Triggering for talk of sex, CSA, and anger at my T.

I'm sorry I've been MIA lately. I've been reading everyone's posts but struggling with feeling I have nothing to offer but negativity. Things have been difficult in therapy even though I think my T is good and he is there for me. I have trouble with knowing what to talk about and in expressing myself. I tend to write emails to my T about things before I can talk about them. The problem is that often my email contains many different things and we only get to talk about a few of them (or one) and I feel like he is avoiding some topics especially when he doesn't bring them up in multiple emails.

Today we spent the first half of my session discussing my 13 year old daughter and then my T switched compeletely and asked about my sex life with my husband. I was surprised because we've discussed it in the past and I struggle with being triggered about my childhood. In the fall my T suggested my husband and I take a break from sex and I got really upset and didn't and we stopped talking about it. In the last couple of months I've brought it up in multiple emails but we haven't discussed it. A couple of weeks ago in an angry email I told him I was upset that he hadn't asked me about it and I thought he was avoiding the topic because I didn't do what he suggested. He didn't even mention after that email. I decided we weren't going to discuss it and I would have to work on it myself or with another T or with a couples T and my husband and I thought I was okay with that decision.

When my T asked me today I got so angry. I said I thought we weren't going to talk about that and he said you thought that but I am not avoiding the subject. I'm perfectly comfortable with talking about it. I said why did you ask me now (meaning instead of all the times I emailed you about it)and he said I just thought about it now with a smile on his face. I just shook with anger and I cried and I realized that I just felt like he had left me alone to deal with it and now he was bringing it up like it was no big deal. We sat in silence for a long time and he told me he was purposely not asking me any questions so I could figure out what I wanted to say. Eventually I said I'm too angry and I don't want to talk about this and he said you don't have to with a smile.

I sat in silence for a while and then asked if he wanted to talk about something else and he said sure but I couldn't talk about anything else because I was so angry and upset. He eventually said maybe it is more complicated than you don't want to talk about it and maybe there is nothing else to talk about because what we are avoiding is casting such a big shadow and he was still smiling.

I tried to tell him I was mad because he ignored all my emails about it and he said he thought I was angry because I didn't feel like I had control about what we talked about and whose responsibility was it to pick the subjects. I said he obviously thought it was mine and thought it was his. I said if I send you an email talking about a disturbing event and you don't mention it you are sending a message that you don't want to talk about something. He said I don't ignore big things in emails or emails with only one topic but if the email has several topics I can't know what is most important to you if you don't tell me. He said maybe we have decide together what to talk about. I said I thought it was too late for that and I meant it which surprised him. He said why we've been talking about what to talk about for 3 years. He just kept smiling like it didn't really matter to him what we talked about or how upset I was, or how alone I felt or anything.

About 10 min. after I left I called his voicemail and told him that he had ignored an email where it was the only topic or he hadn't received it at all. Six weeks ago my husband changed his brand of toothpaste and I was completely triggered and I wrote him and he never mentioned it. I told him it was too bad if he had never got it because I just felt like he had ignored me and my trigger (I didn't tell him what the trigger was in my voicemail). Then I told him I wasn't coming in to my session on wednesday and I would see him when he came back from his vacation because he is away next week. I also told him I didn't appreciate him being amused when I was so upset and I didn't like being laughed at or something like that because now I can't remember what I said.

I haven't heard from him and I don't know if I will because I know he is really busy because he is only working until thursday this week and he has lots of people wanting appointments so I'm sure he will have no trouble filling my spot on Wednesday. I'm so angry and sad at the same time. I didn't expect to be so upset by this but I also didn't expect him to ever bring the subject up. I thought I could do therapy and be okay with him avoiding some things and work effectively on others but it seems like I'm too upset to do that.

That is what is going on with me.