Aw, I'm sorry Incognito. I know how frustrating it can be when you feel like your therapy didn't go as planned and you struggle to get the words out. Maybe it would help to spend some time putting it into writing what you want to express.

Hi incognito,

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad right now. When you described your sessions, how you start out talking about "lighter" topics, it sounds like your intention is to "warm up" to what you "really" want to talk about. It reminds me so much of how I was with my last T. Just "jumping in" to the "big" stuff felt SO uncomfortable. Actually, just starting to talk at all felt uncomfortable, because she would always wait for me to start the talking. She never gave me anything to bounce off of. So there were sessions where I definitely felt like I had spent most of the time "warming up"...only to find myself out of time at the end. I never did get very good at "jumping in" in the two years we met, before she moved away last August. But I do just want to say, it sounds like you are doing "good therapy", and it sounds like your T is more than willing to meet you right where you are. Maybe it's just that it takes us a while (some of us a long while ) to figure out how to "be" when all we really have to do is just be ourselves. I do agree with your T that you're putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself. I know I often felt pressure (from somewhere inside) to get it "right". It took me a while to start believing that whatever I talked about could be "right". Maybe one day I will find another T to work with and will learn better how to jump right in to what I want to talk about. I hope you can, too. In the meantime, try to be gentle with yourself.

Hug,
SG

Awww big hugs, incognito.

I've totally been/am there... so I feel your pain.

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It feels like he doesn't have any idea of what to do differently either. It should make it easier to quit and find another T but it doesn't. I feel like I should be able to make therapy work with my T
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(((((hugs))))))

I'm with ya - feeling the same and don't know what to do so no words of wisdom but I hear you and support you!

Can you write it out and let him read it so he knows where you are heading? So its out there already?! Will that take some of the pressure off?

I wish you much success and healing!

LK

Hi incognito... I'm sorry you are so frustrated over this. I also do this at times. Not often but I seem to need warm up time and then (especially with my current T) time is up! And I'm angry at myself and frustrated and scared. I get scared that I cannot "do" therapy the right way and I feel stuck and paralyzed and my anxiety gets ramped up and no good at all comes from this.

A few things that I have realized....first... perhaps I am not yet ready to do abreactive work (the deep trauma processing stuff) and I still need time to develop the trust with my T that he won't abandon me, reject me, or get angry or disgusted with me. So I have accepted that I'm still in stage one which is building the basic trust and comfort with my T. This, according to research, is the longest stage and often the most difficult for those of us who have been badly wounded or abused.

With the help of my T we have realized that I have SO much anxiety when I go in to see him that it blocks me from telling him what I need to. It also blocks the attachment at times... especially allowing myself to feel the care from HIM and allowing his attachment to me. It's so hard to take in his postive feelings for me and I just don't know what to do with them... we are working on this.

So for now, to take some pressure off, we are just doing some background/history discussions. I'm telling him about me, the less threatening things that he does not really know. Some of it is light and some of it are small vignettes of sad/bad times as a child. This allows me to test him and see that he is safe and it also gives him what he needs (informtion) in order to best help me heal.

So maybe you are just being to hard on yourself and expecting too much. It could take years to build to the level of trust where you can walk in and just spill all you need to say. Maybe it's okay for now to just stick to day to day issues and occassionally throw in a vignette from the past. Is there a reason you are pushing yourself so hard? Are you in a rush to get out of therapy? I can understand the need to move quickly if you are in pain but then again, you don't want to overwhelm yourself either and end up in a very dysregulated state.

My T tells me that nothing I tell him is useless or wasted stuff. I'm working on believing that and in believing that it will get easier in time. I wish you could believe that too.

Sending big hugs


TN

((((INCOGNITO)))))

Do you have any idea why you can't get to what you want to talk about? Is it that it's too painful to talk about? Or too embarrassing? Or are you worried about what T will think? Figuring out the reason why you are hesitating might help you develop a strategy to overcome it.

Do you think you are stuck in an enactment? It sounds like you are incredible pain and you can't decide whether to stay or to go. But you feel powerless in any event. Powerless to leave and powerless over what is happening in therapy. You want to feel close to T but something is blocking it. Is that scenario familiar?

Do you like your T on a personal level? Is he someone you would want to meet over a cup of coffee? Or do you feel intimidated by him?

Wanting to talk about something difficult but not getting to it has happened a million times to me too. There have been times when I've literally said to myself, either I get it out today or I quit because there's nothing else to talk about. So, I have gotten better about just jumping into things. Sometimes, I find the small talk is fun and just leads to more small talk so I'm trying to cut it out as much as I can because the small talk can really eat away at the session time. And then I don't get to talk about what I want to talk about. If there is something that I absolutetly need to talk about but am too scared, I've written it down and handed it to T when I get there. That helps a lot because he is always nice and always calm and willing to talk about anything.

A week or two ago, I left T a message re: something difficult for me to talk about because I wanted to commit myself to talking about it in the next session. Is there something you can do to commit yourself to talking about it next session? Even if it's reallys scary? Just force yourself to do it and see what happens? Maybe it won't be as bad as you think it's going to be.

((((((COGS)))))

Good luck. Keep trying. Keep working. You will get there.

Liese

Hey Incognito.

Totally relate to this in every way.

