TN,

S'awesome to hear from you, and to hear that it sounds like you worked through a kinda painful rupture in trusting your T. It's awesome that you could hear him say that he was upset that he'd hurt you, and get through the re-lived experience with your mom.

I think therapy can get pretty scary sometimes. It's downright shocking when we do the right thing, work through it, and go back.

quote:

I KNOW I've made progress, but right now it feels like it's all just been a delusion on my part. So that's how I'm feeling in all my glory. Although I'm not losing sight of what I need to do to heal and knowing that experiencing this pain is necessary to healing but it's one thing to know that and another to do it. Now, don't you feel better about how you're handling things?

I'm glad that no matter how scary and overwhelming it can feel,that I have people I can talk to and admit feeling this overwhelmed. Thanks.

AG

Wow I totally can relate to everything you just said. I want more and more from my T and I feel betrayed by her because she will NEVER be my mother...

I have been struggling a LOT with transference lately. Wandering if its healthy to be this obsessive with my therapist or not. I feel so alone right now and I don't feel like I have any support. I don't know who to turn to or who to trust.

I wander if my therapist was sending me mixed signals or not dealing with my attachment to her right. Or if I just worked myself into obsessing over her. Than it makes me doubt I was ever even abused. But that maybe I just used that as a way to get attention. On the other hand I came to her with the problem of facing my past incest...so I am probably just in totally denial and everything..

Just wandering if I am doing the right thing by going to therapy. I feel so lost right now and very confused...

Thanks!!

quote:

I feel so lost right now and very confused...

Hey TG85! I'm so sorry that you are feeling so confused right now.

quote:

I feel so alone right now and I don't feel like I have any support.

However, I'm quite impressed that you chose to post when you are feeling so alone. It is a way of taking care of yourself that I hope you recognize. But guess what... you aren't all by yourself anymore! <--- see all of those... that's us, sitting here listening to you (aren't we an attentive bunch?) And alot of us understand and can validate your feelings. So please, keep posting and using us for some support!

quote:

I don't know who to turn to or who to trust.

I wander if my therapist was sending me mixed signals or not dealing with my attachment to her right. Or if I just worked myself into obsessing over her. Than it makes me doubt I was ever even abused. But that maybe I just used that as a way to get attention. On the other hand I came to her with the problem of facing my past incest...

This my friend, is the transference bind. I hate to say it, but it is part of the process. It commonly goes something like this: Can I trust my instincts? Am I making it all up? Is my T making it worse? Is she doing it to me? Why am I so screwed up that I can't stop thinking about her? Why, when I came in here to deal with my issues, am I spending time, effort and money to think/talk about her so much? Shouldn't I be dealing with my real issues? etc."

I see this part of the transference experience as "disorganization before reorganization." It kinda feels like someone is playing "52 Card Pick-up" with your life, or like you are cleaning out a huge junk closet, but before you can clean it, you have to pull all of the crap out first! And right when you get all of the crap out of the closet, you turn around and there is this deep, gut-wrenching feeling of regret, like OMG WTF WAS I THINKING?? WHY DIDN'T I JUST SHUT THE F***ING CLOSET DOOR?

However, after you stomp your feet and jump up and down for a bit, you calm down and discover that if you start picking up a few things here and there, and you throw a few other things away, the pile gets more and more managable. It just so happens (for alot of us) that our closets contain: guilt, pain, fear, abuse, negativity, manipulation, cruelty, neglect, self-loathing and so on. So when all of this is out in the middle of the floor, staring at you with their mean, red eyes, it's really disorienting. But if you look hard at that pile for a bit, right past those big mean eyes, you just might see what you have sacrificed in order to shut all of those things in the closet. You might find love, acceptance, being present, truth, validation, self esteem, power and beauty mixed in with all those other things.

But what you are experiencing is a turning point of sorts. Let the fear of not knowing what's next wash over you, but keep in mind that fear is a feeling, and like all other feelings, it has a beginning and an end. Once this intial shock of where you are wears off a bit, you will start going through all of that junk in the middle of your floor, and it won't feel AS confusing.

As for your T sending mixed signals, I urge you to really consider this and bring up to her what is confusing you. She may be triggering you and not be aware of it. And, there may be some counter transference at play which she needs keep in check. If it's confusing to you, it's important, and needs to be addressed.

quote:

so I am probably just in totally denial and everything..

