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8 replies

i'm angry at myself, at T, at the universe

I incognitoMember
I'm going to rant about my session tonight. Please ignore it if you are tired of hearing me complain and not change things, I understand completely I certainly am. I'm just so angry I can't sleep and I really need to so I'm trying to vent.

My session tonight went pretty well in the sense that I didn't cry and we spoke pretty easily for 55 minutes only sitting in silence for the last 5 but the problem was we weren't talking about the right thing. I started with an update on a big family party that is going on this saturday and that led to one story after another about my dysfunctional family, my damaged siblings, etc. I tried to change the subject and stopped bringing up new stories but he kept going on about it. I think he finds my family more interesting than me.

Last week near the end of the session I talked to T about him sitting beside me and possible touching my arm or shoulder like my friend has done near the end. During my first session of the week T asked me how it would work if we changed seats and whether I would feel more alone if we couldn't make eye contact. He didn't mention touch and I felt like he was avoiding it and felt really shut down. When he switched to another topic I still had trouble engaging in the conversation because of that shut down.

Afterwards I sent him an email talking about the session (which is usual for me)and in the second paragraph I told him that I thought what I was really looking for was the feeling of being comforted and cared for because that is how I felt when my friend touched me. He responded to the rest of the email and not that paragraph. I sent him a followup email saying I understood why he didn't respond to it but I wanted him to know it was really important to me and I was struggling to find a way to talk about it.

Tonight he doesn't mention either email or the topic. Even when I tell him I want to change the subject he doesn't. I tried to say something and didn't (felt like I couldn't when I opened my mouth nothing came out). Eventually I said it was my fault I should have brought it up earlier because I need more time. No comment from him. I started to pack up and he said he thought what we talked about was important. I said I disagreed and we said goodnight. I cried for about 20 minutes in my car before I drove home.

I wanted to tell him I wasn't coming back or write him an email telling him how angry I was and how I thought he was avoiding the subject because he didn't want to talk about. I think it is because he doesn't want to draw the line saying he won't touch but who knows. Instead I wrote him and asked him if he had any sessions tomorrow or friday so I could see him before my big family party this weekend and maybe get some of this off my chest. Even when I act reasonably I don't feel reasonable. I can't sleep. I'm either crying because I feel so sad or I'm furious that I'm such a chicken or I'm angry at T and never want to go back and wish I hadn't written asking for an extra appointment because I'm sure he will be dreading that and I've just given him another opportunity to reject me.

I wonder how long I'm going to band my head against the brick wall that therapy is for me.
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
I started with an update on a big family party that is going on this saturday and that led to one story after another about my dysfunctional family, my damaged siblings, etc. I tried to change the subject and stopped bringing up new stories but he kept going on about it. I think he finds my family more interesting than me.


hi incognito... I was just about to go to sleep when I saw this post. I think that it's important to recognize that your family is not more interesting than you are but it is part of your life and your history and why you are struggling with certain aspects of your life now and perhaps T was taking in this information and processing it in a way he can use to help you further. I think that whenever we reveal any part of us a good T is taking in the information to give them a better idea of who we are and how we got to be this way. So, in my opinion, it was really important stuff that you shared with your T today. It may not have been what you expected to share to discuss but nevertheless it was a good thing to do.

About the whole touch issue... I'm with you in the same struggle. It's agonizing and most times I'm not sure what I really want from my T. A good friend told me that it's not WHAT I want it's what I have missed out on in my childhood that has me feeling so twisted up inside about the touch in therapy issue. I do think your T has a good point in asked if you would feel alone if you could not have any eye contact. I have often thought of asking my T to sit next to me to be closer but if I lose the eye contact it will make things worse for me I know that. And so, I think what he DOES do when he wheels himself in closer to me really works well for us because I feel safer. Maybe you can instead ask your T to stay opposite you but move in closer (touching distance).

It was good that you asked for the extra session. I hope you see that as a good thing you did and if he cannot fit you in I hope you realize it's because of his schedule and not because he is sick of you or upset with you. I have to keep reminding myself of the same things, like when I got my second session bumped because tomorrow is Thanksgiving in the US and he didn't bother to mention it to me or try to fit me in on another day. So... I called him today and told him and I needed to know if we were okay. I told him I was worried that we had that disruption and we were disconnected. He said something really good to me... he said that what I see as a disruption he sees as stuff that is supposed to happen in therapy. He just made it all seem so normal and almost GOOD LOL. And I feel so much better now.

I hope you can see or talk to your T again before the family party so you can feel the care and connection and that will give you the power you need to get through the weekend.

Thinking of you and hoping you can be kind to yourself. You are working very hard in your therapy.


