Im sorry you are going through this! I understand where you are coming from as I have a history of abusing pain killers and anxiety meds. Really, I would abuse anything that would work to make me feel different. I am not 1 month clean of pills and 2 months clean of alcohol. I go to a celebrate recovery program but did that on my own long before I was willing to admit I had a problem with those things, I was going just for the self-injury which I will get my 1 year chip next month for.

I get so frustrated when my P or T give the ultimatums. I just want to yell at them and tell them "how do you think that is going to help? If I dont do it exactly your way then you are going to send me out there all on my own to do it all by myself? Do you not realize I cant do this on my own which is why I am screwing up and cant you just be happy that I was honest about it?" But I also know what they are telling me is the right thing to do, I just wish they could get me to do it without constantly threatening to stop seeing me. It seems like now that I get that threat every single session and some times in between session and I am not sure how it is going to help me. I guess it does get me to do what they want me to do and what is in the long run the best thing for me.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in any of this! I have done every thing you mentioned and get the ultimatum constantly. I am actually on one right now where if I contact my P for any other reasons than meds within the next three weeks than he is not going to see me anymore. I am scared to death of loosing the one I love so I am sure I will do the right thing and not contact him, but getting told that just makes me want to contact him and talk to him about it and try to make everything okay so that we can both be happy.

I think all the time of just running away to somewhere that no one knows me at all, not taking any meds, not telling anyone of my past and just go on living like there is nothing wrong and never has been anything wrong. Just forget the problems all together. I would go to an island but this codependency and needing to be around other people to feel okay would kill me....not sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing right at this time.

Hi mlc -

I'm so sorry that you're here in this situation - it must feel awful. Sometimes I keep things from my husband because I have such a strong sense of how the little part of him will be hurt, and it's a horrible feeling. I know deep down that keeping things from him doesn't really protect him, though. And I also know that when I do stuff that sucks, that would hurt him, it's because the little part in me has had enough and is upset and acting out. So big hug for your little part. You don't deserve pain.

When I read your post I was thinking about little kids and what they need. I guess they don't need the people around them to be perfect - but they do need for relationships to be repaired when they get broken. And I was also thinking that your partner has a grown-up part too, and that's a resource for you both as you get through this. You are (thankfully) not the only adult in the relationship, and you don't need to do it on your own.

Take care... good luck with letting her know, and please keep posting here to help you through, if you think it might help.

Thanks Pippi and Jones for your thoughtful replies...just to give you an update...I'm leaning toward telling my partner about my taking her pills--primarily because I don't want to not see my T anymore(not necessarily because it is the right thing to do .) Although, I feel really angry with my T right now(even though she only is asking me to do the right thing!)...sigh...I feel sick to my stomach..all of my feelings just seem so wrong--rage at my T, especially. I also feel strong urges to restrict lately(I have a history of anorexia nervosa)...anyway, thanks again for your caring....Sincerely, mlc

Right now the important thing is that you are going to tell your partner not the reason behind it. I have to tell my husband when I screw up and its not because I want to or I know its the right thing to do but because I know that I am getting an ultimatum from someone whom I dont want to loose. And if that is what keeps me doing the right thing I think that is all that is important. I do believe that some day I will get to the point that I will be doing the right thing just because its the right thing to do but I am not there yet. It takes time to get there and thats okay. I get the same way with the sick to my stomach feeling when I have the feelings or anger at my P. Any time I get mad at him I feel like the feelings are wrong and that I should not be having them. But thats why my old psychologist keeps telling me I must work through the feelings. Even though I am angry and think about not seeing him I know that I couldnt go through with it because I love him so much so I must continue to see the one I am feeling so angry with and work through that anger. I keep getting told that is the hardest part of transference to work through or the hardest time to stay in therapy but the most important. I am not for sure about that but because I trust the man who is telling me this completely with every thing in me, I am going to give it a shot.

I never was anorexic but I used cutting as my form of self-injury and have been fighting the urge to go to it right now while I am so angry at my P. But I havent given it yet. I hope that you are able to stay away from the old habits as they will not really help (they only feel like they do) and will actually cause more problems in the long run.

Good Luck!