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22 replies

i m*** my T

puppetpuppetMember
i can't even say the word right now and i decided not to fight with myself anymore and came up with a compromise - i just won't say the word right now. i suspect it will be very easy to guess what the word is.

i used to do this with my T sometimes, she would try to get me to say what i really meant when i was trying to get away with speaking in 'code'. i feel like this isn't really me, (i hope) i'm the type of person who likes to be direct and say exactly what i mean... except i often don't feel free enough to do that. especially when it comes to feelings. big scary f**lings that hurt.

it's just over 6 weeks since i saw my T last for our termination session (god, i hate that word!). it's not really termination, i am taking a 6-9months break and i will go back. she said i can come back earlier if i need to, or later, whenever i'm ready (why doesn't that make me feel better right now?). it was totally my decision to go on this adventure on my own, to learn to look after myself better, to see how i can cope on my own.

i don't feel like i'm coping very well though, especially not with the looking after myself better part. on the surface it looks like i'm doing ok, but i am a mess inside. if i can't even let myself say that i m**s her, how am i looking after myself, after the little part of me who is so hurt and alone right now - and she hates me too, for taking her away from her. she hates me and i feel it and i'm at a loss at how to make her feel better, make the whole of me feel better. i'm at a loss because i'm alone too and there's so much expected of me, i'm so tired...

i re-read what i wrote and it sounds kinda blah blah blank... kinda how i feel: in denial, depressed, keeping the facade on, but the cracks are showing and there's so much pain and rage inside from the little me whom i've abandoned again and tried to shut her up just as my parents did.

i hope i'll get better at this. for some reason (well, many actually) i still think shutting her up is for her own good...

thanks for listening!
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forlornforlornMember
((((((puppet))))))

I'm so sorry you're struggling with your feelings right now.

I understand the speaking in code. I know my personal "code-speak" is seriously confusing because it's normally the exact opposite of what I really mean. And I'm not even sure if my T realizes this yet. Though I am trying to get better at not disguising the things I want to say. Saying "no, I understand" which really means "I am so confused, I don't know why you're saying this". But that's me *sigh*

Knowing that you can go back won't make the painful feelings for her go away. It still hurts to be away from her because it's still a loss to you. You have every right to feel pain for your loss no matter what the end result of your adventure is.

I wish I could offer so much more comfort to you. I'm glad you're reaching out here. Hopefully being able to talk about it will help you during these days.
puppetpuppetMember
thanks forlorn, you're really sweet! talking about it does help, thanks for the encouraging words!

(((D))) sounds like you need a hug too! i'm not good at hugs in real life, but i'm trying to get better at it, at least online first. (just explaining in case my hugs feel a bit awkward at first)
i'm really sorry you're going through this hell too. i thought i had it together but i was in denial. maybe its good that at least you are more honest with yourself about it, hopefully that helps in the long run. my journaling has been very conflicted lately, don't even know who's talking to whom anymore, but i think i'll try your suggestion and do some art. i like drawing and will hopefully feel more free doing that.
the problem for me is that now i'm in a new city, staying with a friend, so i don't feel 'at home' yet, this is the main reason i've been so guarded and in denial. hopefully i will be able to get my own place soon and in the meantime, i can try to find some quiet and safe time to myself.
thanks D, i'll be thinking of you too!

starfish, i really appreciate your kind words and encouraging me to keep posting!!

puppet
Last edited by puppet
puppetpuppetMember
there's so much pain around right now ... and i feel like i'm one of the lucky ones. my T was always ethical and supportive and i felt that she handled our termination/break with a lot of empathy and patience... of course, at the time, there were lots of times i felt really frustrated and angry, mostly because of abandonment issues / transference, but i don't have any problem with how she handled any of that.

having said that, i'm angry with her again! the same transference has reared its ugly head again. she never told me it would be this hard! i feel like i'm withdrawing from a drug i didn't even know i was using! of course, this is typical of me, i repress my feelings and then they come in full force all at once and overwhelm me.

