Good luck with tomorrow, I suspect it will be affirming and beautiful
AG,
Just wanted to send warm wishes and hugs. I know that feeling of fear you speak of and it stinks. But I also know in my heart that the minute you arrive in his office and see him, you will be embraced by his caring and all will be well.
Thinking of you today.
Liese
Just wanted to send warm wishes and hugs. I know that feeling of fear you speak of and it stinks. But I also know in my heart that the minute you arrive in his office and see him, you will be embraced by his caring and all will be well.
Thinking of you today.
Liese
I'll post a full report later 
but I just wanted to say that the appointment was amazing, my T was his usual wonderful boundary ninja self, I feel SO much better and I'm really glad I went. And totally shocked that it wasn't hard to leave, because now I really KNOW, on a gut level, that I can go back whenever I need. I LOVE that man (even if he won't be anything BUT my therapist.)
Thanks again for all the support everyone!!
love, AG
but I just wanted to say that the appointment was amazing, my T was his usual wonderful boundary ninja self, I feel SO much better and I'm really glad I went. And totally shocked that it wasn't hard to leave, because now I really KNOW, on a gut level, that I can go back whenever I need. I LOVE that man (even if he won't be anything BUT my therapist.)Thanks again for all the support everyone!!
love, AG
AG,
Can't wait to read the full report, but I'm so happy to hear that it went well!!! Yay for you and your T!
Can't wait to read the full report, but I'm so happy to hear that it went well!!! Yay for you and your T!
quote:I have struggled so much with this boundary...and yet, I'm learning to appreciate that having a T. I CAN love, and who LOVES ME in that wonderful, boundary-full, T.-way is a gift. He means more to me than any friend, and he fills a different role.
If he moved over to the friend side, I would lose something very valuable.
This is the only thing I love about the boundaries. My T has reminded me many times that most of her personal relationships are not as intimate as our therapeutic relationship. Helps me feel grateful for what I have with her.
AG!! Soooo glad you got what you hoped for!! Looking forward to the long version.
seablue
Can't wait either for the full report. So glad it was what you wanted and more. you're an inspiration to us all.
hugs,
liese
hugs,
liese
I'm standing in line too, waiting with baited breath Well done AG, we need a few cheery stories here too 
starfishy
Well done AG, we need a few cheery stories here too starfishy
so glad it was good,
Thank you all again for all the support and well wishes, you are all awesome. I really appreciate everyone celebrating with me, especially knowing that so many are in difficult places right now.
So, the full report you were all crazy enough to ask for. (Thank you!)
The day proved interesting. I am always bragging to friends about the Syracuse area, that yeah, we get a lot of snow, but that's ok, we have the plows to handle it and it really doesn't slow us down. Man, did I have to eat those words on Tuesday morning. We got slammed with a dump of snow right before commuter traffic and it looked like there wasn't one snow plow out. My daughter left for school before I left for my appt and I got a text from her telling me things were a mess and leave as early as possible. So I left the house as soon as possible and had 50 minutes to get to the appointment (well forty, because I like to get there on the half hour, but my T opens the door at 40 past. Gives me time to get my head together. I was being really careful because I knew I was going to be activated and nervous and wanted to be able to calm down before the door opened). It's normally a 25 minute drive. So I head out and the roads are absolutely awful. Top speed was like 20-25 mph. I turned onto a road on my route that is about four or five miles until an intersection where I have to turn to get on the highway and as soon as I turn on I hit bumper to bumper traffic which extended for that whole way. It took me 10 minutes just to get to the intersection. So I'm thinking ok, things are tight, but as long as the highway isn't too bad, I can make this. So I hit the corner finally and things are fairly clear. Then I got on the entrance ramp and the highway is bumper to bumper. And it was bumper to bumper all the way to the exit I needed to take 10 miles up the road. I ended up texting my T "the roads are bad, traffic is worse, be there ASAP." But then I realized I was running so late, that we would need to reschedule because by the time I got there, the session would be close to over (which turned out to be accurate, the drive took me 1 hour and twenty minutes!) so I called his service and told them I was his 8:30 but wasn't sure when I would get there. They called his back number but there was no answer so I left my cell number. I was trying not to melt down, figuring it would be another week before I could get an appt, because the roads were so bad, I thought I should stay calm. My T called my cell phone about five minutes later and after I said hello, I told him that we would probably need to reschedule. He asked if I had gotten his text and I hadn't, then he told me that he had a cancellation at 10:30 and would that work for me. Oh frapulous joy! I told him it definitely would and I was pretty sure I could make it by then. He laughed and said see you soon. The phone call really helped because he sounded very warm and his normal self, and it meant a lot that he knew I would really want to come in and it felt ok that I was coming in.
At that point, I realized if I headed for my office, by the time I got there, I would have to just leave, so I kept going towards his office and went to a coffee shop nearby and grabbed some coffee. So I showed up at his office my normal ten minutes ahead of time. It was a little weird because it felt so normal to be there and no way it had been over four months while at the same time feeilng like it had been forever.
