((((((AG))))))))

Many prayers and hugs,

BB

Hey there AG...

(((((AG)))))) I think one thing that you might need to be reminded of right now is that there is no expectation in this by anyone other than you. You have all the freedom and grace from your t and your family and from us. If you call or don't call... if you need another session or if you don't... it's all okay. I think the most important aspect of this is that you feel all the things that are coming up for you. This awful fear and anxiety has to come out if you're going to have successful relationship endings... and that's not something to be overlooked. The goal here isn't getting out the door as smoothly as possible... it's to be able to feel everything, face it, put it where it needs to go and come out the other side.
I know there is little comfort I can offer... little any of us can do... but I hope that you can at least feel like you can keep coming here to talk... even if you just need to virtually sob with us.
Remember, whatever happens Wednesday, there is no judgement required from your inner critic... if you get home Wednesday after your session and need to call him... call. It doesn't mean you're failing at leaving, okay? It is what it is and IMO, all of this is crucial stuff to work through, not just 'get over.' I know you know that, but I hope you'll be able to let the feelings come.... in fact, sometimes my t reminds me of this image she once described to me... imagine yourself like a house next to the beach with a raised foundation... and think of your feelings like the tide... you've worked all this time to build a strong foundation for your 'house' AG, so it's safe to let all these trecherous feelings come wash over you, because, like the tide, they will subside and you will still be standing, strong as ever. It's scary, I know, but you can do this, even if it FEELS like you're going to die.
And may I just point out that I have never seen/heard ANYTHING that makes me think your t will be happy you're leaving... in fact, I'd bet $1000 (check only, sorry, I'm broke lol) he will be pretty darn sad. But he will also be proud, just like you were when you sent your oldest to college, right? Afraid, worried, sad, happy, hopeful, open to her coming to you if she needs you to, etc... I imagine his feeling will be very, very similar to that.

Anyway, hugs to you. Keep chatting here if you need to.

-CT

AG, I am ending therapy shortly so I know where you are coming from although I don't think that it has hit me yet what that means so am expecting the full impact of that to come.

This is a really painful time for you and going it 'alone' without your T is a very scary thought and yet I think you are so brave for handling it the way you are. I hope you do call your T..I am sure he will understand just what you are going through and I hope you can be kind to yourself and allow for what you need to make this any easier.

I don't think you will be letting anyone down if you can't go through with this, it is about YOU and your needs.

I will be thinking of you on Wednesday.

Butterfly

AG

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. It makes no difference that you know that you will be ok, of course you will, but at the moment you don't feel that you will, and that's where the difficulty lies I guess.

I hope you do call yout T AG if the need is there, he will totally understand and maybe (dare I say) be anticipating that you might need to. It is not about being needy, it is about looking afer yourself.

Oh AG you will not be letting anybody down at all, you will just be showing that you are really only human and are, more importantly, talking care of the real feelings stirred up by this. Our admiration for all you have achieved will still remain as before, you have done so much and a few blips at the end are not going to change that....so you might or might not need some more time. Take it if you need it, this relationship is too important to finish on a note that feels not quite right. As for letting yourself down.....no way AG. There is nothing to let down, so cross that off your worry list now!

AG I will be thinking about you on Thursday and hope you can be honest and true to yourself and your feelings, and come away knowing that you have made the right choice - whatever that is for you. Know too we are right behind you. Always.

Big hug from me ((((((((((AG))))))))))))

starfish

Hi AG,

I just wanted to offer my support and ditto what BB and Butterfly said. From the short time that I have "known" you and from reading your posts I think you are so brave.
As Wednesday draws closer and if you feel like you may need more time. Take it. I'm sure your T would not object. He only wants what is best for you. I don't think anybody would think less of you for continuing therapy. IMO I don't think you can put a time table on something like this. Do what you need to do for you.
Also, when you do leave I'm sure your T will have an open door policy if things come up or you need him. It doesn't have to be the end. All of us are still learning and growing. We don't know what the future holds. Take care of yourself and remember all the work you have accomplished.

