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22 replies

I must be freakn' crazy!

riverriverMember
I can't believe what I did today. I stayed home sick today which gave me a lot of time to mull things over. I keep coming back to my frustrating session Monday night when all I could do was answer "I don't know" to all of my T's questions. When I got home that night my feelings about the session and all the stuff I should have said during it came rushing out and I wrote as much of it down in my journal as I could.

Well a couple of weeks ago my T suggested that instead of pressuring myself to talk maybe it would be easier if I wrote things down and emailed them to her so she could read it before our next session. (BTW this was the first I'd heard about her taking emails from clients.) So today with all of this extra time on my hands I decided to give this a try. Since I couldn't think of anything eloquent to write I decided to give her my raw reaction to our session Monday night. Yes, I did it! I copied word for word my journal entry from Monday night and sent it to her unedited. EVERY WORD! Eeker I must be completely out of my mind. It's the cold I have. It must be seriously clouding my judgment.

I can't remember the last time that I have been this completely honest and vulnerable with anyone. Maybe sometime in High School when I felt immortal and believed I could trust my friends with anything and everything. OK, so you are saying that this is a good thing. This is what therapy is all about and I must agree on some level because I did send the email. But now I am getting nervous. Now, I am wishing I had at least read through it once before sending it. There are one or two things that I don't know if I am ready to admit. This must have been Little Sister's idea. She isn't really scared of anything.

I guess I have been inspired by my fellow posters here at Psych Cafe that have been so brave in telling their T's how they honestly feel about them. Your courage is amazing to me and apparently contagious as well. I'll know Monday night whether or not to thank you for it.
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janejaneMember
RIVER,
cool.i'm impressed. at least it's OUT and not inside in that dark, buried place anymore. and now your T has it to help you work through it--as well as some time to sort through it for herself before she and you deal with it together. do you feel lighter? i'm sure the anxiety is there, but it may really be a "breakthrough" good luck.
justme 2justme 2Member
River,

I have felt the exact same way when I’ve given raw exposure to my T. There is nothing more frightening and in turn nothing more reassuring when you see they are still right there and have not changed because of it. (Unlike our girlfriends in school they won’t gossip and make fun of us behind our backs.)

So many times I exposed and surrendered my feelings so spontaneously then I wished I could retract them later. Now I often read my journal entries to her or at least excerpts. The entries about my intense feelings and desires for her were even received with such warmth and compassion that when I later froze at my impulsion to tell her “too much” remembering her warmth radiated deeply enough to overcome the cold fear of any possible rejection.

So I hear you. I hope you are feeling more ok with it. I know this too is an up and down process. I really admire and notice a difference in you River. You are becoming very brave and more assured of your own self.

JM
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
River,
You are one gutsy woman. God doesn't even read my journal. Smiler But, I really do think you did the right thing. I am totally familiar with that sick feeling of "wow, I shouldn't have done that." Every time I call my T while I wait for his call back I become completely convinced that I shouldn't have called and he's going to be really irritated and angry for me calling. Never come close to happening. He's always very reassuring and most often, tells me it was really good that I called. Your T will be able to hear you and accept how you're feeling and I think it will be a real breakthrough.

I once read that in therapy the job of the client is simply to come and talk about anything and everything so that the therapist has the information they need to help you see your unconscious. We cannot know ourselves outside of the context of a relationship. So you did exactly what you're supposed to. And it's going to be ok.

Please let us know how it turns out. In the meantime, I bow to you, o brave one!

AG
riverriverMember
I couldn't sleep last night. Today my stomach is in knots. It might be my cold or the email or both. Thank you for thinking I'm brave. I don't feel brave, I feel stupid. I should have waited until Friday to send the email so then I wouldn't have to wait so many days until my next session. Anyone have a dark closet I can hide in?
riverriverMember
I think my T has a bit of a sadistic streak. How do I know? Because she is killing me! I asked her to respond to my email when she read it so that I'd know she got it. It has been over 24 hrs and I haven't received any response from her. I told her she didn't have to say much just that she's read it. I know that she is a complete technophob but I am assuming she can hit "reply."