i don't remember her anymore. she is an illusion. just like the illusion that she cared.

and you're gonna think i'm so 'silly' (i was thinking much worse but i changed the word).. when i tell you that she gave me her email address and said i could write to her.

i just can't email her, i can't. just as i could never ever tell/show my mother that i needed her. NEVER. i was broken enough, i couldn't handle any more humiliation and shame.

i'm ashamed, i feel so weak and pathetic... i know i must forgive myself for missing her, for needing her, for feeling like an abandoned child again... i only have me now.. please lets make peace please..

please don't worry about replying to this. it is so self indulgent and about me and my conflicts.
Last edited by puppet
puppetpuppetMember
you're so sweet D, thank you for your kind words! and you're going through the same thing yourself but you took the time to write to me too. i really appreciate it and i'm sorry that you're going through such a difficult time too. (((D)))
i'm a bit better today, i've been preoccuping my mind with other things. but i think even though yesterday i was such a mess, it is good that i'm feeling the feelings finally.
i've been meaning to ask you how you're coping as well, i was going to post again today cos i realised i hadn't even addressed your previous sweet post when i was falling apart yesterday.
how long has it been for you and have u had such breaks before? (but only if u want to tell me, i dont need to know any specifics).
i realized for me its the longest break i've had from my T (in 6years!), normally her holidays would be 4 or 5 weeks at the most. so this is definetely new teritorry for me.
i'll get there i know, i just need to look after myself and get through the feelings.

i think i need to think more about the email (reach some sort of compromise with myself?)... i've never emailed her before, i don't know if it will make it harder (to be reminded of what i'm missing) or easier (to get reconnected in a way - if it is possible). but maybe the 'reconnection' is all in my mind, i just have to allow it.

hope you're on the up side of the roller coaster now, and if it goes down, please write here too so hopefully i can offer (your) kind and wise words back Smiler or at least some hugs!

puppet
Last edited by puppet
puppetpuppetMember
thanks starfish for your hugs!! here's one back ((starfish))

and thank you D, again!

yes, the anger caught me by surprise too! i have to work on that and try not to repress it.

2 weeks is a great achievement (your words, remember them?), its not about counting the weeks, like you said it's about taking one day at a time and yes, count those days and be proud of them.

my T would take 4 weeks for a main holiday ( i think she might have done 5 weeks once, but mostly 4) and then another smaller holiday of 1-2 weeks. going over the limit you're used to being on a break is hard, almost like a physical pain, like your whole body is in withdrawal too. i think i only got quite attached to her in the last 1-2 years, i used to be (or thought i was / was better at pretending I was) fine without her. it's a good thing i think, because i feel like we did great work especially in the last year.

let's do withdrawal together Smiler
((D))

puppet
Last edited by puppet
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Awww Draggers and Puppet ((((( both of you ))))

Draggers no way are you being self pitying - you’re on an enforced break, that’s about as bad as sudden termination so you gotta give yourself LOTS of credit for getting through it as you are. :hug:

Puppet I can’t help wondering, if you are the one who has chosen to take this break, and now it’s all getting so difficult and painful, what is stopping you going back to see her? I can understand wanting to stand on your own two feet type of thinking - but surely if needing your T is getting so bad maybe that means you’re not quite ready for such a long break? Sorry if this is insensitive, I guess I’m wondering why you wanted this break in the first place (lol that’s almost heresy, to actually CHOOSE to not see a T rather than being booted out.)

Sending lots of sympathy and support to you in this painful time Puppet, and to you too Draggers!

LL
puppetpuppetMember
D- you are doing this on your own in a way, as you are not with 'your T', don't discount that! and it must be so so much harder because your break was imposed on you!! i say let's share our self pity as well as the encouragements!