PG

just a quick hug, and too, ag, i remember trying to graduate from college in the four year time slot i felt obliged to honor, and i did, eighteen gruesome hours a semester my senior year, and for what...no one cared, but me. and i didn't have anything to prove to anyone.

don't feel you are letting anyone down for anything you do. go on wednesday, he is not going away...how i ended with my first t was i just didn't set an appointment for 'next time'...we both knew what i was doing, and a part was avoiding the pain of leaving, and that is ENTIRELY different from you situation...i was NOT graduating, but, i only tell you this for you to 'get it all out' on wednesday, don't set another appt, but know, if you need to come back the door will always be open. go with the intent of ending, if that makes you feel better, or not, whichever, but it seems you want to try to end. so, go with that attitude, but know, in the back of your mind, neither of you is exiting the planet....y'no?? take the pressure off, but i would say, stay with your targetted goal...

hang on, girl, i am proud of you for posting your needs and feelings, and using us for support...good for you, and thanks for the place to hopefully offer you some support. jill

Thank you ALL so very much!!! I don't have much time right now, I'm hoping to come back later, but I read everything everyone wrote and it all helped immensely. Especially all the reassurance that no matter what I choose to do it will be all right.

I called my T. We talked for a whole minute.
He was very understanding, and hearing his voice and that it was ok I was scared and that he was still there, has derailed the panic train for now. Thank you all so much for being there, and hearing me and responding. I really needed to reach out and connect because being on my own was overwhelming. And you all gave me the courage to call my T. I really can't say thank you enough. I'll try to post more later.

AG

Great big hug AG. We're all here for you, and privileged to see part of your journey on this. Keep his love wrapped close around you.

J

many hugs (((((AG))))))

I can totally understand your fears... It's probably next to impossible to believe right now, but you are very capable, AND, I also know that part of being capable is that if you need him now a little longer, or you need him again in the future, its sounds like your T will still be there... and it's ok to reach out and connect with him.

you have done so much hard work - I'm really proud of you for facing this too - leaving and connecting with him when you needed to.

I don't have any real words of wisdom, just know you are dearly loved, just as you are.

Thinking of you and praying for you. <3

I'm glad that you called your T and that you are feeling better right now. I want to echo everything that has already been said. Whatever decision you make, you aren't letting anyone down. It's not written in stone that tomorrow has to be the last session, you can always reach out to your T if you need to. It's ok and it's your decision no matter what you end up doing.

((((((((((AG)))))))))) I'm SO glad you posted here about this...and also really glad you called your T, and that it helped. You're doing this, you're really doing this. And like everyone else has said, he's always there and it's always okay to call or even see him again if you really need to. I'm sorry that you are scared! But as you already know...what a gift to be able to FEEL at all and know you can survive the feelings. And to be able to reach out for help when you need to, and get it. I'm glad that you can feel, and express those feelings - my T would say your feelings are beautiful and full of color (as opposed to a life that risks nothing, which is gray and flat).

I loved Monte's analogy of your crossing a finish line. There is another one that keeps popping up in my mind that I would like to share. My daughter's fondness for Calvin and Hobbes is at least partly to blame for the following imagery. I keep picturing you on a toboggan, hanging on tightly, cheeks rosy red, flying down a hill with the wind in your hair and snow spraying your smiling (and sometimes frightened) face. A rather large bump near the bottom throws you off the sled, but you roll to the bottom, ending up lying on your back and looking up at the blue sky, breathing hard but unhurt. And after a few moments, you begin to make a snow angel.

Much love and hugs to you AG

SG

Sincerely thinking of you/ Actually it is strangely helpful seeing you cognitively talk so knowledgeably about attachment and endings etc and then actually see you FEEL the feelings with all their gut strength. That is where the real immediacy of what is happening can hold such insight and growth.
You have us all supporting you and continuing to support no matter WHAT happens.
Sometimes it unfolds different to what we expected. May it go well, whatever that 'well' may be for your best unfolding.

Thank you all again for the support. I am feeling so much better and clearer today (Full disclosure: I took a 1/2 Xanax last night to make sure I got some sleep and that may be helping to keep me calm today. Better living through medication! ) The support here and talking to my T derailed the triggering. I have been reading my journals in prep for the last session and I ran across a talk with my T when I asked him if he would miss me. During that he said something very interesting to me. That in his childhood, he had “good enough” attachment so although saying goodbye might be sad, it wasn’t threatening. I think what I experienced yesterday was the “threatening” part of my attachment injury legacy. Once those emotions subside, I can clearly feel the connection with my T and trust his care for me and I know that saying goodbye will be sad but it no longer feels like it will annhilate me. So far so good, but check back in a few hours...

