Today I sent my T a text. I asked him if I was just a number, a client, a case, a file and that I was that as a child patient for years in the hospital having skin grafts and I don't want to be a thing that people 'attend' to and then walk away. I was really blurting stuff out. [I do that sometimes, it is like a release valve, and he is safe enough and has proven to be safe enough, for me to do it.)

"I don't want to be any of those to you. I don't want to be 'I attended to case 13". I want to be a real person.

I am not even sure what I mean by that. All I know is that it if FULL OF FEELING."

Then when I realized that I was coming across all cross and annoyed, I wanted to say: I am not really mad at you because I feel safe/trusting/warm towards you.

BEcause I was wide open, I texted the truth:

"I LOVE YOU REALLY BUT I AM STILL CROSS WITH YOU."

And sent it.

OOOOOPS.

I mentioned the 'love' word.

I am SCARED and intrigued too.

He just texted back to say that there was a lot in my text and he was sorry I was struggling. I see him tomorrow.

I know it was not WRONG of me to say I love him. I do love him. How can I not? He listens, is caring, feels for my pain, is there for me consistently, is safe, respects me, is sweet and kind. Of course I am going to feel love. I have a heart. but to SAY it?!?!?!?!?!?!?

well 'text it' to be accurate

I KNOW therapists get twitchy when you mention the L word.

But it is ALL about love.

If he didn't feel love for me and me for him, I don't think this therapy we are doing would work.

So maybe I have just forced this discussion about love more out in the open.

Still I feel strangely nervous and scared of seeing him tomorrow.