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19 replies

I'm angry at my T ...

I incognitoMember
Or I think I'm hitting a down.

I've been feeling pretty confused the last couple of weeks. T has clearly been trying to help me express myself and get the most out of therapy. Last week, we spent the whole session talking about how we could make room for my emotions in the room as opposed to just after. He suggested I try sending him Emails about what I am thinking about. I've been feeling hopeful but worried. I hate starting to connect more or trust more for the obvious reasons for anyone who has been there (and the crazy reasons if you haven't). Christmas plans with my FOO have me stressed out and on edge.

Today I went to my weight loss doctor, who referred me to T about 7 months ago. He prescribes me an antidepressant that I have been on for a year. For the last couple of months, I have been telling him what a struggle T has been for me. He suggested I increase my dose of antidepressant. I've tried in the past and don't like the side effects (libido, sexual etc). Last month, he emailed my T while I was in is office to ask if he thought it was a good idea to increase my dose. He told me he thought it would help me not obsess over my past. Today, he told me my T said yes he thought an increase would be good for me. I've seen my T 4 or 5 times since then and he hasn't mentioned this topic at all or told me what he told my doctor.

After my appt. I left a voicemail on my T machine saying I was unhappy that he recommended that I be given more drugs without even talking to me about it. I waited all day (okay it was 6 hours) and he didn't respond in anyway. I just sent him an email telling him I was upset about the medication. I even told him that it was hard for me not to think he thought that there was something wrong with me or that I was defective when he doesn't talk to me but tells my dr "give her more drugs". I also told him I was angry he hadn't gotten back to me I didn't want to come in on Wednesday. I was careful to say I wasn't cancelling I was just letting him know I was angry and that is what I am thinking. Of course I haven't heard from him yet.

Do you think I'm overreacting? I feel like we've been working on trust and our relationship for the last couple of weeks and he didn't even mention it. I've also shared how I worry constantly about what he thinks of me and he doesn't tell me what he thinks of me or try and reassure me but he did tell me that he thinks that I need to pay more attention to what happens in the room and give less credence to what is going on in my head. Which I took to mean that I worry about things I'm imagining because he's never acted like he thinks I'm defective or crazy but now this is making me reevaluate that.
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Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
incognito,
I agree also, I would be angry with my T too. Yes, you're the patient and they're the experts, but this is your life and your health care. If they can take the time to consult with each other, they should definitely be consulting with you. And considering that you are working with trust issues, your T has no excuse to not realize that this could potentially be a problem. I would talk to him and let him know exactly how you feel.

And I get that you need to be able to take in what's happening now and that the threat of abandonment and betrayal that you're feeling may come from your past but its his job to understand that you need a lot of reassurance and he needs to exercise a lot of patience in providing it.

I've lost track of the number of times I've talked to my T about how frustrated I am about the fact that despite all his reassurance and his constant steadfast behavior, I still get worried about him leaving or betraying me. His answer was the same everytime. "It's understandable that you need reassurance, it's going to take some time until you can believe." He has just continued to reassure me when I've needed it.

Here's my typical phone call:
T: What's up?
Me: I feel scared that you're angry with me and tired of me and you're going to send me away so I needed to connect with you.
T: I am not angry, I'm not tired of you and I want to reassure you that I will not send you away. We're fine.
Me: Thank you, that's all I needed to hear.
T: You're welcome and call again if you need to.

Total time: usually around one minute, repeat at least 75 times.

That's their job. And you need the opportunity to be able to express how you're feeling, as many times as you need to, and be met with understanding. Just think of a very young child and how many times a day they need to be reassured and comforted by their mother.

AG
I incognitoMember
thanks AG and Wynne for your reality check.

My T did not get back to me and now it is night here so I won't hear from him today. I'm feeling really depressed and stupid that I started to trust him. My daughter got sick this afternoon while on a playdate and seems to have a full blown stomach flu and my son is supposed to have tubes put in on Thursday. My week is getting harder and harder. Therapy is hard enough without your real life getting difficult.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
incognito,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, stomach bugs are the WORST! It sounds like you have young children which makes dealing a little more difficult. And you're right, trying to deal with your past, especially when the present gets tough can feel really overwhelming. But you're a much stronger woman than you realize and you'll make it through. We'll all be here.