STRM, thanks for your hugs! they help Smiler

LL, thanks for your hugs too!! what's stopping me from going back... it's a very fair question! one i still ask myself sometimes...
short answer, first: i'm really (really really really) stubborn, second: i have moved away for this period of time so it's not actually easy to go back, especially just for a session or two (and i think it defeats the purpose of the break).
why i wanted the break in the first place - well that's actually a very long answer... one that i'm still finding out myself. lots of answers actually. it has to do with me doing better and wanting to see how i do on my own, it might also have to do with me running away a bit, or at least for a while, to figure some things out. thanks for asking, it helps to try to put things into words and think about it again (and again)... i'll keep thinking...

puppet
Last edited by puppet
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Ah Puppet I see now why it’s doubly difficult for you - having moved away does make it rather difficult to keep up face to face therapy. So in a sense you’re almost in enforced break too. Somehow contact by email or even phone isn’t the same, and especially not if you’re suffering attachment feelings - it’s the presence of T that’s important I think, more than mere contact.

Got to admire you for having the courage to strike out on your own (and I’m glad to hear you were feeling so much better about things that you felt you could go it alone.) Hmm stubborn eh? Shall we start a club? (Lol I see Draggers already belongs!) I like to think of myself as ‘determined’ but to be honest stubborn is probably a better description. But on the whole stubbornness (or determination) is a pretty useful and at times life saving characteristic so I’m quite happy about it - well, for now anyway lol. Seriously, I do believe that determination is what keeps us going so give yourself some praise for it, it's a good thing.

I’ve never been in the position of missing a T (mainly because I’ve never gotten attached to one!) so I can only guess at how you’re feeling, but it’s pretty clear you’re in a lot of pain. Maybe the good thing about it is that you are finding things out about yourself, nothing like a whole heap of negative stuff to bring out the important things. The pain has to be worth something don’t you think?

Puppet please keep posting, it would be good to hear more of your story.

LL
starfishstarfishMember
Interesting thread, my T says I am stubborn and that stubbornness has helped to get me through, so I wonder if it's a protective trait? The only problem for me is that it also means I'm much tougher on myself than for others, which isn't so helpful. So even if you feel as if you wanted to go back, that stubborness and inner voice that tells you you shouldn't, can cause conflict. I think what I've learned in the past few years that has helped me more than anything in T, has been to make myself more vulnerable to my T, say and do things that I never would have before, because my stubbornness and self-reliance stoppped me from doing so....and the risk that I might be rejected if I did. Don't know if that makes any sense with where you are puppet? Have you been able to reflect more on you, since that break, without getting bogged down with day-to-day therapy? I've always thought about having a break, to see if I would be ok, so well done you for managing that one...but a bit of me feared I'd never be brave enough to go back and that really scared me.

starfish
puppetpuppetMember
it is really nice of you all to say nice things about my 'stubbornness' but i dont feel worthy of any of it right now. i'm just going through another bad phase i know, and will see clearly again. feeling really sad and broken. having been away for a few days, i hardly had any time to myself, didn't think too much about how i was feeling, didn't think much about T either. maybe i should think of her everyday and then it won't be so up and down.
there's also something i remembered. someone i lost when i was almost 2. i saw her again on my trip, it is now that i found out that she stayed with us until i was 2, then she moved away. i always felt a strong connection with her and now it makes sense. i think things got much worse for me after she left. and now i had to say goodbye to her again, we dont see each other often as we don't live close.

i'm having 3 different types of chocolate to make myself feel better Frowner
starfishstarfishMember
puppet

It's ok to give yourself a break from thinking about therapy or your T - sometimes you need to do that in order to attend to other things in life, if not you end up jugging too many balls and start dropping them all. But it is always hard when you have to back to it again and start picking those damn balls up again Frowner

I'm sorry about your friend you lost - remembering things like that is always hard - when they come banging bck into our lives again at the wrong time. So no wonder you feel sad and broken ((((puppet))))