My T opened the door (as usual!) and invited me in. Everything felt normal actually which was just incredibly reassuring. He was still him, his office was the same (ok one potted plant had grown which I pointed out and my T looked at it, laughed and said "you're right, it is bigger."). I don't know why I expected major changes in four months, I think it was part of the fear that he wouldn't be the same, but it really was all the same. I must confess that I immediately looked for my cross stitch on the wall and my heart box on his table and both were still there.
We sat and I asked how he had been and he said fine. I was grinning like an idiot and told him it was really good to be there and I just wanted to sit for a minute. He was smiling also, and told me to take my time. I told him that I was a little embarrassed after all we had been through to get here, but I wasn't quite sure why I came in. He was fine with that. Then I was like, and of course, I emailed you when you were on vacation, thanks for getting back to me.
I talked to him about being sick at Christmas and how that had triggered me and how all the work hours had allowed me to avoid the grief for a while but that it had gotten really intense and that I really missed him. That I had really debated whether or not to come in but finally starting wondering why I was trying to be such a hero, that he had made it clear that it was ok to come in. That in the end I wasn't completely sure but i was going to treat it as a "hill" and go over it and see what was on the other side. (It was an analogy we used a lot). That I was trying to pay attention to how I was feeling and figured either I would decide it was a mistake but could learn from that how to handle it next time or it would be really helpful but either way, it could be a good thing. He very much agreed.
He was very reassuring that it was really ok and very understandable that I would want to come in, that needing to check in with him made total sense from an attachment perspective. BTW, I did tell him that everyone on the forum missed him. He laughed and looked very pleased.
We spent a while talking about what it had been like for me to be away from therapy.I told him about experiencing be able to integrate a lot of what I had learned. That a lot of my skills were still pretty new and I needed to be conscious about them, but getting to do them on my own was helping them to feel more natural. That I felt like a kid who just had their training wheels taken off. I was really wobbley but I also realized that I wasn't falling over. I also talked about the fact that as long as I was seeing him every week, it felt like he was the reason I could do things in a new way. That I didn't see it as coming from me until I was away from him. I really appreciated that he understood how I was feeling. I even talked about being shocked at how it wasn't nearly as different as I expected. That things didn't change all that much, that instead of talking to him in his office, I was just talking to him in my head. That unconsciously, I had still been heading to that perfect place so that when things got difficult and it felt like I wasn't dealing as well as I "should" have been, I realized that what we had talked about so many times was still true. That life would have ups and downs but I could trust my ability to handle it. So of course things wouldn't just be blissful and always under control just because I had decided to leave therapy.He was very affirming about my experience. It really helped me to be ok with where I was and how I was handling things.
I was able to tell him how much I had missed him. That it wasn't so much therapy I missed but being able to have that deep, face to face connection. That I had to work to find the relationships and time to experience that outside of therapy.
I also told him that I thought one of the most important things about leaving was that on some level that although I thought I had grappled with and accepted the boundaries of therapy and mourned not being able to get what I had missed as child, that the hope lived on that if I proved that I could finish therapy and leave and be ok, that I would pass the "test" and he would pick up the phone and say "well done, let's be friends." That only by leaving and having him actually allow me to leave and having nothing changing and experiencing the boundaries were still in place, and he was still my T was I able to realize that therapy really was it. That part of my grief about leaving was having to once again let go of that hope. He very much agreed, and actually complimented me on being so honest. He talked about how you could believe that it was still possible to not have experienced the loss, which would leave you still looking to find something that was impossible to find. I was very grateful for that part of the discussion because I think it had felt like I was doing something wrong to still be feeling that, that I had already dealt with that, why was i still having these feelings. He really expressed that it made total sense and was actually a very important part of our work. I think the best way to describe it was that I felt like despite how I can feel sometimes, I'm very much on track.
I was also able to talk to him about my work on the phone line and how much I was enjoying it and learning from it. I told him that part of the reason I loved it so much is that by the end of a shift, I often felt very close to him. That it was during the phone shifts that I experienced so much of what I had implicitly learned from him. That I would end a call and think "how did I know what to do" and realized that I had learned it from watching him work with me. He was incredibly gracious and cut me off at the pass. He wouldn't allow me to believe it was all him, but it was also what I had inside me, things I had learned elsewhere, things he had learned elsewhere. It was very affirming that he saw some of it coming from within me. We also talked about boundaries and keeping your balance. I told him about a really rough shift that I had recently and that it triggered some pretty deep pain so that I ended up thinking I was too wounded to do this work. But I realized that no one was perfect, we were all wounded. He looked very pleased to hear that.
