I was somewhat harsh, almost grouchy, in my attitude and demenor in my life offline AND here too yesterday.
This is not an excuse but an explaination as to why I am sorry and why I am concerned I hurt or offended anyone. I faced some very rough medical matters yesterday, and had some old doctor related PTSD triggered big time two days ago and yesterday. My fight or flight stuff got triggered and my “fight” especially started to come up. I also felt the anger part of grief about my own stuff that was going on with the medical stuff. I am pretty darn sure that some of this came across in things I wrote here yesterday, in a sideways kind of way. (as well in otherways in my life offline).
I mean every word I wrote yesterday, (and my ideas may have all be totally off the mark – that’s not new and doesn’t change based on this anger/fight thing that was going on for me yesterday and very likely affected how I communicated things). I still have the same feelings and thoughts even now in a place where that ptsd-fight and grief-anger has been settled out for me (and even talked to someone about it)… and those thoughts themselves may have been hurtful and offensive as is... I'm not perfect and everyone says off things at times, especially me.
Especially for me yesterday. Not just the content of what I wrote could have really hurt, but the tone and the way my anger and stress about other things came out in how I communicated what I was trying to communicate. I wasn't actually really angry or frustrated or feeling in a harsh way towards anyone here or in anything I wrote, but I really am sure that my nager and grouchiness about things going on my life that have nothing to do with this forum or anyone here, totally bleed into things I wrote here yesterday.
*Two side notes:*
- As always, I hope people take anything I say as just my perspective in the moment. And comming from me, someone who is rather messy a lot myself.
- In general, I actually really appreciate negative feedback. It helps me feel more comfortable to know that people would tell if they feel I’m off track, offensive, too harsh, or just plain hurt them, even if they know it wasn’t intentional. I appreciate it and feel grateful when people tell me if/when I’m way off base, *especially( if I was offensive, even if I didn’t mean it, and even if they knew I didn’t mean it – and even if I don’t agree or do agree. It just somehow makes me feel more safe to know that if/when I accidentally step on toes, someone would let me know.
*end of side notes*
Anyhow, while no one has told me I was hurtful to them, I wonder if I was, and I already know my feelings about other stuff in my life offline were affecting *how* I was communicating what I was trying to communicate.
I’m trying to not do what my T says is :thinking for others” and just say hey, if I hurt you, and you feel ok to tell me, please do. I will try to also not assume I have or assume I have not. Yet all the same, worry that I was hurtful (unintentionally, but sill hurtful). I was tense and grouchy and dealing with pstd related fight and grief related anger feelings about stuff that happened in my off line life yesterday and I really think those emotions spilled over here in the mix of trying to communicate. (which is no excuse, just an explanation about why I’m worried it spilled over in what I wrote here yesterday).
I’m sorry. I really am concerned that I expressed the words and ideas that I was trying to say, with anger and other feelings mixed in that were not actually about what I was trying to say here but other stuff in my life. I didn’t do a good job keeping it contained and dealing with it in my own heart. If it came across in my words and tone, I’m so sorry.
I don’t need and I'm not looking for any reassurances that I didn’t hurt anyone. Because even if I didn’t, for me, I still blurred things in my own heart. For me, (not saying anyone else should ever be this way) just for my own sake I should have just posted about my own stuff and not responded to others until I was in a different place. I just feel that would have been good for me. That alone makes me feel like I need to say I’m sorry, part to make myself stop and say whoa, this isn’t what I want to be doing and not what I intended - and I want to acknowledge it to myself. So even if I didn’t hurt anyone else, please let me just say sorry anyhow. It’s part of me just working on owning my own stuff, in the middle of this journey to heal and deal with my own stuff.
If I did hurt anyone, I’m terribly sorry.
If anyone was hurt/offended/confused/anything…. and wants to just let me know (but not talk), or wants to talk about it, or anything at all, I would appreciate it and I’m totally open to it. Please feel free to post here or PM me, whatever feels best for you. If anyone was hurt and just isn’t in a place to let me know right now (or even ever) please just know I am so sorry. I hope in time you can forgive me for my anger and any hurt that I didn’t intend about anyone or anything here, but still came across. I would also understand if you can’t. Thanks everyone for generally being way too gracious with me. Thanks for letting me say this too.
~jane
