Wisdom

Your life is so precious!
Your love is needed -- you are needed.
Now is the time to love the hell out of yourself -- I sincerely believe in the mind-body connection, and just like medical treatment, love heals ALL disease. The fight has begun, and you have the guts to win.

Have you ever heard of Louise Hay?

Wisdom

Sorry things are so rough for you right now. Thursday probably seems so far away.

You're in my thoughts.

catgirl

quote:

I just want it to be done with........ I have been tearing into everyone..... angry. I'm not fitting in. I'm paranoid at times and I walked out of my house last night and didn't return for 5 hours. I sat on a cliff at the ocean watching the water/tide crash against the cliff. I was sprayed with water each time.....

I didn't have the guts to jump... tho I did do some imagery. It brought me some peace. I went back home after the 5 hours...

(((Wisdom))

I am so sorry you are going through this. When I read this part that I quoted above it was sort of relief because I too have been the samw way. I fly off the handle very easily right now. Could it be fear that has us this way? I feel like I am fighting against the world right now. When people interact with me I feel that it is an invasion. I can't seem to find any peace except occassionally with my pet animals. They don't trigger these sorts of reactions in me.

I wonder what this is? Does anyone know? Is it grief? Fear? What? All I can say is it is MISERABLE and my heart goes out to you too Wisdom. I will keep you in my thoughts and I am so glad you didn't jump but sorry you felt bad enough to consider it.

Jo

quote:

I wonder what this is? Does anyone know? Is it grief? Fear? What? All I can say is it is MISERABLE and my heart goes out to you too Wisdom. I will keep you in my thoughts and I am so glad you didn't jump but sorry you felt bad enough to consider it.

Jo

I think it's overwhelm. It's all those things you mentioned. I can't deal with people when I am in any kind of crisis...but it is especially hard to be around people who are physically well and cannot understand what is freaking me out. Facing death is a weird place to be....especially when you have tried to take your own life or had someone else threaten to take it away. I experience self blame, shame and some kind of feeling that I deserve this and am being punished.
Trying to deal with all my physical stuff along with the mental health issues. WOW... It's hard to do both at the same time. Dealing with physical health issues always supersedes mental health issues. It has to be that way...you have to stay alive so that you can recover from your traumas right?

Isn't life a weird paradox? It reminds me of Alanis Morissette's song....Ironic. eh?

SD

Wisdom,

My thoughts and wishes are with you today. I can't seem to add anything more, so I'll just post part of a poem that I really like, especially when I'm suffering. It's 'Morning Poem' by Mary Oliver.

...
And if your spirit
carries within it

the thorn
that is heavier than lead ---
if it's all you can do
to keep on trudging ---

there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted ---

each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
lavishly,
every morning,

whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.

Thursday can't come soon enough. But then again I don't want it to come at all. I see my therapist tomorrow.

I experienced a forbidden peace while sitting on the cliff...........The waves, wind, seagulls, sounds, jagged rocks, water spray. I sat on the edge of the earth and became part of what was in front of me.

I'm tired. I'll visit later...

Wiz

Wisdom,

Hang in there! I was diagnosed with cancer a year ago this month. The waiting is horrible. I had to wait a month for the biopsy, then four excruciating days for the results, then a week to meet the surgeon, over a week to get a surgery date, etc. I thought I was going to give myself a heart attack. I'm young too, so I ain't kidding around here!

When the suspicious mass was identified, Dr. X told me he didn't think it was anything. To this day I am still not sure if he really meant that or was trying not to scare me. But I knew. I saw it on the ultrasound and it had a blood supply. Even though I was sure, I was paralyzed with fear when he called to tell me. I thought I was prepared and I wasn't.

The best advice I can offer you is to accept the help of those who want to help, even if you think you are strong enough to handle it on your own. And if you need help, ask for it. I have the typical British stiff upper lip and pushed everyone away. I'm suffering from the effects of that still. Make sure you trust your doctors. If you get that nagging feeling that something is wrong with your care, DON'T IGNORE IT!!!

FWIW, four months before I went in for that appointment, I too had a feeling that something was very wrong with me.

I'm wishing you the best.

SG

Thanks everyone. What you all said is very important. You don't realize just how much....

Anyone ever try to scream as loud as they can while alone......... with no one listening? It's very hard to let go and scream freely. We are so conditioned to not expose that vunerable part.

A blood curdling scream........... A primal scream. Give it a try. It's a difficult thing

Gal, did you have breast cancer?

Namaste'
Wiz

No blood curdling scream from me, but instead there were horrific, high-pitched cries coming out as I sobbed. With Dr. X listening on the other end of the phone in my hand.

I did not have breast cancer; I had thyroid. It is a little bit of a different animal. Still scary, as all cancer is, but known to be incredibly curable.

SG

Cancer is cancer. No matter the location or to what ever degree.

I hope you have regular checks. I'm sure you do. Did you have chemo or radiation? UGH. How long ago was this?

Wiz

Wisdom,
I had it just a year ago this month. I did not have radiation thanks to changing guidelines!

I am in the process of doing follow-up. Dr. X says I am cured but I don't agree. It makes me nervous when he says that.

SG