We talked boundaries and neurobiology and attachment and did some looking back. It was wonderful. I had expected to really fall apart and it never happened. I think the weirdest thing was that when we started I actually looked at him and was like "oh dear, I have to cover four months, I'll never fit it all in." But I ran down probably about 3/4 of the way through the appt. And I looked at him and said, I have less to talk about than I thought I did, and I mean that in a good way. He smiled and then said that it was ok not to talk, that I was still communicating even when i wasn't talking. So we sat for a few minutes. It was wonderful and deeply satisfying to experience that sense of connection and know that the intimacy was still there.
Near the end we talked about the checking in and he mentioned "my trademark 15 sec phone calls" He made it really clear that my contact had been very appropriate and feel free to call or email if I needed to and that I was welcome to come in any time. There was this very slight sense of panic near the end because I knew I was saying goodbye again, but then it was REALLY ok, because I also knew that I could come back. Sorry, I didn't just KNOW, I had experienced that it was ok to come back when I needed. BTW, Jones, we talked about how important the ending had been that it was an ending to that phase of our work, but that it wasn't an end of the relationship. Since I was quoting you I thought you should know.
So we got up and my T headed for his appointment book and then pulled up short. So I shook his hand and told him I would call again if I needed to see him and he said "good." Then I said something I probably shouldn't have, but it was fun!
When I first told my T about being attracted to him, he had told me stories (actually a few different times) about clients who had really strong feelings of attraction for their therapists, finished therapy and a number of years later, ran into their therapists and thougth "what was I thinking? How could I have found him attractive?" I do want to stress that my therapist recognized my feelings as real, but he was also aware that the setup in therapy could contribute. So as I was heading out the door and walking past him (he always holds the door open and closes it after me) I looked at him and said "I definitely came back too soon." He gave me a quizzical look and I smiled and said "you're still looking pretty handsome." There was this brief moment of shock, then he burst out laughing and said "thanks for that." He managed to look both very pleased and very embarrassed at the same time. I know it was evil of me, but I quite enjoyed it. So I told him to take care and headed out the door.
I'm really glad I went, It's really good to know he's still there if and when I need him. I know it's going to get painful again and that I still have grieving to do, but I really do know I'm going to be ok also. Still hate the damn boundaries I must admit, but I also know how important they are. I think I get closer to really accepting them every day.
Thanks for listening, it means so much to have somewhere to speak of this with people who understand.
AG
So, the full report you were all crazy enough to ask for. (Thank you!)
The day proved interesting.
I am always bragging to friends about the Syracuse area, that yeah, we get a lot of snow, but that's ok, we have the plows to handle it and it really doesn't slow us down. Man, did I have to eat those words on Tuesday morning. We got slammed with a dump of snow right before commuter traffic and it looked like there wasn't one snow plow out. My daughter left for school before I left for my appt and I got a text from her telling me things were a mess and leave as early as possible. So I left the house as soon as possible and had 50 minutes to get to the appointment (well forty, because I like to get there on the half hour, but my T opens the door at 40 past. Gives me time to get my head together. I was being really careful because I knew I was going to be activated and nervous and wanted to be able to calm down before the door opened). It's normally a 25 minute drive. So I head out and the roads are absolutely awful. Top speed was like 20-25 mph. I turned onto a road on my route that is about four or five miles until an intersection where I have to turn to get on the highway and as soon as I turn on I hit bumper to bumper traffic which extended for that whole way. It took me 10 minutes just to get to the intersection. So I'm thinking ok, things are tight, but as long as the highway isn't too bad, I can make this. So I hit the corner finally and things are fairly clear. Then I got on the entrance ramp and the highway is bumper to bumper. And it was bumper to bumper all the way to the exit I needed to take 10 miles up the road. I ended up texting my T "the roads are bad, traffic is worse, be there ASAP." But then I realized I was running so late, that we would need to reschedule because by the time I got there, the session would be close to over (which turned out to be accurate, the drive took me 1 hour and twenty minutes!) so I called his service and told them I was his 8:30 but wasn't sure when I would get there. They called his back number but there was no answer so I left my cell number. I was trying not to melt down, figuring it would be another week before I could get an appt, because the roads were so bad, I thought I should stay calm. My T called my cell phone about five minutes later and after I said hello, I told him that we would probably need to reschedule. He asked if I had gotten his text and I hadn't, then he told me that he had a cancellation at 10:30 and would that work for me. Oh frapulous joy! I told him it definitely would and I was pretty sure I could make it by then. He laughed and said see you soon. The phone call really helped because he sounded very warm and his normal self, and it meant a lot that he knew I would really want to come in and it felt ok that I was coming in. At that point, I realized if I headed for my office, by the time I got there, I would have to just leave, so I kept going towards his office and went to a coffee shop nearby and grabbed some coffee. So I showed up at his office my normal ten minutes ahead of time. It was a little weird because it felt so normal to be there and no way it had been over four months while at the same time feeilng like it had been forever.
