((((((((((incognito)))))))))) I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now, feeling so misunderstood and unheard...especially when you are working SO hard in your therapy...when that's happened to me, it has made me feel snarky and hopeless, too.

quote:

I don't know how I go from feeling so supported and connected to ignored and hurt in less than a week.

When I'm attached to someone, when I've risked and shared and cared about them...this is what I experience...it feels a bit like whiplash...I panick at any perceived hint that this is the end that I just KNEW was coming...I guess it's the fear of losing what I think I have...the ups and downs of it are truly awful, and I'm sorry you're experiencing the downside of it right now.

FWIW it doesn't sound like you've driven your T away just yet...it sounds like he's planning on seeing you tomorrow...you said you sent an email saying you'd never be back...could you send him another email to let him know you'd like to keep the session after all?

Let us know how it goes for you tomorrow...I hope you go back to talk things out with your T...but even if you don't, let us know how you are doing...I'll be thinking about you.

Big hugs to you,
SG

My T just called me to cancel tonights session because he was sick. That has never happened in the 2.5 years I have been seeing him. He offered me a session on Friday. I asked him if he had read his email and he said no he was just cancelling so he read it when I was on the phone. Then he said I'm not in a good state to deal with this now maybe we both will be in a better place on Friday to discuss it. I agreed to come in and hung up.

Of course I had to call back and say I was hoping that he could call me when he got back to work because I felt like it was my fault and he really didn't want to see me. How crazy is it that I think he's sick because I was so angry at him? or that he isn't really sick and just told me that to punish me? or that he is seeing everybody else on his schedule except me also to punish me? Except why offer me a session on Friday if he just wanted to get rid of me.

I don't think your T canceling had anything to do with your email. It sounds like he really is just sick.

LadyGrey you're right. He even sent me an email from his phone telling me it wasn't me. It is amazing the lengths my mind will go to to blame myself.

Gosh, (((((incognito)))))) you are going through the mill on this one.

he is there for you and steady for you and sometimes it feels odd in sessions but sounds like he remains steady and available and present for you.

I know it is hard cos our own programming is that people are going to not understand or listen, like 'they have always done' but I like the way you know you are getting caught in old patterns - those old patterns are really strong I find. I can be truly fooled by them and then the T can point it out all over again and help me see I was loosing perspective again and it is never said as a judgement by the T. Hang on in there, hope it goes well on Friday.

Thank you for your support and responses. I woke up today and wondered why I keep doing this. I have been seeing my T for over 2.5 years. He has really consistent and supportive. I trust him as much as I can trust someone. I've talked to him about things I find difficult and he is always there for me in session. He's gone over and beyond giving me a phone session while he was on vacation this summer. He can't always be there for me outside of session which I understand cognitively and yet when he doesn't get back to me I still flip out. I can't cope with the disappointment, not everytime but often.

Honestly do you think it is possible that I can't be helped through therapy? I can't imagine another therapist could be anymore there for me so it. I just can't accept the rules even though they are reasonable. I hate myself when I act like this but I can't stop.

Being let down is hard, even if you cognitively understand the reasons why he has had to cancel..the feelings are different and may go way way back to other times when you were let down as a child or adult. So finally you reach out for someone and trust them....and when you need them most perhaps, they are not there. No wonder it hurts. (((Incognito)))

starfish

Hi Incognito
What unfortunate timing that your T had to cancel i mean really of all the times in the world...

Your last post was fascinating, the beginning bit was like wow, look at you, you are getting the hang of talking yourself down from the edge of the abyss and then the second part swung back into the old familar pattern of self doubt and fear.

But did you see that moment when you were up on your feet and making sense of things and still feeling? You were seeing it really clearly for a moment. So well done, i think that is an amazing step to have taken. I wonder if in the past you have allowed yourself to trust and feel enough to even get disappointed?

It takes a huge amount of effort to change deeply entrenched habitual reactions, and awareness is the first step. Hopefully with time and with the support of your T you will learn how to keep your balance in the storm. Don't give up now, the 'stopping' will come in its time, sometimes our only job is to keep showing up when we most want to run away.

Good luck on friday.
Pandora

(((incognito)))

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I'm really glad to hear that your T called and offered the session on Friday. It really does sound like he is just sick and he even said it's not you, he's just sick. I think it is just going to take time and getting to the root of these feelings before those automatic reactions start to change.

Good luck on Friday!

Hi Incognito
Without wanting to pry, i was wondering how it went with your T and how you are doing?
Pandora

Incognito I have also been thinking about you. You sound SO much like me and the way I think when in therapy. I used to have so many of the same reactions. Going from feeling connected and good and cared for to ... feeling like everything was wrong, he hated me, I was toxic and he wanted only to get rid of me. It was a violent back and forth. It was that "I want to get closer to you... I'm running away" feeling. The problem was in my therapy with OldT he was doing the same thing to me. And so it played havoc with my newly devleoping attachement.