FYI: You don't seem like your in denial. To me, you seem to be really aware that there are some things that are wrong. And wondering if you were abused is really normal. And so is wishing you never had been. But the fact that you can openly refer to it as "incest" is a pretty good indicator that you know you were abused. Even if you don't know it, I imagine the little girl in you does, so if you're not able to agree with her yet, do me a favor and please let that little girl know I believe her.

Hope you experience some peace soon.

-CT

Transferencegrl,
CT has already said a lot of what I would have said and more eloquently than i could put it. She's right, you may feel confused but you're doing the right thing by looking at this. And I know that sometimes it can feel like you are making up the abuse. I struggled with that for literally years. Sometimes I think that believing we are making it up or just looking for attention is less painful than facing the reality of what happened. These are acts of evil that had far-reaching consequences for us; we'd give alot to have it not be true. Even our image of ourselves as a truthful person.

My T has told me a number of times that people go to therapy to make things better, but when you start looking at things that you have held at bay for years (when you open the closet) it really does get more painful and more messy for awhile. There's nothing wrong with you, actually you're being incredibly brave and strong to face this, although I understand you feel anything but.

And CT's also right about you not being alone. We're here and we really do understand what its like to go through this. Just keep talking about what its like for you, it can really help.

quote:

And right when you get all of the crap out of the closet, you turn around and there is this deep, gut-wrenching feeling of regret, like OMG WTF WAS I THINKING?? WHY DIDN'T I JUST SHUT THE F***ING CLOSET DOOR?

CT,
LMAO! That so perfectly captures the feeling!

AG

quote:

And right when you get all of the crap out of the closet, you turn around and there is this deep, gut-wrenching feeling of regret, like OMG WTF WAS I THINKING?? WHY DIDN'T I JUST SHUT THE F***ING CLOSET DOOR?

CT, this completely captures my feelings right now. I've gone too far to shove everything back in and shut the door but I regret it and every second week or so I start thinking I've got to stop therapy, there has to be a way. When I'm lucky I can recognize that this is a feeling and not necessarily an action.

Welcome to therapy TG185, I am sorry that you have to be there but I'm glad you've found this place.

quote:

Hope you experience some peace soon.

-CT

Thanks so much for being so supportive.

I had a problem in therapy and had been feeling VERY VULNERABLE. I was going on another support site and rather than getting re assurance I recieved neg feedback saying that my relationship was bad and so on and so forth. MEANWHILE I was just expressing the way I felt about my therapist. I wrote long letters to her telling her what I was learning and what I felt about our relationship.

I have a lot of shame regarding attaching to people and so I doubt my therapist/I relationship a lot. Once I put my trust in them I see them as evil or out to get me.. and thats important to tell her.. I thought

I decided to switch on this site, because people seem to be a lot more open minded and focused on transference which is what I am trying to work through. I guess I stepped up.

Anyways... I will have to talk to my therapist about all of this.... About the fact that other people were saying transference was bad so I felt SHAME and I Was ashamed to be connected to her and shame about how I was feeling. I pushed her away along with everyone else...

I still do worry about the mixed signals I have gotten from my therapist, but I also know I am percieving everything quite wrong right now. I am guessing if it is because when I was little I percieved everything quite wrong, because I was being abused..

I am debating on calling my therapist, because I feel sooo lost. I feel I have so much to tell her. Or maybe I should write a letter. Is that so bad??? I was making so much progress and opening up so much.. now here I am back at step one!

thank you everyone for listening and being so supportive...

I honestly don't feel like I have anyone who GETS it... But you guys DEFF seem to!!

quote:

About the fact that other people were saying transference was bad so I felt SHAME and I Was ashamed to be connected to her and shame about how I was feeling.

TG85

I hope you understand that most of us on this forum have felt this. I've felt shame, embarrassment and just plain wrong about my feelings for my T. Just yesterday she told me that there are NO inappropriate feelings in therapy. I am struggling very much with the strong feelings that I have for her, and it is very difficult for me to express this to her. But, little by little I am SAYING it. She is patiently waiting for me to get it all out and I know darn well that she knows what I am feeling. She just wants ME to say it, and feel it. And every time I say a little more, she validates it and she doesn't look at me as if I'm crazy or disgusting or wrong. She looks at me with compassion and understanding. And that gives me the strength to take a few more risks each time I see her. It is not easy by any means. And yes, I fall into the pattern of thinking that she doesn't like me, or I'm making a big deal out of nothing, or I need to just grow up and get over it. Then she tells me that those are the critical voices of my past and I need to stop listening to them.

