I struggle sooooooo very much with this myself, Lizzygirl. In fact, I've finally figured out that I think, I am being triggered pretty badly by his lack of "direction" as I see it. But I think I am starting to figure out that it's exactly what I need to learn how to do...and slowly my T is teaching me how, by simply waiting for me to speak up, no matter how difficult and painful it is for me... I think this is one of the main lessons they seem to be teaching all of us... it must be a strategy, but for myself it's an awfully painful one that leaves me feeling terribly alone and uncared about..of course this may not be how you experience it, at all...but I'm wondering if you shoudl try to discover and talk over with your T, how it makes you feel, that it seems you have to direct? And ask simply, why? Maybe some of this could help...

Hope you are ok...I know how painful it is to feel as if they aren't interested enough, to ask, to open... but I don't think that's really what it is. I think there is something deeper going on, that he probably is trying to teach you how to do.

I hope this helps a bit...

BB

Lizzygirl that’s exactly the question I’ve had to ask myself time and time again during my bouts of therapy with various Ts. I’d be so frustrated most of the time because it seemed like Ts never did anything to help me, just sat there and let me waffle on endlessly and boy can I waffle.

I always think to myself, how the hell difficult is it for a T to ask simple questions, such as, in your case, something like ‘do you want to tell me more about your dream?’ I hear that their premise for not asking questions is because that may not be what’s on your mind in that precise moment in session and if they are directive it apparently imposes their agenda on your therapy, and may not be what you need. Harumph! I really believe there’s a place for direct questioning in therapy and that leaving it ALL to the client to ‘direct’ and use the time as they want often leads to massive time wasting and incredible frustration.

Do you think your T is open to suggestions from you like the one you mentioned in your post, about getting him to ask you before session end whether there is anything you want to talk about? Some Ts seem quite open to following specific suggestions, others however can be downright bloody minded about it.

But in answer to your question - I’d have to say that it sounds very much like your T is expecting you to direct your sessions, and maybe that’s a healing thing too, because if you find it difficult to ask for things for yourself then having to be more specific about what you need and want to talk about can only be good for you in the long run. Sigh it’s a truism, but true nevertheless that the thing you fear rhe most is the thing you most have to do.

Lizzygirl, hope you do manage to find the courage to be more open about what you need and want from your T - it’s scary but can be so liberating too.

LL

quote:

Sometimes I attribute this holding back to apathy or laziness on T's part. And that thought, in turn, gets directed back at myself, as in "What's wrong with me that T doesn't care to actively engage?" Or I will even think its a sign that I must not have good enough reasons to be in therapy because otherwise it would be obvious to me what we should be talking about every moment of every session.

OMG!!!! MH, I think I must you and you me...sheesh...that is EXACTLY verbatim, what I sometimes think, too. He just didn't care enough to even review his notes, I'm not important enough client, I don't deserve to be here because my issues are not severe enough...he wants to be rid of me...gosh, I really realte.

quote:

She ALWAYS starts out "what would you like to talk about". It drives me crazy that she says it because I don't like to start conversations. I could sit there all session and not say a word.

PG, I have even TOLD my T that it makes me unable to talk, and he just does it all the more! What the heck IS this??

quote:

I’d have to say that it sounds very much like your T is expecting you to direct your sessions, and maybe that’s a healing thing too, because if you find it difficult to ask for things for yourself then having to be more specific about what you need and want to talk about can only be good for you in the long run. Sigh it’s a truism, but true nevertheless that the thing you fear rhe most is the thing you most have to do.

Amen, Lamplighter...

It's got to have something to do with this. the "tough love" approach I imagine. I hateitIhateitIhateit, too, Lizzygirl!

BB

Oh, gosh, MH...you and me both. I get so embarrassed when I think, sheesh, I have such a problem opening up and just talking naturally and maturely about my stuff...and most of that is probably because I don't have much of a past to "impress" him with, should it ever go there. It's like some part of me really believes deeply, that *if only* I was severely treated (which in some ways I was, but that's pointless to pursue since for me, it never seems severe enough to warrant being cared for by this all-important, bigshot guy.) It's like I really believe on a deep level, that my ticket to being cared about by my therapist, is how much trauma I've endured. Not "enough" trauma = not enough care will be given, he will be bored, and all the rest.... So I think I hold out telling him stuff about my past out of fear that he will yawn in boredom...(which gosh he actually did, once! ) and that will mean "You do not deserve to be cared about by me, go away, the way you were treated is not that big a deal, I've seen much worse...you big wimp, go away, grow up, deal with it and move on" Lately I've been thinking about this tendency with a lot less judgemnetal attitude, and more compassion towards myself. I keep thinking, well, here I have this out-of-all-proportion attachemtn to my T. And I obsess about him constantly. I wish so much more than anything else for moments of connection with him, and care. And yet the thing I long for the most is alos the thing that I am blocking somehow from happening all the time, by simply being unwilling or unable to *ask* for what I need. when he says *ask for what you need* to my mind that means *another session, what I need to talk about, etc...things that are within the norms of our relationship. Every once in awhile, I dare to wonder...could he possibly, possibly mean...that I should ask for say...a photograph of him, or some other physical acknowledgement that our relationship is real to him, too, and not just me. Or some tenderness and compassion and to see me as good and reflect that to me in his dealings with me...?? I can't believe that is what he would mean, but I know deep down that is what I really need, and desperately am longing for from him, and from my dh, and from others...it just seems to good to be true. I think he must mean, ask for sessions and such like that. Which I also, oddly, have a hugely hard time asking for...so it's too scary to risk feeling ridiculous and totally rejected again in asking for some of this other stuff. Been there done that, not going to purposely put myslef in a situation to re-experience all those feelings of rejection all over again. The transference already gives me quite enough of those feelings, without begging for more, thank you very much!

WTF is that?

BB

Go for it, MH...! I'm not sure I'm ready to share this one with mine yet. I don't think he'd get it, maybe. Erm, I think he would really think, I think, I don't need to be in therapy, and he would agree!! Let me know how it goes!

You still there, Lizzygirl?

BB

PG- it certainly does feel that way at at times, doesn't it?

BB

Well, maybe my T is right that I should direct more because he goes off on tangents about other patients which he usually has a point eventually, but on my clock. I dont think he should do that or self disclose as much as he does. I want more focus on me. But I dont want to be rude and not act interested in what he has to say, especially when he starts talking about his family.

this doesn't sound too good...can you tell him all of this? Gosh, I think you need to...are you feeling brave enough to say it, Lizzygirl?

BB