CT!!! You came out of lurkerdom to comforrt me! THANK YOU!! And thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to feel whatever I’m feeling. The important thing is to feel the feelings, let them come and learn from them. (OK honestly, didn’t you REALLYenjoy saying that to me? ) I loved the analogy of the beach house, that so describes it. Yesterday was a high tide after a very bad storm at sea. Thank you for believing in my strong foundations. And for your picture of how my T is feeling.


Butterfly,
Thank you for urging me to call my T. Reading what you wrote really helped it be ok to contact him. Which was what I really needed to do. This isn’t about doing something alone, this is about getting my needs met when facing something this difficult.And my T is a legitimate source for meeting my needs. I hope my ending is such that it provides encouragement for the one you’re facing.

June,
Thank you for your unfailing encouragement. And I appreciate what you said about next week. I honestly think this is one of those times where the anticipation is so much worse than the reality. It’s not so much living without steady contact with my T that’s so painful as much as the actual parting. So yeah, I think I’ll feel better when I’m on the other side of it and still here.

BG,
Thanks, and you’re right, it’s still ok to need him. He has made it painfuly clear ( I mean seriously everything short of sky writing, the poor patient man) that his door is open, that I am welcome to come back if I need support with anything. He’s even told me that it’s still ok to call. When I told him it didn’t seem fair as he would no longer be getting paid, he just grinned and told me that if I called too much, he’d probably ask me to come in for a session. I am so blessed to have this man as my therapist.

Starfish,
Thank you, as always, for your understanding and encouragement. And the reminder that if this doesn’t go the way I want it to, that is only proof of my humanity. So much of my work with my T has been accepting that humanity. It would be a shame to let go of that here at the end.

PG,
Thank you for the spport even though we haven’t “known” each other that long. And for someone who’s never met him, you know my T really well. . And I do know this is not the end of my journey. Whether or not my future holds more sessions with my T, I will still continue to learn and grow and change. This is also a beginning.

Jill,
I loved “neither of you is exiting the planet.” A simple but very powerful truth, thanks for the reminder. And thank you for being so willing to listen to my needs and feelings. It’s a very good thing to have somewhere to go when the feelings get so intense.

And your signature verse is very close to my heart right now.


((((Monte)))) That was just awesome! Yeah I was expecting the fear and dread, I just forgot what they’d feel like. As for your description of me, I almost fell off my chair. I can be a perfectionist about my work but othewise I’m this kind of lumbering, unorganized mess. And I used to be so bad at finishing projects that my DH forbade me to buy any more cross stitch kits until one of the one’s that I had started was finished. BUT you were spot on about me wanting a neat, orderly end ot therapy. I have spent so much of my life in my left brain. It’s cool,ordered, calm, logical and best of all, has none of those messy emotions. Do you know what I think was the hardest part of doing this healing? The fact that what I “knew” didn’t matter, or my understanding. I have leaned heavily my whole life on my intellect and to have it rendered almost irrelevant DROVE ME CRAZY. I had to experience the feelings, and actually feel them to get better. It always struck me as a very sloppy system and something I’d like to talk to God about some day. So hear I am at the end, falling back on old behaviors during stress, and trying to avoid my feelings. Thank you for pointing that out with such exceeding gentleness. Thank you for reaching out from where you are right now, and thank you so much for your prayers.

Jomes.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. And for the wonderful advice. I think keeping his love wrapped around me would be a very good idea.


STRM,
Thank you for the encouragement. I can feel your support as such a strong steady presence to lean on.

SG,
((((SG))))). You have such a gift for encouragement and always bring a smile to my face no matter how dark things look. I LOVED the picture of going downhill on a tobbaggan, it perfectly captures both the exhiliration and fear. Especially as flying downhill has been such a powerful piece of imagery in my healing. And who could resist doing a snow angel? It’s the only way to handle being thrown off a sled. Thank you!