My T opened the door (as usual!) and invited me in. Everything felt normal actually which was just incredibly reassuring. He was still him, his office was the same (ok one potted plant had grown which I pointed out and my T looked at it, laughed and said "you're right, it is bigger."). I don't know why I expected major changes in four months, I think it was part of the fear that he wouldn't be the same, but it really was all the same. I must confess that I immediately looked for my cross stitch on the wall and my heart box on his table and both were still there.
We sat and I asked how he had been and he said fine. I was grinning like an idiot and told him it was really good to be there and I just wanted to sit for a minute. He was smiling also, and told me to take my time. I told him that I was a little embarrassed after all we had been through to get here, but I wasn't quite sure why I came in. He was fine with that. Then I was like, and of course, I emailed you when you were on vacation, thanks for getting back to me.
I talked to him about being sick at Christmas and how that had triggered me and how all the work hours had allowed me to avoid the grief for a while but that it had gotten really intense and that I really missed him. That I had really debated whether or not to come in but finally starting wondering why I was trying to be such a hero, that he had made it clear that it was ok to come in. That in the end I wasn't completely sure but i was going to treat it as a "hill" and go over it and see what was on the other side. (It was an analogy we used a lot). That I was trying to pay attention to how I was feeling and figured either I would decide it was a mistake but could learn from that how to handle it next time or it would be really helpful but either way, it could be a good thing. He very much agreed.
He was very reassuring that it was really ok and very understandable that I would want to come in, that needing to check in with him made total sense from an attachment perspective. BTW, I did tell him that everyone on the forum missed him. He laughed and looked very pleased.
We spent a while talking about what it had been like for me to be away from therapy.I told him about experiencing be able to integrate a lot of what I had learned. That a lot of my skills were still pretty new and I needed to be conscious about them, but getting to do them on my own was helping them to feel more natural. That I felt like a kid who just had their training wheels taken off. I was really wobbley but I also realized that I wasn't falling over.
I also talked about the fact that as long as I was seeing him every week, it felt like he was the reason I could do things in a new way. That I didn't see it as coming from me until I was away from him. I really appreciated that he understood how I was feeling. I even talked about being shocked at how it wasn't nearly as different as I expected. That things didn't change all that much, that instead of talking to him in his office, I was just talking to him in my head. That unconsciously, I had still been heading to that perfect place so that when things got difficult and it felt like I wasn't dealing as well as I "should" have been, I realized that what we had talked about so many times was still true. That life would have ups and downs but I could trust my ability to handle it. So of course things wouldn't just be blissful and always under control just because I had decided to leave therapy.He was very affirming about my experience. It really helped me to be ok with where I was and how I was handling things. I was able to tell him how much I had missed him. That it wasn't so much therapy I missed but being able to have that deep, face to face connection. That I had to work to find the relationships and time to experience that outside of therapy.
I also told him that I thought one of the most important things about leaving was that on some level that although I thought I had grappled with and accepted the boundaries of therapy and mourned not being able to get what I had missed as child, that the hope lived on that if I proved that I could finish therapy and leave and be ok, that I would pass the "test" and he would pick up the phone and say "well done, let's be friends." That only by leaving and having him actually allow me to leave and having nothing changing and experiencing the boundaries were still in place, and he was still my T was I able to realize that therapy really was it. That part of my grief about leaving was having to once again let go of that hope. He very much agreed, and actually complimented me on being so honest. He talked about how you could believe that it was still possible to not have experienced the loss, which would leave you still looking to find something that was impossible to find. I was very grateful for that part of the discussion because I think it had felt like I was doing something wrong to still be feeling that, that I had already dealt with that, why was i still having these feelings. He really expressed that it made total sense and was actually a very important part of our work. I think the best way to describe it was that I felt like despite how I can feel sometimes, I'm very much on track.
I was also able to talk to him about my work on the phone line and how much I was enjoying it and learning from it. I told him that part of the reason I loved it so much is that by the end of a shift, I often felt very close to him. That it was during the phone shifts that I experienced so much of what I had implicitly learned from him. That I would end a call and think "how did I know what to do" and realized that I had learned it from watching him work with me. He was incredibly gracious and cut me off at the pass.
He wouldn't allow me to believe it was all him, but it was also what I had inside me, things I had learned elsewhere, things he had learned elsewhere. It was very affirming that he saw some of it coming from within me. We also talked about boundaries and keeping your balance. I told him about a really rough shift that I had recently and that it triggered some pretty deep pain so that I ended up thinking I was too wounded to do this work. But I realized that no one was perfect, we were all wounded. He looked very pleased to hear that. We talked boundaries and neurobiology and attachment and did some looking back. It was wonderful. I had expected to really fall apart and it never happened. I think the weirdest thing was that when we started I actually looked at him and was like "oh dear, I have to cover four months, I'll never fit it all in." But I ran down probably about 3/4 of the way through the appt. And I looked at him and said, I have less to talk about than I thought I did, and I mean that in a good way. He smiled and then said that it was ok not to talk, that I was still communicating even when i wasn't talking. So we sat for a few minutes. It was wonderful and deeply satisfying to experience that sense of connection and know that the intimacy was still there.