Calling your T is a good thing. She needs to know what your needs are and she wants to hear them. If that is too hard right now then writing a letter is a very good thing. I went through a stage of doing that weekly. It helped me to get my thoughts out in a way that made sense to me. And it was helpful for her to know before my session, what was bothering me. Of course we still had to TALK about it, but she was better able to guide me in really getting it out.

I thought at one time that I had gone back to step one also. But a friend who is also a therapist told me that even though it feels that way, you are only visiting step one and soon you will be moving on in leaps and bounds. She was right. So be patient with yourself. What you are doing right now takes so much strength and courage and you will definitely reap the benefits.

PL

quote:

Knowing and feeling can be 2 very different experiences for me.

Summer

Have you been listening in on my sessions?? I can't even count the number of times I've said that to my T. It is very frustrating, isn't it? For me, I think it is the whole thing about being in control of my feelings. Not letting anyone see a thought or feeling that they might perceive as wrong. (that is my own projection there) I'm constantly judging myself and expecting that others judge me the same way. My T is always asking me what I think she is thinking. When I tell her, she is always surprised and says that she wasn't thinking anything close to what I said.

I KNOW that she is not judging me, but I still have those feelings that she MIGHT be. It is very hard to get past this, but each time you experience something that is not perceived the way you thought it would be, in other words it feels safer and not judged, you become better able to express yourself. You are not bothering your T, but you need to tell him that you think you are. He needs and wants to validate your feelings and show you that he really is there for you. I hope he gets better soon so you can work on this.

PL

quote:

Originally posted by puppy lover:

quote:

About the fact that other people were saying transference was bad so I felt SHAME and I Was ashamed to be connected to her and shame about how I was feeling.

TG85

I hope you understand that most of us on this forum have felt this. I've felt shame, embarrassment and just plain wrong about my feelings for my T. Just yesterday she told me that there are NO inappropriate feelings in therapy. I am struggling very much with the strong feelings that I have for her, and it is very difficult for me to express this to her. But, little by little I am SAYING it. She is patiently waiting for me to get it all out and I know darn well that she knows what I am feeling. She just wants ME to say it, and feel it. And every time I say a little more, she validates it and she doesn't look at me as if I'm crazy or disgusting or wrong. She looks at me with compassion and understanding. And that gives me the strength to take a few more risks each time I see her. It is not easy by any means. And yes, I fall into the pattern of thinking that she doesn't like me, or I'm making a big deal out of nothing, or I need to just grow up and get over it. Then she tells me that those are the critical voices of my past and I need to stop listening to them.

Calling your T is a good thing. She needs to know what your needs are and she wants to hear them. If that is too hard right now then writing a letter is a very good thing. I went through a stage of doing that weekly. It helped me to get my thoughts out in a way that made sense to me. And it was helpful for her to know before my session, what was bothering me. Of course we still had to TALK about it, but she was better able to guide me in really getting it out.

I thought at one time that I had gone back to step one also. But a friend who is also a therapist told me that even though it feels that way, you are only visiting step one and soon you will be moving on in leaps and bounds. She was right. So be patient with yourself. What you are doing right now takes so much strength and courage and you will definitely reap the benefits.

PL

Thanks!! That is very helpful!! I am trying to think of the hope rather than the negative. But I guess this plus all of the things in my life dealing with friends and my son and future. Everything is so overwhelming and insane!!

I keep worrying if my T is crossing boundaries and that is why I am afraid to tell her stuff.. I am afraid she has bad intentions. I guess I am having trouble trusting myself and everyone else around me..

I think once I tell my therapist this.. I will feel a WHOLE lot better!!!! I am too scared to call her, so I think I will just write a letter instead!!

Right now I really don't have support from anyone who GETS it... rather than support from you all. Its so confusing!

Thanks again for the support!

quote:

I thought it was so interesting how your T asks if you know what she's thinking and then you "compare notes."

Summer

That's where the conflict of KNOWING and FEELING comes in. I KNOW she is trained to not judge me, but I FEEL like she just might. She says it is more than how she was trained, it is her true self and she treats people inside her office the same as she treats people outside her office. I just have to overcome that fear of thinking she may be judging me.

She knows that she needs to keep telling me over and over that she is being truthful with me. I KNOW that, but do I FEEL it?

PL