked me why do we get anxious, what does it mean? I was unsure so he explained that when we feel unsafe or in danger or threatened we experience anxiety as a warning to us of those situations. I told him I have felt unsafe my entire life... so no wonder I've always struggled with anxiety.

OldT never discussed any of this kind of stuff with me. He probably had no clue. We talked some more about the abandonment and the behavior of oldT and my T said he has never seen the level of cowardice he sees in oldT before. He has seen Ts who are just mean and abusive but not so cowardly. We discussed the letter he is going to write to oldT about oldT's declining my request for a last meeting and oldT's offer to "consult" with my T instead. My T does not want to meet with him. He said it would be a waste of time. I would agree.

He asked me what I wanted and why I wanted to meet with oldT and I told him that I was stuck in my grief process and I needed closure. I needed a final termination session, one where I could say what I needed to, where I could go back to the "scene" and say good-bye. To see the dog and say good bye. I told my T how important this felt for me to do. When I left my oldT's office that day in August I still had the appointment with him in September, after his vacation. I didn't know it was the last time I would be there. I didn't know he would later also terminate my son. I didn't know that I would never see that lovely sweet dog again. My son didn't know either. I got that email the night following that horrible day in August cancelling all future appointments. My T really did understand. We talked about how Ground Zero is so important to the families of people who were lost in the terror attacks, and also to those who survived that horrible day. How people just keep going back and how important it is that there is a sacred place for them to grieve there. We also talked about those who lost loved ones in Vietnam and never even got a body part back and how important the Memorial Wall has become for them. It's somewhere to go to connect with the grief, with the loss, a place to mourn and to leave mementos. My grief has been so complicated for others to understand because no one died. Part of me died. But there is no body to bury and no gravesite to sit by and to leave flowers. But my wonderful, wise and caring T understood everything. He took notes and will write up a letter for me to approve on Thursday before he sends it out. I also told him that I need for him to mention that if I cannot get the closure I need through a meeting with him (OldT) then I would be forced to take another less pleasant road for oldT in order to find the closure I need. My T said he would not use such a veiled threat and would make it plain to oldT what would happen. He is being so totally supportive of me and it feels so good to know this. I told him that I really need to close this chapter of my life because I have so much I need to talk to him about and I can't get to that until I have the closure I feel I need.

We also discussed some of my work problems and my crazy boss. My T told me that I WILL get to the point where I will stand up to my boss and he will back down. He really believes I will be strong again one day. I hope he is right. For now I just have to trust and believe in what he knows.

I still feel close to him tonight which is a really good feeling.

TN