Near the end we talked about the checking in and he mentioned "my trademark 15 sec phone calls"
He made it really clear that my contact had been very appropriate and feel free to call or email if I needed to and that I was welcome to come in any time. There was this very slight sense of panic near the end because I knew I was saying goodbye again, but then it was REALLY ok, because I also knew that I could come back. Sorry, I didn't just KNOW, I had experienced that it was ok to come back when I needed. BTW, Jones, we talked about how important the ending had been that it was an ending to that phase of our work, but that it wasn't an end of the relationship. Since I was quoting you I thought you should know. So we got up and my T headed for his appointment book and then pulled up short. So I shook his hand and told him I would call again if I needed to see him and he said "good." Then I said something I probably shouldn't have, but it was fun!
When I first told my T about being attracted to him, he had told me stories (actually a few different times) about clients who had really strong feelings of attraction for their therapists, finished therapy and a number of years later, ran into their therapists and thougth "what was I thinking? How could I have found him attractive?" I do want to stress that my therapist recognized my feelings as real, but he was also aware that the setup in therapy could contribute. So as I was heading out the door and walking past him (he always holds the door open and closes it after me) I looked at him and said "I definitely came back too soon." He gave me a quizzical look and I smiled and said "you're still looking pretty handsome."
There was this brief moment of shock, then he burst out laughing and said "thanks for that." He managed to look both very pleased and very embarrassed at the same time. I know it was evil of me, but I quite enjoyed it. So I told him to take care and headed out the door. I'm really glad I went, It's really good to know he's still there if and when I need him. I know it's going to get painful again and that I still have grieving to do, but I really do know I'm going to be ok also. Still hate the damn boundaries I must admit, but I also know how important they are. I think I get closer to really accepting them every day.
Thanks for listening, it means so much to have somewhere to speak of this with people who understand.
AG
AG thanks for sharing that and for the chuckle at the end. I'm so glad you "experienced" the reality that he is still there, still the same wonderful T and that you could go back ... and leave and go back when the need is there.
I'm sure he loved seeing you again and hearing about all the wonderful things you are doing and how well you are managing. And you still make him laugh which is good.
Thanks for telling him that we all miss him because that is the truth!
Hugs
TN
I'm sure he loved seeing you again and hearing about all the wonderful things you are doing and how well you are managing. And you still make him laugh which is good.
Thanks for telling him that we all miss him because that is the truth!
Hugs
TN
Oh AG! I just loved reading that. Thank you for sharing. I felt like I was right there in the room with you and I even teared up at one point. Thanks for the laugh at the end, that's great. I'm so glad that it went so well and that you had this experience. You rock! (well and so does your T!)
I'm so glad that it went so well and that you had this experience. You rock! (well and so does your T!) 
Dear AG,
What a wonderful read. I've been looking forward to this, and it was very satisfying indeed to see you go through the *experience* of that fundamental truth - that you are welcome there, that you can be secure in the foundation of all that work you completed together, and that he is still your T - the connection is intact.
Wow, this is an incredible insight. I don't think I've ever really understood this in this way before, and it's slippery and hard to hold on to. It seems to say that actually in fully experiencing the loss you actually finally become able to have a new beginning, a way to look forward instead of back. Woah, gotta slow down on this one as it's too much for me!!
LOVED that you had reason to quote me but most of all I loved this part:
All I can say about this is how beautiful. It speaks of a wonderful fine attunement. Soul food.
Proud of you at this special moment, AG - you did GREAT.
Love,
Jones
What a wonderful read. I've been looking forward to this, and it was very satisfying indeed to see you go through the *experience* of that fundamental truth - that you are welcome there, that you can be secure in the foundation of all that work you completed together, and that he is still your T - the connection is intact.
quote:He talked about how you could believe that it was still possible to not have experienced the loss, which would leave you still looking to find something that was impossible to find.
Wow, this is an incredible insight. I don't think I've ever really understood this in this way before, and it's slippery and hard to hold on to. It seems to say that actually in fully experiencing the loss you actually finally become able to have a new beginning, a way to look forward instead of back. Woah, gotta slow down on this one as it's too much for me!!
LOVED that you had reason to quote me
but most of all I loved this part: quote:He smiled and then said that it was ok not to talk, that I was still communicating even when i wasn't talking. So we sat for a few minutes. It was wonderful and deeply satisfying to experience that sense of connection and know that the intimacy was still there.
All I can say about this is how beautiful. It speaks of a wonderful fine attunement. Soul food.
Proud of you at this special moment, AG - you did GREAT.
Love,
Jones
Wow AG
How incredibly moving - thank you for sharing so much!! I believe I can feel the *shimmer* is fully back around your heart again!!
Enjoy!!
