Yaku - you are having such a hard time. I don't really know what to say, except that I hear how hard it is and I hear how difficult it is. What would help right now? What do you really need? What feelings are underneath all this hopelessness?
|I send hugs. The chorus of dogs have started outside my window and it is quite funny really how they sleep all day and bark all night. They sound so happy barking and it really does feel like a choir of dogs, such fun really

Thanks, Sadly. I feel stupid for struggling so much lately. Honestly, I want to go somewhere and just be taken care of. I don't feel like I can do it for myself and it's literally all I can do this morning to be "Mommy." She's all that's keeping me going right now. If it weren't for her...ugh, I hate where my brain keeps going. I need help, but I don't know what I need or who can give it to me or if some part of me is just determined to break into tiny pieces...so I told T I messed up and that I was going to try to go silent. My pastor is praying over my generic struggles. When my H gets home, I will ask him to take care of our daughter. But, where is the person who is going to take care of me? I'm so selfish for thinking in this way and I hate it. I feel like I'm going to break...and I don't even care. It feels better than having to work this hard all the time. WTF is wrong with me?

Failed at silence and texted T again about how I was feeling throughout the morning including being very direct about thoughts popping in my head, which I usually am not. No response, not that I'm expecting one, but any time I am that open about these sensitive feelings, I project his judgment. H came home from his church group and I was curled on the couch, depressed. I asked him if I could go rest and he said, "Yeah," a bit tired sounding, so I said, "Are you sure?" and he said "Yes!"

So I went and slept...and had horrible dreams again. I had three nightmares about sleeping in bed, H coming in angry that I was ignoring him and our daughter, and berating me. Then I woke up to H coming in angry that I was ignoring him and my daughter and saying how when he got depressed, he still had to go to work and do his job and how unfair it was for me to get away with not doing mine (i.e. taking care of our daughter). I tried to remind him the various ways I had tried to be there for him while he was depressed and then he said he wished I had just left him last year, since I obviously don't want to be with him. He's depressed about stuff with my family from last night's birthday party, so I'm trying really hard to not take it personally. But now, he is reiterating that message (which he does pretty often) that my needs don't warrant the help I'm asking for, that the things I do for him and our child are not good enough. Sometimes, he is like a slightly nicer, much saner version of my mom.

So now, I'm depressed, but feeling like I have to fake my way through it, can't rest like I need, and feeling guilty for not being there for my H, who is hurting so much too, or my daughter, who had all her letters and their sounds memorized at 20 months and now is forgetting some of them at 2.5, because I don't engage with her as much as I used to. I keep having horrible thoughts like a barrage in my skull and a selfish part of me just wants to cave into them, to show everyone how broken I am, so I can "earn" the rest that no one thinks I deserve, because I somehow keep managing to fake having it all together.

((((Yaku)))))

I'm sorry you are struggling today. Is it nice outside where you live? Maybe you can walk down to the 7/11 and get some fresh air, even if its just for a few mins.

I walked down and got some much-needed caffeine. Thanks, LG. I just need to find a way to get over myself. I wish I could text T that I quit and have him not get the text. It would make me feel better to quit on him right now, to let him know that this process is hurting me so much I want to never see him again (and then still see him on Monday, because it feels like I can't live without my therapy time right now).

(((((Yaku)))))

Thinking of you in these rough moments. I second what LG said - maybe you can put your daughter in the stroller and go out for a nice walk? The exercise always energizes me a bit.

Thanks, R2G. Kiddo is (hopefully) going down for a nap, so I'm going to try to get a long bath, maybe sleep some more, if she does fall asleep.

Yaku,

I'm curious to explore your comment about wanting to text him that you quit but not have him get it. What is it about doing this that would bring you comfort? The ability to know that you can quit any time you want? To remind yourself that you are not trapped? Just curious as I found that comment interesting.

Again,I am sorry you are having a rough time today.

I don't know, to get out my anger about what therapy is doing to me. To not have to think about how much Monday night when I leave his office is going to hurt and so be miserable for the next 2.5 days. Then, to realize Monday around 6:00 pm that he hadn't got the text and go and show up and see him and do the work we need to do, because if we don't, I will never heal. I just don't want to think about T or therapy for all the days in between when I see and talk to him. It's exhausting to have my attachment stuff with him on top of trauma stuff and remembering all this childhood BS that all of a sudden seems so heavy.

