Hi Bobby, nice to meet you. I think if I were in your shoes it would definitely seem like a nightmare - unreal, like it couldn't possibly be happening. I would be having the same struggle of trying to acknowledge with my left brain that my T leaving wasn't a personal rejection, yet feeling very much abandoned with my right brain. I haven't been through it though, and I hope I don't ever have to. However, I think you've come to a really good place here if you are looking for support.

I will add that from what you wrote your T sounds like she has been good for you in so many ways, with boundaries and attachment, and her wanting you to process these feelings with her IS a sign that she doesn't want to just leave you hanging. She does care. I think it would be much better for you to try to hash it out with her and experience the deep yucky crappy angry hurt WITH her, rather than avoiding it and having to deal with this on your own. Because it sounds like there's no way around the suffering; you are going to have to go through it one way or another. I'm so sorry about that. If it were me, I would prefer to stay in denial mode, so I'm really not preaching! Just wish I could help.

quote:

She does care. I think it would be much better for you to try to hash it out with her and experience the deep yucky crappy angry hurt WITH her, rather than avoiding it and having to deal with this on your own.

Hi Bobby,
Welcome to the site. You will find that there are loads of caring people here, many of whom that have experienced your loss, and survived. I am not one of them (shared experience)but I do agree with MH.

It sounds as though you 2 have shared a great attuned relationship, so this is really tough. You did not mention a time frame; is she giving you time to work things out with her? Is she helping you by providing resources to find another T? Working things out with her is very important abiet painful, I can well imagine.
My T says growing through pain is the hardest thing to do, but it offers the most growth. Yea- to be perfectly honest, in my opinion it S#@ks! And I don't get it, but that is what he says.
People here are great- you will receive support from those that have shared your experience, and they can hold you through the loss. Do as much of the work with your T as you can before she leaves.

Keep sharing here- as that helps too.
I wish you all the best. It is a lousey situation to be in.

Mayo

Hi Bobby,

Welcome, this is a great place to find information and support. I just want to echo what the others have said. The loss of your relationship with your T is a major loss and it is worth being angry about and grieving over. I think that even though it will be hard that it could be helpful to hash as much of it out with her as you can before she leaves. I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how devastating this news has been to you.

Hi Bobby,

I'm so sorry about your T. I haven't gone through that nearly to the degree that you are now, so I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I'm so glad you found this forum so you can reach out to people who understand, like you said. Please don't hesitate to post here as much as you need to help you get through this. How soon is your T closing her practice?

Hi Bobby,
Welcome to the forums, I'm really glad you posted. I am sorry for your T retiring and I want to assure you that it is a very big deal and that I understand the intensity of what you're feeling.

I saw my first therapist on and off for over 22 years. We were very close and I did a lot of really important work with her including recovering memories of sexual abuse and processing the trauma around that. She is, and always will be, a very significant figure in my life. About five years ago, she retired because she had decided to quit clinical practice, and go back to school because she felt she was being led to go in another direction. That year has started with my beloved mother-in-law being in the hospital for three weeks (she lived with us) and almost dying, followed by one of my closest friends dying unexpectedly of a heart attack, followed by my mother being diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma (she's in remission now and doing well), followed by my father-in-law dying from Alzheimer's. To say it was bad timing was a little bit of an understatement.

So when I hear you talking about how you feel and how disconcerting and difficult all this is, I understand. I think it's a testament to the work you've done with what sounds like an awesome T that you've reached out for support to get through this.

I want to share a few things about my experience in the hope that they might be helpful but I want to stress that this is MY experience and might not match up with yours or be the right way for you to handle it.

I remember feeling so much of what you're describing, the sorrow, the anger, the pain of realizing that her life wasn't about me. It's all really understandable and to be expected. I did process some of my feelings with her, and we were able to say goodbye in a very affirming way and reflect on our work together. But to my regret, I held back a lot because I could see how hard it was for her to do this. If I could go back, I think I would have expressed a lot more of my anger and hurt, I think it would have helped to have her hear it. But in either case, I do want to reassure you, that after a period of mourning, I was able to get her back in the way you do with someone you've grieved. I have many wonderful memories of her and she's very much with me still, as part of who I am.

But something really amazing happened which I couldn't see at the time. OK, actually my reaction at the time was pretty much to look up at God and scream "WHAT are you thinking? How could you do this to me? And right now, after everything I've been through?!?" You get the picture. I wasn't done therapy, and I knew it but I couldn't imagine working with someone else or getting that close again.