Morgs
How incredibly moving - thank you for sharing so much!! I believe I can feel the *shimmer* is fully back around your heart again!!
Enjoy!!
Morgs
quote:I also told him that I thought one of the most important things about leaving was that on some level that although I thought I had grappled with and accepted the boundaries of therapy and mourned not being able to get what I had missed as child, that the hope lived on that if I proved that I could finish therapy and leave and be ok, that I would pass the "test" and he would pick up the phone and say "well done, let's be friends." That only by leaving and having him actually allow me to leave and having nothing changing and experiencing the boundaries were still in place, and he was still my T was I able to realize that therapy really was it. That part of my grief about leaving was having to once again let go of that hope. He very much agreed, and actually complimented me on being so honest. He talked about how you could believe that it was still possible to not have experienced the loss, which would leave you still looking to find something that was impossible to find.
Like Jones, this bit was deeply meaningful to me. thank you for sharing that.
Also the bit about not needing to talk. That was great.
I chortled at the end comment by you, it is just the thing I say, when most mischievous. It made me laugh out loud. He was tickled by it too.
It is so good to hear how sound he is and how stable and solid in his caring too.
I think you and your T and your reporting of the sessions are helping so many people. Thank you AG.
Dear AG, just popping my head out of lurkdom for a minute, to let you know i read your (wonderful) poster and i am so very very glad for you. Yes- indeed we have missed your T (love the fact that you told him that even forum have missed him!)
and LOL- i think it was awesome that you told him he still looked pretty handsome!
thank you for sharing so carefully from your session with us. Quite moving actually that you do so!
Love
(love the fact that you told him that even forum have missed him!) and LOL- i think it was awesome that you told him he still looked pretty handsome!
thank you for sharing so carefully from your session with us. Quite moving actually that you do so!
Love
I am so happy you were able to have such a good experience and feel his continuing care for you
Thank you so much for sharing.
Butterfly
Thank you so much for sharing.
Butterfly
quote:I also told him that I thought one of the most important things about leaving was that on some level that although I thought I had grappled with and accepted the boundaries of therapy and mourned not being able to get what I had missed as child, that the hope lived on that if I proved that I could finish therapy and leave and be ok, that I would pass the "test" and he would pick up the phone and say "well done, let's be friends." That only by leaving and having him actually allow me to leave and having nothing changing and experiencing the boundaries were still in place, and he was still my T was I able to realize that therapy really was it. That part of my grief about leaving was having to once again let go of that hope. He very much agreed, and actually complimented me on being so honest. He talked about how you could believe that it was still possible to not have experienced the loss, which would leave you still looking to find something that was impossible to find. I was very grateful for that part of the discussion because I think it had felt like I was doing something wrong to still be feeling that, that I had already dealt with that, why was i still having these feelings. He really expressed that it made total sense and was actually a very important part of our work. I think the best way to describe it was that I felt like despite how I can feel sometimes, I'm very much on track.
this is so beautiful and both sad at the same time. So real and honest...touching and authentic and in some ways gives me comfort to know that one can terminate and come to these realizations, but it is also sad to me and sort of makes me grieve the loss of my own T long before we've even terminated. Sigh. It was a good post though...and I love your phrase "frapulous joy!" Totally captures the essence of the entire post. So glad you were able to get what you needed from your reconnecting with T, AG.
AG
Thank you for sharing all that, it was such a pleasure to read. I cannot add much to what was written, but I am so glad that you had such a positive meeting that just confirms that belief in yourself that tells you how far you've come. I love your quip with him at the end, caught him off guard for a moment Laughter is so important in therapy,
Well done AG,
starfishy
Thank you for sharing all that, it was such a pleasure to read. I cannot add much to what was written, but I am so glad that you had such a positive meeting that just confirms that belief in yourself that tells you how far you've come. I love your quip with him at the end, caught him off guard for a moment
Laughter is so important in therapy, Well done AG,
starfishy
AG,
Just wanted to add to the chorus, a couple of days late. I feel a warm glow from your post that you must be feeling since you've seen your T. It's warming me up down here. What a beautiful relationship the two of you have.
Just wanted to add to the chorus, a couple of days late. I feel a warm glow from your post that you must be feeling since you've seen your T. It's warming me up down here. What a beautiful relationship the two of you have.
Hi All,,
Thank you all for such lovely responses, I'm sorry it's taken so long to get back here and respond. Just never feels like there's enough time to write everything I want to write.
TN,
Thank you, I always love what you think about what my T is thinking. And how could I NOT tell him that you all missed him, I was worried I'd be lynched if I didn't bring it up.
STRM,
Whenever you say you teared up, I feel like I just got a 10.0 from the Russian Judge. I joke, but it's very meaningful for me to know you were so touched. And I have to agree with you that my T rocks! (I'm still a pebble. )
Jones,
I'm really glad that the insight into the loss was so powerful for you. In some ways, that was really what lay at the heart of my therapy. I am very grateful that my T understands it so well, because I believe that's where he draws his strength to hold such clear boundaries. And it really was the key to moving on. Thank you for your joy for me. And to know that you are proud of me will keep me walking tall for quite some time.
