Hey, I'm sorry it has taken awhile for me to get back to responding to you all. It has been a very rough couple of days. The feedback adn thoughts and support has really helped me slow down a bit more and think...
Happy Girl ~ yeah, I think I am really triggered about feelings about a couple of other significant people and actually, it makes a lot more sense now... Half the time I wish I could be in touch with my emotions more, and half the time I'm wishing I could hide them. Self regulating my emoions not something I'm good at - somehow, I seem to stuff them or wear them on my sleave. I don't know if I trust my T can handle this place I'm in, but I really hope she can. Thanks for the response - it helped. Thanks for the hugs too!
Alpaca ~ yeah, I think you are right too and I think my T and I are begining to see what this is really connected to.
catalyst ~ my is is pretty much the safest person I know. Both of them are. One T keeps telling me she can handle my anger, and the other, the one I texted, isn't as bold about it, but I hope she can stay steady with me in this. My roommate is triggering the heck out of me all week and I feel like I need my T more than ever, and anger at her more than ever... and I really can't express a drop of anger at him without him acting in a way that is even more triggering.
Laura ~ I wonder if I am doing the same thing.
I saw my T twice this week. At the first appointment, well, it didn't seem to go well at the time. I pretty much fell apart as my T suggested I find a new T. I was able to understand that she didn't feel like she was helping. I told her how shocked I was because it was just a few days earlier that things were fine (and she agreed). I told her I just need to work through it, and she expressed a lot of stuff I didn't understand... She wasn't mad at me for being mad at her, but really stuck on the sense that she wasn't helping. I was mad even more. It soon was time to finish, and I began to cry. I couldn't seem to stop. Like at all. I happened to be her last appointment of the day, so she said for me to stay for a little bit to see if it helped me contain and settle. I had already stood up to go. She asked what would help, and I asked if I could take a little bear with me that she has let me take before when she has been on long trips. She couldn't find it.
I kept crying, so hard. I was humilated by the tears, and yet couldn't stop. She went to get some ice and a cup of warm water (sometimes holding an ice cube in one hand and a cup of warm water in the other hand will keep me from dissociating, so we were hoping it would help me ground and contain with all the tears.) The tears were very welcome in her office, it was just time for me to go and I couldn't seem to pull it together. I was shaking and shivering too. When my T got back with the ice and warm water, I was still crying.
And it didn't work.
I started saying I wanted my dad. This surprised me and my T. At that point, she shifted somehow... I don't remember what exactly worked, but somehow telling her I wanted my dad helped me say that I wanted more to feel protected and like there was something steady. She said that clearly, something very core was stirred up. As I sat there shaking and facing the bewildering fact that yeah, somehwere inside, I wanted my father - not the abusive side to my father - but the protective side to my father I knew at times growing up. As I sat with this and with my T, I was able to then somehow pull myself together.
Before I left, my T and I set up two pre-scheduled check in calls for later that night and the next day, and it helped. We have done this in the past, quite awhile ago - and it is just a call to make sure I'm safe. Somehow knowing that call is coming, it helps me stay safe, and not have to debate with myself if I should call her or not. This time, it also seemed to help me feel steady with my T, and she seemed to be different. She seemed to really know that I was really shaken about things not really about her, and that any sort of steady safe connection is helpful...
I saw her again late yesterday, and it seemed like we were more on track. We didn't really solve what I was mad at her about, but it didn't seem like all of that was even about her. I've been deeply triggered about having to move and find a new place, and I was pretty numb when I went in. She asked about how the relationship with her was feeling to me, and I told her it feels like something else that is really unsteady, but that I still found it comforting just to be in her office. She then reminded me of how she is there, and although she is imperfect, she is and will be as steady with me as she can. I don't know that I found this very reassuring... but just being there with her again seemed to be steadying. And she was adamant in explaining that she just wanted to help and would never just suddenly abandon me. Not like my father did. She said we sould keep working through whatever got really rocky between us. That felt really reassuring.
I'm really confused and mixed up, but I get to see her again on monday and keep working through it.
and I find that I still am missing, in a very core way, that protective part of the man I used to call dad... I don't have a clue what to do about that, but I hope it will help me ride through this season in my life to know that I'm feeling that somewhere inside. Knowing I have that feeling deep inside does seem to be helping me to stop pushing my T away. Actually, it seems to be helping a lot as I don't want to push her away at all anymore.
It is a rough night at the end of a rough week, but it has been really helpful to post and share this here. Thanks for helping me walk through this with my T.
~ jane