(((Yaku)))

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much.

I don't really have any input or advice. I have done the same thing DF does mentally. I have even done it litterally. I have a litteral box, and will even write stuff down, even on scrap paper or type and print it, and put it in the box, and somehow it helps sometimes. It's like then my mind doesn't have to keep reminding me. It's in the box for when it is time and I am in a better place to deal with it and can be more effective. It doesn't always work, and sometimes all it does is keeps me from "spinning" worse (which is how I call what I do) about something.

I really struggle with attachment stuff too. Sometimes it gets to a point for me where I I take breaks from therapy, for like a week or two. (This is not anything I would advise anyone else to nessecarily do.) It's painful and hard, because usually I feel really needy and yet also unable to handle feeling attached to my T, and like I am about to just implode or explode or something, when I get to the point of doing this. I put myself like on a therapy vacation, and then do everything I can to really take a "vacation" from it. Of course it all still comes to mind, but I tell myself over and over, I will sort it out after my "therapy vacation." (Therapy is work and I take vacations from my job.) Then when the vacation is over, just like a vacation from my job, it somehow makes it easier to hjump back into the work of therapy. It somehow makes it easier to handle the attachment. It is terribly hard. (I'm not sure it's a good idea to take therapy vacations so I'm not really recommending it.) My T is supportive of it when I say I need to do it, because she has learned it is how I manage the attachment and keep myself from getting too overwhelmed. I have felt the need to step back before, and then haven't and then self destructed in anger towards myself and my T.

My whole point is that therapy IS a lot of hard work. You have been really dealing with a lot with family and just even not getting any good solid sleep wears people out.

This is just a thought, and you can totally disregard it, but what if you spent some time with your T just working on "containment"? When doing trauma work, it is often very important to pace out the work. It is hard to do because the unresolved trauma hurts like hell. However, sometimes, going through a lot at once ends up being too much. Yes, it is very important to do the work about the trauma, but sometimes, doing too much too fast can end up just being something that backfires a bit. Part of the work is also learning how to "put it away" (which is something I am terrible at and still learning myself). By "put away," I don't mean repress or numb out. By "it" I mean all kinds of things - including the feelings about the trauma, feelings that come up with processing, and all the mixed up stuff that comes with attachment with our Ts. I have no idea if this fits for you at all or not.

I wish I had any input that would help lift the pain and heaviness you are enduring. I hope you are able to find some peace and rest. (and maybe some space to slow down in one way or another if that would help?) and I hope this heaviness lifts soon.

hang in there,
~ jd

Thanks, DF and Jane, for your suggestions.

I do like the idea of putting my attachment stress in a box and then dealing with it later. In fact, I told myself just last night that I was going to put away T for the weekend...but it didn't work out so well. My problem recently is that everything is triggering something. A lot of it is waking up from horrible nightmares, some realistic, some really far out there. So, stuff is coming up all the time, and my natural reaction is one of a little child who screams, "Mom...Dad, there's a monster under my bed!" Except, my mom was always gone every night (and barely "there" during the days) when I was little, and my dad would see me being scared as there something being wrong with me, as if I was bad or stupid for needing reassurance. So, now T is the good dad and when I see monsters, my natural reaction is to call out to him.

I do think it would be a good idea to slow down like T is desperately trying to get me to do. I don't think he is the one driving this machine, it is really me. That's what my homework stuff was about. My problem is, if I just leave all this stuff alone and don't try to process it as it surfaces, they it comes out even worse at night. Right now, I am at least able to sleep, although having nightmares constantly. When I was trying to slow my processing, I was laying awake for (no lie) periods of three hours or more (either all at once or combined) with my thoughts spinning inside my head and no way to shut them up. So, I really do need a technique for that, but having tried a variety of things, nothing except writing out my thoughts seems to work. The catch 22 is that if I write out my thoughts, I stumble upon new hurts while I am exploring. I feel like I'm trying to drive a race car in a traffic jam right now.