Morgs,
Thank you. And it's back, but it's more like a blinding glow rather than a shimmer. I'm not sure if the feeling will stay, but the sense of connection is even more solid now.
Sadly,,
Thank you for all your kind words. And I would agree, that was me at my most mischievous.
It's a good feeling to know it was ok to tease him a little. And I appreciate you saying that you thinking it's helping a lot of people. That really makes me feel like all the hard work and pain were more than worth it, if good can come out of what happened to me.
Froggy,
It's lovely to hear from you, I've missed you. Thanks for popping out of lurkdom to respond to me. And I appreciate the thanks for my sharing, but honestly, I appreciate everyone's patience in listening to me. I love to be able to go over everything that happened, not to mention having it here to read later. This community is such a gift.
June,
Thank you. I loved what you said about it being a relationship to treasure forever. That is just a perfect description. As much as I can get frustrated and even grieve over the boundaries, I also carry a very deep awareness about what an incredible gift this relationship has been and how deeply it has blessed my life. I gladly give up that which I could never have, to experience what I have with him. I also very much agreed with what you said about the boundaries being such a sign of care. They can often feel like the exact opposite of care but I am glad that as we moved through the work, I was able to experience them as sign of deep care and understand their utter necessity. It can feel a little odd sometimes to have so many different feelings about the boundaries, but they all make sense so I'm trying to just let it be.
Monte,
That was just so lovely, and a perfect description, thank you so much.
Permafrost,
That was a wonderful picture you had in your mind and the peaceful atmosphere part was quite correct. However, I live in Syracuse and it was February, so no sunlight. But I love the lights in my Ts office. His office is in an older home that was converted to offices and he is on the second floor at the front of the building while the parking lot and entrance are around the back. The building is on the corner and as I turn into the street, I see my Ts lamp on and know that he's there and I'll see him soon. I love that glow. And I have to agree with you, I think it was the right decision too.
Butterfly,
Thank you so much. I know how you are struggling right now which makes it especially generous of you to be happy for me.
BG,
I could ask for no higher praise than for my post to be described as a satisfying read. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Ladygrey,
It's a difficult truth to come to terms with and I can understand how it could make you feel like you're grieving for something that hasn't happened yet. I do want to assure you though, that you won't need to face it until you're ready to and strong enough. And I'm glad you liked frapulous joy, sometimes you just need to steal a line from a jabberwocky to fully convey the moment.
Starfish,
I really did catch him off guard for a moment and I must say, it was quite delightful since the shoe is almost always on the other foot. Just a little bit of payback. And you're right, laughter is important in therapy, especially for me. I use laughter alot to cope, and to connect to people and to get through the darker moments and I am really glad that my T made room for that. There's a small landing that is a waiting room for the three offices on the second floor just outside my Ts door and when I left a woman was waiting for her session (I'm not sure if she was waiting for my T or the one next store) and she had a beautiful collie dog with her. I really love dogs so I asked if I could pet her and when I leaned down to pet the dog, the woman said that her dog had really perked up when she heard me laughing. And I told her it was a four month checkup and it was good to know he was still there and she most definitely agreed. It was a lovely grace note and made me think of that horrible morning when I sat outside his office and was so hurt and jealous when I heard another client laughing with my T and how different it felt now. I was very glad that the woman waiting was much more generous in her response than I had been.
There has been some sadness here and there, I miss him, but overall, this felt like a very good idea. I feel even more secure about him being there and available and more sure about how I'm doing. I've run back and touched his knee and smiled up at him and now I'm going to run off again and see what's out there.
AG
Thank you all for such lovely responses, I'm sorry it's taken so long to get back here and respond. Just never feels like there's enough time to write everything I want to write.
TN,
Thank you, I always love what you think about what my T is thinking.
And how could I NOT tell him that you all missed him, I was worried I'd be lynched if I didn't bring it up. STRM,
Whenever you say you teared up, I feel like I just got a 10.0 from the Russian Judge.
I joke, but it's very meaningful for me to know you were so touched. And I have to agree with you that my T rocks! (I'm still a pebble. ) Jones,
I'm really glad that the insight into the loss was so powerful for you. In some ways, that was really what lay at the heart of my therapy. I am very grateful that my T understands it so well, because I believe that's where he draws his strength to hold such clear boundaries. And it really was the key to moving on. Thank you for your joy for me. And to know that you are proud of me will keep me walking tall for quite some time.
Morgs,
Thank you. And it's back, but it's more like a blinding glow rather than a shimmer.
I'm not sure if the feeling will stay, but the sense of connection is even more solid now. Sadly,,
Thank you for all your kind words. And I would agree, that was me at my most mischievous.
