**Possibly triggering due to weight/eating disorder related content***


T1 (who I do phone therapy with and who hasn't seen me since 1997/98ish) told me today that I am supposed to weigh 20 pounds less than what I currently do.

I was pretty quiet as she said this. I know she was just referring to a height and weight chart but still, it sort of stung a little to hear her say that I SHOULD weigh 20 pounds less than what I do.

On the flip side, I have T2 telling me that I should only work on losing ounces, not pounds and not be worried about achieving a particular weight, but instead just lose slowly and really pay attention to how I feel about myself and not worry about what the scale says. It feels so much better to hear that sort of thing than to hear, "You are only 20 pounds overweight".

anyway, I think T1 regretted saying that to me because she said, "I hate that I cannot see you right now. You are very quiet. I know this is a sensitive topic and here we are at the end of a session again ending with a sensitive topic. What are you thinking?"

and I said, "Should we schedule our next appointment?" and she said, "Oh no! You are changing the topic!" and I said, "I don't want to talk about this anymore". She said, "That's what I was afraid of. I was trying to be positive and encouraging saying that you don't need to lose more than 20 pounds, that 20 pounds is not that much overweight...all you have to do is some regular exercise, nothing extreme".

and i said, "Yeah, I know".

and then we schduled an appoitnment. She asked me if I would text her later if she had said anything that stirred up some emotions in me. I said sure.

Then we got off the phone. A few mins later I got a text from her saying, "Will you text me and let me know what your plans are for the day?I'll check back in an hour". I think she is asking that because since I only work part-time right now, I have a lot of free time on my hands which can be very bad for an eating disorder. I thinks he knows she stirred something up in me and perhaps made a mistake in telling me how much weight I NEED to lose in order to be considered, "Normal".

I am torn between wanting to comfort her and say, "Hey, no big deal, I'm fine, no need to worry" versus wanting to be true to myself and tell her that it did upset me to hear that and that it was embarrassing for me to hear that, even though she was very sensitive in how she said it. I do prefer honesty over lying, so if she thinks I need to lose 20 pounds, okay...I suppose that's what I would prefer to hear rather than, "you are fine the way you are" if she doesn't really mean that. I guess Im just wishing she didn't think I need to lose 20 pounds. But she does. and I am embarrassed.

Sorry this is so long and rambling. I'm just really stirred up right now.