Some of the things my T has done: - we have done therapy in a park, or in her rooms but she sits next to me and not opposite me - both these things have changed the scenery and I have been able to talk more freely.

We have recently decided to change to 90 minute sessions to allow me to settle in and then have more time to talk - so that we avoid the situation you describe. I have had a couple of 90's and they make a big difference.

SD

((((Incognito))))

Hope you can find some patience with yourself... I can relate to the wasted time in session, but you know what? No time is really wasted. Even the small talk and silence is important, cause it shows T where you are and how hard things are at the moment. Just the fact that you show up is showing your commitment and willingness to work, even if you don't talk or talk anything important.

Just offering my support here.

Sometimes I just like to have someone "there" with me as well. It is comforting.

I also see the value and benefit of writing as well. (See post on emails/texting)

Either way,

quote:

I just think I'm wasting time and money.

I've had this feeling....it sucks.

Do you have a goal in therapy, incognito?

I have said to my T several times, "I don't know what to DO here." I have said several times, "What is WRONG with me?" I have several times talked about ending therapy. Finally in the last 4 weeks (with 2 sessions a week) I feel like I know what I am DOING there and what I should do and what I need to answer, for myself. And, what I need T for. Things like that. For me it was because I got her to tell me what was "wrong" with me, so to speak. Really what my unmet needs as a child did to me....I went home and thought about it and now I kind of can't stop thinking about so much....and I see what I need T for, and what I need therapy for....but also, I went back on meds and that has cleared my head (I was quite depressed) (see my own post about that). It took all of January, 2 sessions a week, to get through this stuff. H and I are spending way too much money on therapy and I want it to stop. I know I need my attachment to T to "go away" before I can leave her completely. And, if I do have Bipolar Disorder, I may not be able to completely leave her, ever, as I may need the support, just to stay on meds.

I wanted to send hugs to you <3 I feel your sadness and hope you can keep talking to us here.

((((incognito)))) I'm sorry. I agree with what has been said about the warm up time. We had to go to double sessions, because I often require a normal single session's worth of time to warm up myself. Even still, I'd say at least 2/3 to 3/4 of what comes up in session is linked to figuring out how to feel safe being vulnerable and close to T, the feelings that the therapeutic relationship stirs up in me. And, we've been working together for 17 months, almost a year of which has been two sessions a week and doing double-length sessions since Summer. Yet, it is still hard to share anything with him unless I have emailed or texted first, such that he knows what to ask about...even then it is such a battle to get the littlest things out. Please be gentle with yourself. You're not failing and you're putting an enormous amount of pressure on yourself to feel safe and ready, but those things only come with time and they take as much time as they take, often much longer than we want or ever dreamed they would.

Lots of love to you.

Thank you all for the support. I can’t believe how many other people struggle with talking about what is most important. I appreciate the ideas. I’ve tried some of them before like I often write out what I want to talk about, LG, and then I haven’t brought out my notes or I read them over and am too afraid to talk about what I’ve written. I also have written things out for my T Laura K so he knows what I want to talk about and then I don’t . I would like to try longer sessions but when I’ve talked about it my T has suggested that I will just end up avoiding things for a longer time and then only start talking in the last 20 minutes of a longer session. Once we had a longer session because there was a snowstorm and his other clients cancelled. Yaku, I think it is great that your T is willing and able to do longer sessions with you.

Thanks for the hugs and support SG, effed, Rave, Laura K, number 9. Cat, I’m not sure if I want my consult T and my T to talk. I also haven’t tried to ask consult T how she thinks I should approach some topics with my T. Usually when I meet with my consult T, I feel like I’ve reached the point where I want to quit and I talk to her about why. I need to believe that I’m not wasting time. TN, I think I am pushing myself even though I’m not in a rush to get out of therapy. It just seems like it is taking so long and I can’t see the progress and I get scared and start thinking about how to do things differently.
I hope that you are making progress in getting to know your T and trusting him with a little more of your past. I think I am in a re-enactment, Liese, because what I want to talk about is different at different times but the feeling that I can’t talk stays the same. The reasons change to from being ashamed to worrying about what my T will think. SD, I think it is great that your T is willing to sit beside you and do therapy in the park. R2G, I guess I send mixed messages because I always show up but then I talk about whether there is any point to therapy. Ninn, I know what I want to change but I don’t know if it is possible for me to change.

I sent my T an email last night telling him to ignore my messages because they weren’t helpful. Today he sent me an email asking me if I still felt that way because he didn’t want to ignore them unless I felt like we could start with what I needed to tomorrow night. I called him and we managed to speak for about ten minutes about how I frustrated I felt and some of what I said in my messages. It was helpful to talk to T. Sometimes I think it is easier to talk to T for a short time when I am ready to talk (usually because I’m too upset to contain myself) than it is to sit down for an hour and talk on command.

((((INCOGNITO)))

Even though you question your progress, I can think of two times recently where you and your T were really able to connect. I like how he asked you if you really wanted him to ignore what you wrote. It sounds like he may be learning how to work with you better.

All those thoughts that you have about wanting to talk to T and then not being able to get it out and then feeling frustrated, they are like a really strong piece of rope tied around all the other stuff. That knot wants to stay tied but it's starting to loosen. (Did you see the video Alpaca posted?)

I know you are making progress. You just can't see it from day to day.



Liese