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2 replies

I'm Losing My Mind

R redhead51Member
I was really pretty stable before I went into psychotherapy and now I am all f**ked up! My moods are all over the place and these feelings are coming out and I don't know what to do or how to handle them. My T is a male and I've been going since last Oct. He took off almost the whole month of August for vacation and I assured him I would be okay. I wasn't okay - I almost fell apart. I had an attachment problem from childhood sexual abuse from my father and my mother never bonding with me. I was starting to form an attachment with my T when he left for a month. I've seen him once since he got back and I told him I wanted to leave. I always cut and run when I start to attach to someone. I'm going to force myself to go back tomorrow night and see how it goes. I've tried to leave him several times and we've worked through it. However, to complicate matters, I have intense feelings of love and sexual desire for him. It's like a compulsion that I have trouble controlling. I want to be with him and be close to him and he is maintaining boundaries and I am SO frustrated I can hardly stand it. It's triggering feelings of intense rejection in me by my mother. I want him to love me, too, and I want to show him how much I love him. He says it's not possible, but he doesn't let me talk about my feelings for him - he changes the subject or says time's up or ignores my comments when I try to tell him how I feel about him. I feel like I'm going to explode. I must also mention that I am married to a porn-addicted sex addict who has cheated on me ever since we got married. I evidentally married a man who could not attach (unknowingly). I've been in therapy since I was 33 on and off but never in psychotherapy - it was always CBT and it didn't work. This is working, but I these feelings coming out are almost more than I can bear. Has anyone had this same experience? I desperately want my T to break his boundaries and tell me he loves me and have make love with me. I don't understand why I feel this way because one day I was fine and the next day I was telling him I loved him. I know these feelings are real and they are so intense. I have never been in love before. Redhead
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Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi Redhead,
Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry for the stress that your in, but you've found the right place. A lot of people here struggle with the same feelings. You're not crazy, it's just that old unmet needs are roaring to the forefront as you move closer to your T.

I have a very similar background. I was sexually abused by my dad, and my mother was pretty disconnected. And I had/have intensely strong feelings about my T. However, unlike yours, mine was quite willing to talk about those feelings, although it was also made very clear that those feelings would not be returned or acted upon. Something which I sometimes hated and was quite frustrated by, but have eventually come to be very grateful for.

I've written extensively (ok, compulsively and at great length would describe it better Big Grin) on the subject as I've worked through these feelings (I'm actually going to leave therapy in a few more weeks) so I'm going to post a bunch of links below with threads I think you'd be interested in reading. Hopefully, the info in these threads will help you to understand what you're going through.

This is not to say you can't ask questions and please feel free to talk more about your experience, this just seemed like a more efficient way to answer your initial questions.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.

Define "Disorganized Attachment" please?

Update on Transference

Transference II

Erotic Transference Pain

AG
frogfrogMember
Hi Readhead51-

nice to `met` you and welcome to the forum! Smiler

No..you`re not loosing your mind your in love! Smiler

Ok- in know that may sounds unempathic and harsh.. I dont mean to..but it helped me once to learn that it was just a normal reaction to all the warmth and understanding i recieved from my T..I was also (ok, a bit still) "lost" and overwhelmed by the attachment-emotions for my T. Therapy changed so much in my life and my focus and it occupated my mind 24/7. But ReadHead- it is going to change.. it wont feel this bad and frustratied all the time.. Seriously, i also thought i was going to feel that way for the rest of my life. And that was truly heartbreaking and the most scary thought, and i tryed to cope with it and "deal with it" and so on, but somehow the time and the relation/ process began to heal these erotic-tranceferense wounds, and i am sure thei will for you as well. Nothing lasts for ever, the good feelings will perhaps last, but all the frustration and the shame(?) and neglect you might feel will sooner or later fade away, and new feelings will enter the Therapy-room. This might not be a comfort to hear, but at least know that this is all very common (some therapist actualy expects that their clients fall in love with them! And for meny reasons these feelings are a counted to be a very good sign in therapy!) and meny of us here in forum have had experiences with this pain/struggeling like you describe them.. Your not alone.

The links from TG are really helpful, (ive read them all with great interest and thei`re really clearifyin`) so read them if you want to get some more "serious facts" or profesional view at this topic.. Its a lot of help in just simply read about this as well.

ALL THE BEST TO YOU, AND DONT HESITATE TO ASK MORE QUESTIONS.

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