((((((((incognito))))))))))))

AG
justme 2justme 2Member
Hang in there Incognito. Remember that this is just 1 day. I am not minimizing what you are going through because its hard, very hard, but when we can accept that as bad as today may be there is still a chance that tomorrow will be better or that we will be a little stronger to handle it. Or at least that today will be over and you can go to bed and hopefully let it go for a few hours and that it doesn't have to define us.

I know you feel like you really made a mistake by trusting your T. I have felt like that many times. But we _always_ work through it. Once not to long ago I left her what I felt was an urgent message but she did not get it until the next day and assumed that the urgency was passed and decided not to call me. I was very hurt and very angry at her, but we worked it out. I am sure that you will too and that you will find there is a reasonable explanation for him not returning your call. And if not you CAN work that out. That is the amazing thing about our T realtionships. I really have been there several times. I even have a time share.

(((((Incognito)))))

JM
justme 2justme 2Member
Incognito, I hope you don’t mind that I paste a couple links from my posts. I really want you to know that you’re not alone in your frustrations and _hurt_ with your T. But I also want you to see that as hopeless as I felt each time things always worked out and the relationship was restored and it has grown so much because of it. But you also have the right to be upset, to be angry with him and to express that with him when you see him again. My T welcomes that, I am sure that yours will too as an opportunity to work out some old anger through some new triggers.

Update on Transference

Frustrated With My T

JM
openwindowsopenwindowsMember
Incognito -

I would be upset with my T too. Have you given permission for them to talk to each other? Even if you have, I would still expect my T to tell me when she's talking with my doctor about me.

I hope that today is better and that your T calls back and has a good explanation for you, or that he accepts your anger and you are able to work it out.

Hi Hummingbird! I'm new to posting here too and I think it's fine for you to jump in and join the conversation. I just posted and "Hi, and thank you" post the other day and have been overwhelmed with the welcome I have received. Welcome from another newbie!

OW
justme 2justme 2Member
Hi Hummingbird, welcome to the forum. Please feel free to jump in wherever you like to pick up the conversation or to create a thread of your own. I love hummingbirds, but we don't get to see them where I live this time of year. Feeling less alone is one of the many benefits of belonging to this community. Glad you found us. Smiler
wynnewynneMember
incognito,

I'd hate to not know why a T wasn't getting back to me. At least with Tfella I knew that it was 9-5, no weekends, if you have a crisis call this number for the T-on-call thing. Not knowing would wrack me pretty badly, I think. Frowner

Hi Hummingbird! Yup, dive right in, and welcome. Smiler Whatever you like to talk, whereever, about our stuff or yours. Nice to meet you!
I incognitoMember
Hi Hummingbird, welcome to the board. As AG, comment in old posts or start new ones whatever you prefer.

I have given them permission to discuss me in the past since the prescribing doctor is the one who referred me to T. I just thought that T would talk to me before talking to the doctor.

My T only responds between 9-5 no weekends as well so once it was evening I knew I wouldn't hear from him. Now it is lunch time here and I haven't heard anything. I've left VM and Email. Now his silence is the biggest issue. Arghh!!! I hate him and I hate myself for needing to hear from him. I don't know whether to call or Email or just show up tomorrow furious or never go back. Last time I ws mad at him I couldn't even talk the whole session.

Thanks JM for your links. I hope I can work it out but right now that seems impossible. And in my real life now both my husband and I have got the stomach bug. You would think being sick would stop me from worrying about T but I guess I'm not sick enough.
H hbshadowMember
quote:

Here's my typical phone call:
T: What's up?
Me: I feel scared that you're angry with me and tired of me and you're going to send me away so I needed to connect with you.
T: I am not angry, I'm not tired of you and I want to reassure you that I will not send you away. We're fine.
Me: Thank you, that's all I needed to hear.
T: You're welcome and call again if you need to.

Total time: usually around one minute, repeat at least 75 times.

AG


You are so fortunate to have a therapist that can and will do this for you. I am envious Smiler
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi HBShadow,
I have a REALLY incredible T. He has 30 years of experience and a very deep understanding of attachment issues. He completely understands why I would need to contact him and considers it necessary to my healing that I learn to do so. I went through almost a year and a half of him telling me I could call or email at the end of every session, phone call and email.

I once thanked him for not having a personal life, but he assured me that he was really comfortable setting any boundaries he needed to and that made him comfortable allowing that kind of access. He even allows me to contact him on vacation as long as he has phone and/or email access.

I deeply, deeply appreciate that he allows me that kind of access and it has been a big part of why I have done so much healing with him.

AG

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