It's a good feeling to know it was ok to tease him a little. And I appreciate you saying that you thinking it's helping a lot of people. That really makes me feel like all the hard work and pain were more than worth it, if good can come out of what happened to me. Froggy,
It's lovely to hear from you, I've missed you. Thanks for popping out of lurkdom to respond to me. And I appreciate the thanks for my sharing, but honestly, I appreciate everyone's patience in listening to me. I love to be able to go over everything that happened, not to mention having it here to read later. This community is such a gift.
June,
Thank you. I loved what you said about it being a relationship to treasure forever. That is just a perfect description. As much as I can get frustrated and even grieve over the boundaries, I also carry a very deep awareness about what an incredible gift this relationship has been and how deeply it has blessed my life. I gladly give up that which I could never have, to experience what I have with him. I also very much agreed with what you said about the boundaries being such a sign of care. They can often feel like the exact opposite of care but I am glad that as we moved through the work, I was able to experience them as sign of deep care and understand their utter necessity. It can feel a little odd sometimes to have so many different feelings about the boundaries, but they all make sense so I'm trying to just let it be.
Monte,
quote:All any of us would wish from our Ts post-(successful)therapy is just what you have...their wise voice in our head, their warmth in our heart and the reassurance that they will welcome us for a face-to-face when we need it. Or even just desire it.
That was just so lovely, and a perfect description, thank you so much.
Permafrost,
That was a wonderful picture you had in your mind and the peaceful atmosphere part was quite correct. However, I live in Syracuse and it was February, so no sunlight.
But I love the lights in my Ts office. His office is in an older home that was converted to offices and he is on the second floor at the front of the building while the parking lot and entrance are around the back. The building is on the corner and as I turn into the street, I see my Ts lamp on and know that he's there and I'll see him soon. I love that glow. And I have to agree with you, I think it was the right decision too. Butterfly,
Thank you so much. I know how you are struggling right now which makes it especially generous of you to be happy for me.
BG,
I could ask for no higher praise than for my post to be described as a satisfying read.
I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Ladygrey,
It's a difficult truth to come to terms with and I can understand how it could make you feel like you're grieving for something that hasn't happened yet. I do want to assure you though, that you won't need to face it until you're ready to and strong enough. And I'm glad you liked frapulous joy, sometimes you just need to steal a line from a jabberwocky to fully convey the moment.
Starfish,
I really did catch him off guard for a moment and I must say, it was quite delightful since the shoe is almost always on the other foot.
Just a little bit of payback. And you're right, laughter is important in therapy, especially for me. I use laughter alot to cope, and to connect to people and to get through the darker moments and I am really glad that my T made room for that. There's a small landing that is a waiting room for the three offices on the second floor just outside my Ts door and when I left a woman was waiting for her session (I'm not sure if she was waiting for my T or the one next store) and she had a beautiful collie dog with her. I really love dogs so I asked if I could pet her and when I leaned down to pet the dog, the woman said that her dog had really perked up when she heard me laughing. And I told her it was a four month checkup and it was good to know he was still there and she most definitely agreed. It was a lovely grace note and made me think of that horrible morning when I sat outside his office and was so hurt and jealous when I heard another client laughing with my T and how different it felt now. I was very glad that the woman waiting was much more generous in her response than I had been. There has been some sadness here and there, I miss him, but overall, this felt like a very good idea. I feel even more secure about him being there and available and more sure about how I'm doing. I've run back and touched his knee and smiled up at him and now I'm going to run off again and see what's out there.
AG
quote:I feel even more secure about him being there and available and more sure about how I'm doing. I've run back and touched his knee and smiled up at him and now I'm going to run off again and see what's out there.
Okay... this is seriously bringing tears to my eyes. What a simply beautiful image.
Hugs
TN
I'm a little late to the party, but I am so happy for you that it went so well. Happy that you were able to see him without the disappointment of having to reschedule. Happy that he was steady for you. Happy that he was still good-looking. And I really liked this part:
Of course we all know that a lot of this wisdom and strength comes from within you! You are the sage of this forum. But you do have some of your T inside too. And I imagine that must be very comforting to know that you carry him with you always now. That will never disappear.
And I really liked this part:quote:I was also able to talk to him about my work on the phone line and how much I was enjoying it and learning from it. I told him that part of the reason I loved it so much is that by the end of a shift, I often felt very close to him. That it was during the phone shifts that I experienced so much of what I had implicitly learned from him. That I would end a call and think "how did I know what to do" and realized that I had learned it from watching him work with me. He was incredibly gracious and cut me off at the pass. Big Grin He wouldn't allow me to believe it was all him, but it was also what I had inside me, things I had learned elsewhere, things he had learned elsewhere. It was very affirming that he saw some of it coming from within me.
Of course we all know that a lot of this wisdom and strength comes from within you! You are the sage of this forum.
But you do have some of your T inside too. And I imagine that must be very comforting to know that you carry him with you always now. That will never disappear.