I hope things get to feel a little easier....if not, well I love the chocolate therapy idea- maybe we could survey which type works best???!! Hmmm we'd have to eat a lot of chocolate to make it a fair test though....shame Big Grin

starfish
puppetpuppetMember
thanks starfish for your caring words! and thanks LL and D too for your previous posts and for praising my stubbornness. i am glad we all belong to the same club!

i've been distracted lately, worrying myself with the thought shall i email my T or shouldn't I. i did email her in the end, didn't say too much, told her its been hard too but it was mostly in a 'positive' tone (although she might have read between the lines... i don't know). she answered back the next day, so my agony of checking my email every 5 seconds didn't last too long.

i dont think this emailing thing is gonna help me, but i guess i had to try it to see. her email seemed a bit cold, or neutral, she didn't say much. i can't find anything specific at fault, its just that she cant give me what i need in an email. it only reminded me of what i lost. maybe that is a good thing in a way. i have cried again till my head hurt and the pain is more of a numb ache now.

i guess it's only me now. i have to look after myself better, she is not here anymore to remind me to do that.
Last edited by puppet
puppetpuppetMember
quote:
Originally posted by starfish:
So even if you feel as if you wanted to go back, that stubborness and inner voice that tells you you shouldn't, can cause conflict. I think what I've learned in the past few years that has helped me more than anything in T, has been to make myself more vulnerable to my T, say and do things that I never would have before, because my stubbornness and self-reliance stoppped me from doing so....
starfish


you are spot on about the stubbornness also being a defense mechanism which can create a lot of inner conflict. i had a lot of intense inner conflict before making the decision to leave. i know i didn't manage to make peace with all of myself with this decision, so my challenge now lies in making amends.
and i did allow myself to become more vulnerable with her too, as there were a lot of deep feelings that came out before i left, this both created inner conflict as well as help solve it in a way (gave different parts of me what they needed)

i think you will be brave enough when you're ready. no point doing it before.
lamplighterlamplighterMember
((((((((( Puppet ))))))))

I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad - it took a lot of courage to send an email to your T and unfortunately I know exactly what you mean about the reply not really doing anything to help - for what it's worth I think all Ts must do a course on 'how to answer emails without giving anything away'. Without fail the way Ts write emails tends to be cold and detached and uninvolved - no hugs or smilies or kind words, just bare basic factual sentences. Although maybe some Ts aren't like that, generally that's my impression.

What I'm really sorry about is that even though you did get up the courage to email her, it didn't really achieve very much for you and you're still sitting there in your pain unassuaged. Do you think it would be possible to sort out with her a form or proper email therapy ie where she would be writing more therapeutically-inclined responses? Not sure that email therapy is anywhere near as effective as face to face, but it might be useful?

I think you're holding up amazingly well - I'm not quite sure whether to wish you well in NOT staying in touch with her, or to wish that you would stay in touch with her. It's a bad place to be in either way.

Sending you all good wishes Puppet

LL
puppetpuppetMember
quote:
Originally posted by Lamplighter:
So in a sense you’re almost in enforced break too.

Puppet please keep posting, it would be good to hear more of your story.

LL


yes - a self-enforced break Frowner
i know that i still have to make it up to the little me who wasn't ready yet. i just got too ambitious and stubborn. it was something i had been planning for a long time and i did postpone it till i thought i was more ready. maybe i would have never felt 100% ready.

thanks for encouraging me to keep posting, you (almost) made me forget that i usually wonder who on earth would read this self indulgent blabber...
"it would be good to hear more of your story" were some of the nicest words i've heard in a while!

good luck with your T, hopefully we're not all scaring you with our stories.
puppetpuppetMember
quote:
Originally posted by Lamplighter:
I think all Ts must do a course on 'how to answer emails without giving anything away'. Without fail the way Ts write emails tends to be cold and detached and uninvolved - no hugs or smilies or kind words
LL


Big Grin that made me smile, thank you!

wish me not to stay in touch with her for now, thanks!

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