I don't know the answer to your question, incognito, but I know I am glad that you have a caring therapist who is clearly there for you when you need him. I am so sorry that your parents called you fat when you were not. I tmust feel terrible to have given up in despair, of ever getting the love you need through being thin. But you know- that would not really be love, either, but just the facade. I do not know what the answer is unless it is to love yourself, and that falls pretty flat for me when I hear it said, so even though I know it is true, I think your T needs to teach you, slowly, that you are lovable. and then, with new hope in yourslef, you will begin to want to get more healthy, and want to feel better, too. (((((incognito))))
I know it's hard to take in, but I think you are really lovely. I like you.

many hugs,

BB

quote:

I don't think my T is doing anything wrong (like I did when I am angry at my T) but I don't know how this overwhelming sadness is supposed to help. Is therapy supposed to exhaust you with all the sadness?

Incognito,
I know this doesn't feel like progress, just more pain, but it's actually a step forward. The fact that you can be sad about how you were treated (eminently reasonable btw) means that you are able to see enough worth in yourself to understand that it was WRONG to treat you that way. No one gets upset to see a trash can kicked, but there is outrage, or should be, if a child is kicked.

That sadness is your recognition both of your worth and of your loss. And as bad as it can feel, mourning does eventually allow us to heal and go on with our lives. I am sorry this is so painful and exhausting. But you are making progress, its just really difficult for you to see it right now.

(((((Incognito)))))

AG

I second what AG said. It does suck, the persistent sadness and overwhelming emotions. I feel like I'm surfing an endless wave after my sessions.

The hardest sessions, the ones where I have the most emotional challenges, as painful as they are, they are incredibly productive.

((((incognito))))

((((((((((incognito))))))))) I'm sorry for the overwhelming sadness you are in right now. It sounds like you are doing really important work in your therapy. I'm so sorry that your parents were so cruel to you. Parents should build you up, not tear you down. Even if you had been overweight, it still would have been cruel to treat you that way...but to see that they were wrong even about that, must be additionally disorienting. Good job in the work you are doing...and although it feels endless, I've heard that there is another side of this you will come to...make sure you keep talking to your T about how you are feeling...especially the hopelessness, if you are becoming incapacitated by it, maybe it means you might need to slow down a little...IDK. But I hope you reach the other side soon.

Gentle hugs,
SG

((((INCOGNITO)))

I get sad too when I see how it is something so seemingly simple that someone did over and over again and it resulted in such harm, such hurt. Sometimes I also get really mad about it all. I think of my cousin, whose father died and then her mother remarried an abusive, alcoholic man. It seems like one tiny twist of fate -her father dying- and a family's lives were destroyed. I think of all the lives destroyed generation after generation because none of us got what we needed and the cycle continues on and on. Siblings and parents alienated from each other. People hurting. You hurting. Me hurting.

I know that my parents only treated me the way they were treated and it just makes me mad that it IS this way, that it has been this way. I can totally see now how it all evolved the way it did but the way it has to change and it has to start with each and every one of us. So don't stay sad, get mad and do something about it. Fight, Incognito. I know you can.

Love,

Liese

P.S. I don't mean to suggest that what your parents did to you was simple. I'm not sure how to explain what I mean but I don't want you to take offense to that because that's not what I meant at all.

(((((Incognito)))))

I can relate to this. My mother and brother ridiculed me for my weight when I was in high school. When I look back on pictures of myself at that age, I am shocked that I ever listened to them. I was not fat by any means.

I know you are sad and understand that feeling, but I hope for you that this experience of looking at the pictures will ultimately be healing for you as you realize that you were not fat, what was said to you was abusive and damaging, and regardless of what size you are today, their behavior was NOT okay.

Hi incognito... I am sorry you are experiencing such sadness and that you have to go through this but I think that this is the grieving that gets done before moving to the healing. I think it was incredibly brave of you to bring in those family photos to share with your T and I'm sure he was very pleased that you did so and shared that part of you with him. You are moving closer to him (both physically and emotionally) and it's okay. You are seeing how it feels so normal. In fact, I don't hear you mention anything about feeling too icky for him to sit so near to you. That is great... you acknowledge that it was very normal. I think you may be close to offering a hand now for a handshake!

Your T relationship is growing and blooming and this eventually will heal you. I know it's hard and you will feel sad at times and probably still get angry at times but that is okay. I know your T is okay with it too.

I wanted to address the overweight issues.... I had the exact same experience when looking at my teen pictures. My mom always made me feel like I was SO fat and she would tell me to cover myself to hide the "fat" which were nothing more than a very curvry figure. But because I was taller and had a different more hourglass shape than she did, I was BIG and FAT to her and it stayed with me all my life. I am "plus size" now for real and I have mostly come to terms with it. I decided that I was not going to wait to live my life until I was some perfect size. I was going to look the best I could look at THIS size. And so I get my hair done, I buy trendy clothing and bright colors, I wear heels, I wear makeup and it really helps my confidence. Plus size clothing has come such a long way in the psst 15 years. There are gorgeous plus size models out there and fashion designers (for the most part) see us differently now. Beauty comes in all sizes and I know you are beautiful.

Go to Youtube and search for Ashley Graham, Kate Dillon, Crystal Renn and Emme. They are wonderful role models for us and for our daughters.

Hang in there incognito. You ARE making really good progress.

Thinking of you
TN

Thanks everyone for your comments. I am finding the sadness changes intensity. I'm grateful I am just sad. I'm not spinning on what to do or change or fix myself so my mood while sad isn't overly intense or anxious and that is a relief.

BB, thank you for liking me. I'm grateful to my therapist and to people like you who are willing to listen, and understand, and share yourself.

AG, thank you for the inspiring words when I know how busy you are right now. I'll try to hold onto the hope that there is healing beyond the sadness.

R2G, I'm sorry you know the overwhelming emotions too. After my difficult sessions I feel like I'm drowning in the waves. I'm working on learning to surf.

SG, Thank you for the hugs. I think my parents had a very skewed view of size because my mother was extremely thin naturally. I feel conflicting emotions about my parents because they were so critical and emotionally damaging but I think they were that way because they thought it would help (as in we will tell you what you are doing wrong so people in the outside world won't make fun of you).

Liese, I have two preteen daughters and I've tried and succeeded in doing a better job than my own parents but I'm not sure it is enough. I am not a good role model for a healthy lifestyle or modelling self-care. I have tried discussing issues openly. I'm sure you know how difficult it is to deliver a message that is empowering and helpful to your children.

LG, I'm sorry that your mother and brother ridiculed you as well. I think we listened to them because your family are the people who define the world for you. There is a part of me who thinks it doesn't matter how truthful what they said about me was because now it is true and it is the person I am today that is overweight and doesn't take care of myself.

TN, I think I'm moving closer to my T as well. I'm not sure about the handshake. LOL. I'm glad you've come to terms with your size. It helps me to know that it is possible even if I'm not there yet. Thank you for your support.

I hope you are doing ok today, incognito. I'm feeling sorry about the way my reply to you came out, because it didn't say what I intended, and on re-reading it just now, I realized I was writing a lot of it more to myself than to you...I am sorry about that. I need to be more careful posting, as I am in a bad place and should consider more careful before I write, lately. I meant what I said though about you being lovely and me liking you. I hope that is ok.

hugs,

BB

I hope you are doing a bit better today.