TN
lamplighterlamplighterMember
(((( Incognito ))))

I totally sympathize with the brick wall head banging feeling

Have to say (considering I’m feeling very much the same way about therapy and my T at the moment) that you have real guts and staying power and determination to keep on going, session after session, despite the anger and the pain and the urge to quit regularly. You’re an inspiration, if you can keep doing, so can I!

I also really sympathize with the whole crappy scenario of having something important that you’ve been needing to talk about, bringing it up in various ways only to feel stonewalled, dismissed, and ignored. It sounds like your T is either oblivious of how important the issue of touch is to you (and therefore not picking up on it in your email nor giving you the opportunity to bring it up in session) or he’s leaving all the onus on you to bring it up point blank yourself. If you yourself started straight in with talking about your family set up it’s possible that whatever thoughts he might have had about the touch issue were set aside because he would have gone along with what you began talking about. And might have read your attempts to change the subject as avoiding it? I guess I’m thinking the obvious here and that is that had you point blank stated, I want to talk about touch in therapy, he would have addressed it.

But that’s easy for me to say, I know only too well how with a really scary issue the time, the feel, the T’s attitude all combine to make it really difficult to bring up something that’s emotionally fraught (in this case, amongst other things, the possibility of a no.)

I’m really sorry that therapy at the moment seems like a constant battle with T and that you’re going through all these ghastly feelings as a result. For what it’s worth I really understand the anger and the frustration and the way it ends up back on your own head.

I so hope you hear back from him soon and that you get that extra appointment. Fingers crossed for you.

Sending big hugs to you Incognito

LL
I incognitoMember
Thanks everybody for the support. My T responded this morning and offered me a session tomorrow afternoon. I have to leave work early but I think it is important. I hope I can express some of anger and frustration.

TN, isn't it odd that I can get all worked up about touch and I am like you and not sure what I want. I would like to be able to discuss what it means to me more than discuss what T is willing to offer. I made of list of some of the things I felt with my friend that I would like to feel in therapy, things like feeling accepted, supported and not repulsive.

DF, I know I think that my T doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want to have to say no and if I don't ask he won't have to answer and I won't feel rejected but it doesn't work because I think him avoiding the subject leaves me feeling rejected. I sometimes wish I had another T and after my session I nearly contacted the woman T I saw for a consult about 2 months ago but I decided I should try and work it out with my T first. Now I have another opportunity tomorrow.

LL, I am grateful that you took the time to write even when you are struggling. I know how painful it is to feel uninteresting to your T. I hope your next session goes better. I am sure you are right that my T thought he was following my lead on the stories about my family but it is so frustrating because sometimes he will bring up the email even after he has responded to it and sometimes he doesn't mention it at all.

Hugs to you all.
sdsdMember
Hey Incognito.

this was me a few weeks ago. I felt like i was giving more than T to our 'relationship'. She wanted me to email and tell her things, but she never read them, nor referred to them ever.

We would get to session and they didnt have direction and we would speak about topics that seemed important on the day. I increasingly got so frustrated and cancelled my session and was 99% i wasnt going back. I wrote out all my issues - all 25 of them. They centred around T not being present, being tired in session, not reading mails, i was not able to attach with her - me never knowing 'where' she was, her being inconsistent.

After a couple of weeks I emailed and told her I hated her and wasn't going back. she invited me back so we could talk about it. i went thru my issues and we came out of it in the MOST perfect way.

I laid it on the line and she agreed with everything. She has changed so much - she is now super consistent, super available, super worthy of my attachment. She is reading emails consistently. I feel she is there for me.

We have had indepth discussions on attachment and what she can provide. NOt only is she saying the most perfect things about attachment and what she can do for me - she is actually DOING it.

the main thing - and I am getting to my point. T said that she was frustrated also because I have so much going on that needs to be addressed, she was feeling stressed that she only had 50 minutes and she felt pressured as she didnt know what to discuss and prioritise. So we decided that each session we would both agree to the agenda for the day. This way we have the same priorities. This is working well and we are both less frustrated.

We start off with some mindfulness to bring both of us into the room. This also helped.
T also has been making notes from my emails and she brings the issues that she thinks are important into therapy. This makes me feel listened to.

This has been an amazing turnaround for me.
I incognitoMember
Thanks SD, Liese, and TN for your support.

My session today went better but was very painful. I managed to tell T why I was angry with him and how I felt he was avoiding the subject. T listened and told me he understood why I felt that way and admitted some of what I said was true. I even managed to admit that I wanted to feel supported and comforted in therapy and I didn't know what would do that. T corrected that to pointing out that I felt that sometimes and I wanted to feel it more reliably. I think we have just started this discussion and we will be talking about it more. I'm really tired and the session is a little confused right now but it was a relief to be heard and to really feel T's acceptance.

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