Hey folks,

I haven’t been around much lately so I hope all of you are doing well. I’ve had a down day. I’ve been going to a new T for the past month and she has been great at letting me talk (and cry) about my transference issues with my former marriage T. My new T has been on vacation…or actually planning her daughter’s wedding so I haven’t bothered her with any emails. I think not talking about this for three weeks is why I’m so down today.

I don’t feel like thinking rationally tonight. I know there can be no relationship between me and my former T. I understand why I grew close to her and wanted to see more of her…and know more about her. But tonight, I just don’t care. I am retreating to the safe and painful place where my former T means the world to me. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could see her….actually, whoa, ok…here is another reason why I’m not doing so well tonight.

This just hit me when I said, “I wish I could see her”…I saw my former T at the public pool this past weekend. And for people who are dealing with the kind of transference I’m dealing with, seeing your T in a bikini doesn’t help. I don’t know if she saw me. This was so unexpected and I was so caught off guard. I was standing knee deep in the pool, looked up and she was standing right in front of me, looking at me. I quickly turned away and tried to convince myself that that was somebody else. So I’ll let you be the judge if she saw me or not. We were 4 feet apart.

Anyway, saying this last part, I am able to laugh a little but seeing my former T in a bikini is not what I miss. I miss talking to her. I miss opening up in hopes that maybe she’ll open up to me too. And occasionally, she did. But only to emphasize a point. Because our sessions ended so abruptly (me telling her that I saw her more as a friend and the following week she ended individual sessions) I never got to say everything I wanted to say. And at the time, I didn’t know everything I wanted to say. But I’m clearer now. Given the chance I would tell her that she is so important to me. And I will always care deeply for her. And I will never forget her. She will always be an important part of my life.

My former T/marriage T has invited me to come back for couples counseling because my wife and I are having real problems. In my session a few weeks ago, just before my new T went on vacation, she advise me to never go back to my marriage T for couples counseling OR individual because it would be too painful and not do me any good. My rational side knows she’s right. But I’m not rational tonight so…One day I would like to go back and convey all these important thoughts. I also want her to know that her asking me to leave hurt me deeply.

I needed to get all this out tonight. I don’t have another session for over a week from today so I still have a ways to go. Thanks for reading.

-Stuck