FF - I'm here with you. Can you talk about some of the wrong decisions that you feel are so self-defeating? Do you think that would be helpful?

Or can you call T? Make a choice to be healthy even if you feel like staying miserable is easier? Just check in? Maybe make an appointment?

If you could have one thing that would make you less miserable, what do you think it would be? Can you imagine what would make you feel better? I am feeling so much like I want to take care of you when I read how you are feeling...and I'm sorry that being anonymous and far away means there isn't much I can do. But, maybe if you can imagine yourself having what will make you want to reach out for the care you need (and I will be wishing and praying it for you too!), it might become easier to make that choice. It's OK to need and have nothing to offer in exchange. I know it's a very vulnerable place to be, but I'm so glad you feel safe enough here to do it. Sorry if my post doesn't make sense. I'm having trouble staying with myself today, but I'm here for you!!!

Thanks, yaku, I don't know what's wrong with me O rI do, but, I don't know. Gah.

I know it'd be helpful to talk about what's going on, to talk about wrong decisions, to talk about anything at all other than sit here and think in circles.. but I have no one to talk to

And I want to make a T appointment but I have to wait until tomorrow because today is my T's day off and I'm supposed to wait until next week for an appointment. I don't really count on her, I don't know, sometimes I think being on here makes me worse at therapy because I start wanting more from my T than she is willing to give, and I used to be so careful about guessing at her boundaries, but now I just want to push them.

I would be less miserable if I had someone here with me, someone who would understand that I'm just sad tonight but not forever, someone who would love me if they knew this part of me and could realize this isn't just ALL of me. And I'd be less miserable if I could just connect with someone, and maybe if eventually I made better choices for myself, but I find myself stuck because I just want someone to care more than I want to make the "right" decisions.

I use to be this huge perfectionist and I did everything perfectly and the whole time people told me I was SOOOOO perfect (resentfully or kindly or mockingly, it varied) but the whole time I felt like I was slipping and sinking. And I never learned how to cope with that feeling. And here I am, I still feel that way

I'm sorry, I'm just totally ranting, this is so ridiculous, I just really appreciate everyone here and I know I won't respond appropriately no matter what I do, but thank you so much. Thank you.

quote:

I use to be this huge perfectionist and I did everything perfectly and the whole time people told me I was SOOOOO perfect (resentfully or kindly or mockingly, it varied) but the whole time I felt like I was slipping and sinking. And I never learned how to cope with that feeling. And here I am, I still feel that way Frowner

I know this feeling. It can truly be exhausting. No wonder you are ready to surrender to defeat, to just let things be broken. I know if it were me, I could not say this, but is there anything so wrong with just wanting someone to care? Sometimes it is difficult to care about or for ourselves. Sometimes, having someone do that for us gives us permission or the rest we need. I sincerely doubt very many people are 100% gungho about making the right decisions just for the sake of being a healthy, well-adjusted person. We all have internal conflicts...parts of us that just couldn't give a $#!+ and they want what they want. It doesn't have to negate the rest of our "self" that we have those feelings inside. It does not somehow make us "less" just because we have parts that are broken or struggling to care. I wish I could be there moreso...but you are absolutely acceptable and lovable as you are, even if you don't have it in you to live up to the "shoulds" that your mind is churning out right now. ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

Thank you, yaku. It feels good to read your response. I guess I do feel like, yeah, I'm ready to surrender to defeat, I fought for so long, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and where did it get me? Well, here. And... "here" isn't all that great. "Here" is actually pretty intensely, albeit sporadically, dysfunctional. And.. you're right. I'm looking for permission to accept care, permission to just rest. To rest. Thanks for just letting me be me. I'll get there someday, myself, maybe =/

You don't have to be here for us right now FF, but we can still be here for you. And we are.

I understand what it feels like to question whether you are truly not stuck, and instead in a state of perpetual misery. I know what it's like to feel like you have no one to talk to - I had a 5 day period when all four of my support people, including my T, were out of town. It was the worst weekend ever. This forum was a huge help!

No need to apologize, we've all been in the ranting, rambling, unloading place before. (And actually, your unloading post was a heck of a lot shorter than mine have been!!)

We're here for you, we'll listen, post any time... and whether you can count on your T or not, it is worth giving her a call.

One last note - I also sometimes question whether this forum is helping my therapy or not. My T doesn't do a lot of the things mentioned here - no hugs, no emails, texts, check-ins, and it kind of hurt to read for a little while, of all those who's Ts do all that. But you know what? My T does for me exactly what I need. And even with out the emails, texts, and hugs, I love her!

(((((Firefly))))

FF - The first thing you need to do is BREATHE! I know it's corny but it does help a little. I'm not in such a great place right now but I swear, I could have written what you wrote. So much so that my heart was racing with your thoughts! I hope you can try and relax a little and then maybe call your T.

Smiley