I thought of taking a vacation and have "threatened" one before, but my fear is...I won't go back. Also, T said if I do take a break, he absolutely expects me to keep contacting him (preferably text) about any harm/death thoughts. Obviously, of course he has to say that and moreover, I think he genuinely cares and wants me safe. But, my on/off brain cannot have that outlet if I am trying to calm down my attachment. I need to be completely cut off. I think the reality of this all is:

1. I need to come up with a strategy for what to do when H and I are both struggling, because we just seem to step on each other's landmines when we're both activated on our own stuff.

2. I need to find someone I trust to take my daughter, even just once a week, and go do some adult-type thing that has no relation to therapy. This usually involves asking my H if I can take time away from him and he can take care of our daughter, both of which do not go over well. I'm supposed to get back in the drumming rotation at church, so that would help.

3. I need my sister to move out soon. I love her. She is trying her best to be helpful around here, but what I need is not a dishwasher. I need to not be HER therapist while I am working through this stuff. And the main reason is her narrative of our past changes every single day. Depending on what is going on in her life, my mom was a saint who did the best she could in horrible circumstances or my mom is a demonic lunatic, who abused and neglected us all (but of course, my sister had "the worst" of it). One moment, she is ready to go back to her abusive boyfriend, the next moment he's a complete d-bag and she's happy to be rid of him. I get that she's splitting, but it's very confusing to me as someone who is used to basing their identity off of other people. Also, her claims on my time (so she can make money, which I know she needs) are getting more aggressive and I just don't have the energy for it right now. It is making it hard for me to be the mom I need to be, because I am caretaking my sister, my nephew (and sometimes my H) and it is my daughter who is losing out right now, which isn't fair!

4. I may need to leave my bedroom, once my sister goes. The experiences there are too triggering right now, but H will be pissed and hurt and I don't know that I can do what I know is best for me when I see it hurting him.

5. I need to see the doctor. I need my extra-special triggering exam, for one thing. My hormone levels are (most likely) all over the place. My insomnia, nightmares, anxiety, depression, self-destructive thoughts are enough to warrant me at least considering asking a professional if I should perhaps be taking something to help with one or all of these problems. H is opposed, so it will be hard for me to do it (my permission-needing stuff).


So, that is my plan of action...and I will now proceed to do absolutely nothing about it, because of all of these things involve taking away from people who they are used to me giving and standing up for myself in a way I don't think I'm capable of right now. Sigh. Thanks for all your input and for reading. I feel so stupid, like my problems are not enough to warrant all these feelings I'm having. Honestly, I survived, I got an education, I have a marriage and a kid...obviously, my childhood couldn't have been that bad. I feel this deep resistance to the abuse and neglect meaning anything. And then POW a fragment of long-forgotten memory (or just feeling about a memory) will puncture my resistance and I'm writhing on the floor wondering which reality to believe in.

No, it's not off. I guess, I just want someone to come along side me while I take the step, but due to my completely refusing to need pretty much anyone for my entire life, I have surrounded myself with family and friends who have so much on their plates (so that I can help them) that I don't have someone to fill that role. T kind of can, but it's not like I can have him go to the doctor with me to discuss meds or anything. I have people who can pray for me and advise me, but I feel like I need some hand-holding...and then I get angry both for needing it and for setting up my life in such deprivation to protect myself.

Gosh - so much going on Yaku - and such a lot of mind ruminating trying to solve it. I know that we think we can think our way out of things, - it is how we have learnt to cope, but sometimes a break is just the thing. Can you do something really different right now? A movie? A dinner with a friend? Swimming? Arrange childcare and go and do something to take your mind OFF all of this? I know I would get mad if people suggested this to me, as I always thought that I needed to keep working at it, but sometimes NOT having it all in the forefront actually means that some unexpected shift or insight comes - and we get a break so don't feel so worn out.

I might be saying the wrong thing here - but it so sounds like a change of scene, - parking it all for a bit, would help. I am only saying this cos I am trying to say something useful.

I care that it is so hard. So much going on for you. Hugs from the Himalayas!

I joined Easter Choir and our first practice was today, so that took my mind off things a bit. But H was very angry and pissy that I am taking on more outside activities while not accomplishing my "job" at home (meaning I'm not keeping as up-to-date with chores and not doing as well with our daughter as either of us would like. It's like I can't win for trying. Blah!