My husband and I were working with his T for couples counseling and it's a long story (chronicled in my old posts actually, I talk alot. ) but I ended up working with him individually. I have done an unbelievable amount of healing with my present T and my life has changed, for the better, in ways I never thought possible. I think I needed to work with a male therapist because many of my issues centered around my dad, who was my abuser and I would never have worked with a male T if I had not first trusted him. And I would NEVER have left my first T; she needed to have left me for me to have moved on. So what looked like, and was quite frankly, a horrible event, turned out in the end to also be a blessing. I ended up in an even closer, more intimate relationship than I had with my first T and was able to move forward in areas where we had been stuck for a while. My present T is a really good theraputic match for me and understood my issues in a way that really helped me to move forward.

I do not want to minimize what you are going through. This is difficult, painful stuff and I would urge you to keep posting here where people will understand just how major this is and why its so difficult. People who have not done deep work in therapy can really struggle to understand this and it can hurt when they minimize the issue. But I also want you to take heart and know that there will be life after this.

And just because she didn't mean to hurt you, doesn't mean you're not hurt. That was what stopped me from expressing myself. But it does hurt, and you deserve to have that heard. This relationship is about you and your feelings and your T will be able to hear EVERYTHING you're feeling, both the good and bad. I would urge you to share as much as you can bring yourself to express.

AG

Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful posts and very kind words. Thanks also for the warm welcome.

I'm not doing well at all. I feel lost and like I have to make some kind of decision and I don't even know what the question is. I can't concentrate, eat, sleep, work, or anything. I want to see her, but I don't. I can't explain this to my friends. Yet, I feel like someone has died. But no one has. I still feel like I'm in a daze. I just want to move and go far, far away from everything.

I have an appointment with her tomorrow morning. I just don't think I can handle feeling this kind of pain and anger. I love her so much.

Welcome to the forum, Bobby. I want to say hello even though I was not able to do so after your first post. It triggered the pain caused by the recent loss of the therapist who terminated my therapy recently. I had been seeing her for more than four years. To add insult to injury, she did not give me much warning and the reasons she gave made no sense to me!

I want you to know that I can understand the pain you are feeling. It really does feel like the death of a loved one. The difference (and loneliest part) is there are no public announcements or funeral to attend. No one knows of the private anguish you are feeling at the loss of this significant relationship.

I hope your T will help you with making the transition to another T. I wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. Many of us on this forum understand how hard it is to lose a T and understand your pain. When you are able, please let us know how your appointment yesterday morning went with your T.

deeplyrooted

Wow, I just want to thank everyone again for your posts. They make me cry a lot. It's helpful (and painful) to be seen and understood for what I'm going through.

Today I see her again. I feel stuck somewhere between denial and anger. I am very angry today. But I love her so much. I want to be able to connect with her and let her be with me in this. I just don't know how to do it. The voices creep up and want to hurt myself to spite her... "forget it, I'm never trusting anyone that much ever again... I'm never seeing a therapist again... I'm certainly never trusting a straight woman again (it's a long story)... I'm going to stop trying to get pregnant... stop hanging out with my friends..." All stuff about putting myself away. Un-loving myself. As if that would hurt her or she would even care...

Hi Bobby,
It's understandable that you're feeling all that. You allowed yourself to get close to someone and feel attached to them (a very healthy thing to do btw!) despite all your fears. And you got hurt. It's not the same thing that has happened to you in the past. Her leaving her practice isn't about you and I'm sure she's not enjoying what she's putting you through. But it's very understandable that the pain this is causing is bringing back all those messages that it's dangerous to let yourself get close to anyone, that you will get hurt.

There have been times during my work with my present T where I have actually found myself very angry at him, that he allowed me to get close, and angry at myself, that I let myself get close. It could be terrifying at times, and I was AMAZED at my creativity in inventing reasons for me to move away. I think that may be what you're experiencing. Especially because I hear you wanting to pull away from EVERYONE, your T, your friends, don't have a child, and even yourself!

This situation sucks, I won't tell you any different and your feelings are really understandable. But I do think be honest and open with your T about how you're feeling will allow you not only to process your feelings but to gain some understanding about what it's like for you when someone leaves. Losses in life are inevitable and we will fact them time and again. This is a chance for you to see just what happens with you and what gets evoked from your past when you are facing loss.

AG