((((((((Echo))))))))

Wow, Echo, this is really tough stuff. Finding out your ex-P is gay, and that his daughter looks just like you, has got to be profoundly disorienting, to say the least. I know the tendency is to beat yourself up…but seriously, how could you possibly have seen that coming? You had no responsibility to figure anything out. And I don’t see why he would fake an attraction to you in order to stay in the closet. Considering that he has a daughter, he might very well not be gay, but bisexual. So I don’t think you were delusional at all. Your perceptions of mutual attraction could still have been entirely correct within this new knowledge. It also allows for him to be confused and uncomfortable, not because of your feelings, but because of his own. Can you imagine?

And I don’t mean to offend you with this next part, because I know how fond you are of your ex-P. The subconscious reaction you had to his voice just blew me away. You really must have had a very deep connection to him for it to have had that effect on you. But in the interest of trying to get you to lay down that hammer you’re using on yourself, I really want to insist that he had a responsibility to handle this better than he did, whatever the explanation. I can understand it must have been hard for him to figure out what to do, but still, that doesn’t mean it was up to you to figure all of it out. I don’t say that because I think you should be mad at him, or hold a grudge, or judge him, or whatever…I just want to encourage you to stop beating yourself up.

As for your latest T – remembering things about you from session to session seems like a pretty obvious expectation, so I can understand why you’re fed up. There is so much you are dealing with right now, Echo. I don’t know whether you will have this emptiness in your soul for the rest of your life – all I can say is, I have felt that way before, and although it seems like it will last forever, it has lessened over time. But it does not help that you have to keep running into him – that helps keep it fresh and on the surface. If it’s not feasible to try another T, I hope you can deepen your friendships like you said, so you can get some connection and support.

Lots of hugs,
SG

quote:

Originally posted by echo:
I think this time it really was because he was speaking to his daughter. The tone he used with her was just like his therapy voice. It was so tender and kind.

That almost made me cry. I’ve always imaged that my T would talk to his children the same way he talks to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t have children yet, since I think he just got married recently. But it makes me wish he was my dad.

It’s so strange because I feel like this wouldn’t happen anywhere else besides in the therapeutic relationship. Whenever I tell my T how I'm feeling about him it’s always a mix of wanting to sexual with him, wanting him to be my father, my friend, my uncle… anything really. Just as long as I can know him outside of therapy. You’re definitely not the only one who has some “weird mixed-up daddy issue going on”, Echo!

I can really empathise with a lot of this. I have a very big kind daddy issue going on and it really means a lot to me to be held by a kind father figure. I have had one therapist 20 years ago be a good father figure to me and then the next one abused his position of trust and got attracted to me and used me - I got him struck off. Then for the last year I have had a lovely woman T who started holding me about two months ago and suddenly I am opening up and remembering and feeling a lot of the stuff that brought me to therapy. And then two weeks ago I met a man on a camp who was older, 64, and so kind and we just go on well and it was fun, he is gay and knows I am married and we had so much to talk about it but the third day I woke up realising I was desperately wanting him to hold me, that I see him as a Daddy figure so I told him this, cos it was complicating things for me and he was not shocked, he handled it so well, but obviously had no idea he was dealing with a traumatised three year old. And he did hold me and hug me and we are still in touch via email. but it feels weird. For some reason it has some sexual edge to it, and I have always worried that I tried to make my Dad attracted to me, maybe that is normal unconsciously in daughters, and that the false therapist, fell in with this, and then this Daddy figure, is so charged for me, just hearing his voice on my recordings of his work is really soothing and very lovely, and yet, of course he is male. I don't think I am saying anything useful except that it helps to KNOW that we have all sorts of confused feelings around men and father figures and it is a therapists job to keep the boundaries and keep us safe and make sure we are okay. If they ARE attracted to us, they cannot make any use of that and have to sort it out in supervision. It is not their 'fault' but it is their 'fault' if they act on it.

Hiya, echo...there is definitely something to the whole daddy and mixed up with romance thing...I've thought a lot about this, because I have same issues...though I don't "let" it go there in therapy, I am somehow able to keep the attraction thing at bay. But I have ALWAYS had a huge thing for older (and I mean OLD) men. In fact, I used to worry, because when I was younger I could not feel any attraction sexually for boys, and then young men my age. But I always had a huge major crush/friendship/transference I guess thing going on with some or other old guy. I wondered if we develop sexually based on how daddy treats us, and if daddy is "in love" with us (in the good sense, then we are able to develop a healthy sexuality based on real attraction and not on trying to get some old need to be protected filled. Is our sexuality intimately connected with love, in the sense that we connect it unconsciously to how we need (or needed in our case) to be loved? In any case, I think you are doing the right thing to try and sort all of this kind of stuff out in therapy. I know how sad it is to miss your T...I miss my T every day, and I am (so far) still in T with him. I'm sorry for the pain you are in. ((((echo))))

BB

and welcome to the forum, Sheychen!

I think you made some very good points, BB! I’ve never been attracted to anyone my age. I prefer guys to be at least in their mid thirties or older- and I'm only 19. I was always worried what was wrong with me too- when all my friends had boyfriends and I couldn’t force myself to even entertain the thought of dating someone my age. All stuff I’m trying to figure out!

I miss my T every day too!
In the tibetan tradition, they believe that a girl chooses her birth family based being attracted to the father and a boy on being attracted to his mother.
I just might bring up my muddled feelings aruond my Dad in therapy tomorrow

COUNT ME IN! Yes- sheychen-(and welcome!)
also known as the audipal complex..(?)

I work A LOT with these bound in therapy. My transeference are so formed by it, and sometimes it almost feels like a parody that i have developed such alike feelings for my T as i once did with my father.
I guess Freuds "law" are very much present in my Therapy room