Sheychen,
Thank you so much for all your support, I really appreciate the time you’ve taken to reply to so many of my posts. I’m glad that it’s helpful to see both the knowledge and the feelings. Because as I said to Monte above, its in the feelings that the healing takes place. The understanding makes its easier to go there I think but in the end, there’s no escaping the raw immediacy of feeling them.
And I’m kind of bummed I didn’t stick to my usual appt time of 8:30 AM because we would have been going at the same time. I scheduled it for 5:30 in the evening since I didn’t want to have to go to work afterward. But I’ll be thinking of you at my 8:30 and you can do the same at your 10:30 (if you’re still up!) I hope things go well seeing your T after her vacation.

Thank you all again, I really can’t express what all the support has meant. I’ll be back to tell you about the last session when I’m able.

love, AG

MH,
Please no apology! It is a scary topic and besides, your plate's been pretty full. I do understand why this could be incredibly triggering. And I've been feeling bad that I really haven't been responding to you much lately (actually almost everyone!). So there's nothing to forgive.

Thank you for for everything you said, it was very moving to me and I appreciate you taking time to say it all even when it's so scary.

AG

yes, a collective group hug for you tomorrow, ag....((((ag)))))

i hope you sleep well tonight, and tomorrow night! and that you get out what you want to say, your poem, and all the things that need to be said.

we will all be thinking of you, and look forward to hearing how it goes...i would be so shell shocked, that i understand if you are not up to posting right away.

take care, and all the best to you tomorrow! jill

(((((((((((((((((((((((AG)))))))))))))))))))))))

I second that, SG. We're thinking of you AG, and we're all there behind you.

love,
Jones

Hi AG
A total posting newbie here but joined up largely due to you and your open/inspirational/caring/wise postings. My feeling is something maybe wouldn't be right if you were'nt scared!! This is a major leap forward but i can see all on this forum are with you and will be here always. You also appear to have a most wonderful T who will also always be there for you.
Hugs
Morgs

Your posts have already provided me with much encouragement for my own ending.

Am thinking of you and hoping it goes how you want today.

Butterfly

Jill, Jones, SG and Butterfly,
Thanks for all the hugs and encouragement!! It really does help to know you're all behind me.

Hi Morgs,
Welcome to the forums! Glad you decided to post and very honored that your first post was to encourage me. And thank you for all the kind words about my posts, you're off to a great start. You make a very good point about being scared, I can at least relax, knowing I'm getting one thing right. Looking forward to getting to know you.

AG

BB,
OMIGOSH!! I am SO SO sorry! I went back to re-read the thread and when I read yours was bummed that you had edited it, as it was so very helpful, then I looked at my replies and realized I skipped right over yours. I feel terrible as what you said meant so much both for how quickly you responded to my cry for help but also for how clear you made it, that no matter what I choose to do or not do, it would be ok. When I'm writing long replies over a length of time, I actually copy the thread into another editor and then paste when I'm ready to avoid the dreaded "I just typed my fingers off and when I went to post, it disappeared" syndrome. I think when I copied the thread to reply I missed yours. I'm worried that you edited the content because since I didn't reply, you thought you had said something wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth!!! I always so appreciate your responses to me because they always go straight to the heart of the matter for me and provide such clarity. So please accept my apologies for overlooking you.

love, AG

AG,

Thinking of you today and sending you good vibes for peace, courage, strength and anything else that you feel you might need. You are a true inspiration.

Thanks STRM!

You wouldn't happen to have strong enough sticky TAC that I could just hang myself on the wall of my Ts office and blend myself into the artwork, thus finding a way to never leave would you?

AG

Thinking of you today, and sending many warm wishes for a a peaceful session.(((((Ag)))))Also no worries about not responding... I did delete because I was scared that I said something to hurt you at a very sensitive time right now, and that you might feel pressured to respond. I know you would never intentionally overlook someone, AG...that's clear. Thanks for clearing it up...much love going out to you today.

BeeBee

((((((((((((((((((((((((AG))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you today! What is your plan for afterward? May I suggest icecream and the arcade?

I'm also wishing you the best ending session today. I hope that even though it hurts you continue to know it is the right thing for you.

Hi All,

Thank you again for all your support, I'm heading out for my appt in about an hour. I am calmer than I expected to be at this point, but on the other hand every once in a while, I realize I'm holding my breath. I do so appreciate all the thoughts and good wishes for me, it helps tremendously knowing I'm not facing this alone.

AG

All legs crossed for you AG

starfish