I hope your T holds steady for you and that you saw him on Friday and repaired and had a chance to discuss how you are feeling.

Hugs
TN

Thanks for asking Pandora and TN

I did go to my session on Friday and I wrote him an email letting him know some of the things I was feeling. We talked about some of them. I told him that when I felt like my anger had made him sick I realized I had was spinning out of reality and that it helped me snap out of it. He pointed out that it wasn't really that different than my worry that my feelings (the bad anger and sadness or the good attachment and closeness) would be too much for him and other people. He said it was a difference of degree but not really different and he is right I'm always afraid to say too much.

Then we talked about the difference between trying to control your emotions (which I do) and providing a container for your emotions, letting them exist without trying to control or suppress them. I have a lot of trouble with this concept and during the talk about emotions I admitted that I was struggling with my depression and anxiety.

I feel like I spend almost all my time anxious with a pain in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. The feeling rarely leaves me unless I'm distracting myself with eating or drinking or unhealthy coping techniques. I've had trouble imagining living another 30 years feeling so terrible all the time. My T told me he thought I probably did live with a high level of fear and anxiety because of my childhood and that he was sorry it sucks. This is the third thing he has said to me in the last few weeks that has crushed me. He told me that he knew that I didn't feel safe in therapy (because I'm always worried he goes to abandon me) and I probably didn't feel safe anywhere. Then later when we were talking about feelings I asked him if other people were happy since I struggle mood wise and he said yes he thought most people were happy as a baseline compared to me.

I feel crushed when he says things like that, like I'm broken beyond repair. He asked me to send him an email because he thought what I wasn't saying was important. I was irritated in the session about what he said but when I left I got furious which is what keeps happening. I can't be angry at him when he is there. I sent him a pretty bitchy email asking if all he learned in T school was how to destroy defence and diagnose losers and didnt' he have hope or plans for change. I called him later in the afternoon to apologize for my email and we spoke for a few minutes but I don't remember what we said and I don't really know why we are bothering. I have an appointment tomorrow.

TN, I have always identified with you as well. We have a lot of similar reactions to therapy. My T is very consistent and steady. He has never been as openly caring and supportive as old T was with you (and I was often envious). For example, he's never said he liked me or given me a compliment. He implies he cares but he keeps very clear boundaries, doesn't contact me unless I contact him and only during office hours.

Obviously I wanted to talk about this because this post is very long. I'm feeling quite uncertain about therapy at all. I'm considering medication for my mood which I've been struggling to avoid (I've been off any meds for a year). I'm considering giving up, doing nothing and accepting that I'm really only living for my children and I'm not capable of healing or being happy. I just want to be clear I'm not talking about giving up living just my hopes my life improves.

Hi Incognito
I have a very dear friend who says the same thing, that the only thing that keeps her going are her children. It is a very painful place to be in and that anxious pain in your chest is horrible, I have had that but not at the momnet and never for extended periods of time. I so wish i had something useful or helpful to say, and i'm really sorry that i don't.

Happiness is so elusive, it comes and goes and i was just thinking is that at least by knowing most people have a happier baseline than you, you can have some hope that it doesn't have to always be like it is for you now and that it can get better. It is such a vicious circle to be trapped in, the friend i mentioned, feels bad and overeats and feels worse and gets ill and feels worse and eats...It is heartbreaking to witness.

Your words, 'a broken loser' were very powerful to read and you know i am going to have to disgree with you about that. The thing is you are giving far to much power to the critical judgmental part of yourself when you really should be giving it a smack on its bottom and telling it to keep quiet becasue it doesn't know what it is talking about.

Oh my goodness, i have just had a thought. You know i get this a lot, i will be a little annoyed at something someone says but then afterwards i work myself up into a right lather about it. For a long time i was confused about which one i was, Jekyll or Hyde but the more i spoke up in anger the worse i felt about myself. It was all very confusing

I learnt one very important thing in therapy that eased some of this for me. I learnt how to recognise that inner critical voice and ignore it and this is the important bit, BECAUSE IT IS NOT REAL. It is also not helpful, it is not kind, it does not make me feel good. it is not who i want to be and IT is completely useless. The voice, not me, that was the learning, that that voice wasn't me, and didn't always know best, though believe me, it certainly gave the impression of being absolutely true and right.

You can't trust that voice Incognito, i hear your T empathising with your suffering, giving you hope by saying it can get better, that it is possible and you hear, 'broken loser'. So you realise, this means you are actually fine and just have a teeny internal hearing problem, that needs to be adddressed.

Pandora