Yes, I am still feeling anxiety over this. I have all day. The thought of four more days feeling this way is extremely unattractive. If I don't hear from her by tomorrow I am going to call. I guess I just need to hear that it's ok. I need to know that everything is going to be ok. You have all been so encouraging but I want her to tell me that I did a good thing and that we'll talk all about it on Monday. So, I will call her tomorrow if I have to otherwise I am going to have a miserable weekend.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
River... you are amazingly brave. And all those feelings that you are experiencing are perfectly normal. We all feel that way after barring out souls to our T's. I would tell my T something scary in session and then leave and be horrified at what I told him. Things that I never told anyone. And so I would send him a panickly email telling him that I'm feeling very uncomfortable at how much I told him...that I was able to tell him things I never told anyone and that I was freaking out. He was so comforting. He wrote to me that change and growth is always scary. But that I was strong and courageous for telling him. He said that he could understand that it was scary to make myself so vulnerable.

This is exactly what you are going through. You have made yourself vulnerable to your T so that you can grow and change. You took a huge step and risked being so open. This is progress and it's good. Pat yourself on the back. You will be met with acceptance and understanding from your T. It will feel wonderful and then you will be able to tell her more and more.

Just hang in there. We all know exactly what you are feeling.

True North
riverriverMember
Thank you for the reassurance TN.

I finally got an email from my T about an hour ago. Hopefully now I can lose some of the anxiety and focus on other things.

Thank you everyone for reminding me why we do this, baring our souls to our T's. Thank you for reminding me that though it is impossibly hard it's necessary and everything will be OK.

You guys are the best!
riverriverMember
I have two more days to wait until I see my T. I haven't been as anxious but I am not completely comfortable either. I reread the email I sent her yesterday and that was a mistake. It dredged up a fresh batch of anxiety so I am not going to do that again. I have read and reread her response email about 20 times I think. It is helping me to remember that I can trust her with that much honesty about myself and she is not going to take anything personally or out of context.

And yes, I am sure I will be telling you all about my next session (probably as soon as I get home from it. We'll see. Wink)
butterflywarriorbutterflywarriorMember
River- You did awesome!

I suppose when i got serious and was ready to be a lot more open in therapy, I was in the university setting where therapists are somewhat different from those on the 'outside' world.. lol.

Email is a fairly common mode of communication except in the case where the server is not confidential and that makes it difficult and a risk. MyUni therapist allowed me to email her although it was a rather discouraged behavior o campus because of the whole shared server thing but in general, It REALLY helped me a lot to talk about stuff I just had a terrible time expressing verbally.

In subsequent therapy sessions with other therapist, I have used letter writing and notes to leave with them for next time as well.

It does feel really odd b/c somehow writing feels easier especialy when you're not sitting there across from them but than you kinda flip out afterwards about everything you said and so on.. yep yep.. been there done that!!

Anyways, it's a great strategy to facilitate theraputic disclosure and I'm glad that you have that access. Smiler
riverriverMember
Thank you BW. It is nice to know that everyone freaks out from time to time. I have gone back and forth between thinking that this was a good idea and a really bad one since my nerves have been getting the best of me but I really won't know until I see if it is working or not. As far as privacy, My T's email goes to her home but the address is shared by the family. I suggested maybe she ought to get her own. I don't think she has given out her email address before. In fact I don't think she has ever even really used email for anything before. Hard to believe but there are still some technology hold-outs out there.
Last edited by river
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
River, I totally get that. Doing heavy emotional work can take the same kind of toll on you that really significant physical work can.

What makes it worse is that if you were struggling with something physical, then people around you can see what you're dealing with and be understanding about you being tired or overloaded. But with this stuff, none of its visible. Take good care of yourself. I find I get sick a lot easier when I'm facing that kind of exhaustion (did I mention I had a sinus infection this weekend? Smiler)

AG
justme 2justme 2Member
quote:
In fact I don't think she has ever even really used email for anything before. Hard to believe but there are still some technology hold-outs out there.

My T refers to herself as "technologically challenged." I had to write her directions for her to use my voice recorder and still worried whether she'd figure it out. Thankfully she did. Big Grin

BTW: I freak out all the time, my husband calls it fruit loopin.
riverriverMember
Well my time with my T went well. Luckily we didn't talk about any of the details in the email but about it's overall theme/message, etc.

She has charged me with three things she wants me to start doing more often until they become habit: to ask "What do you mean?" anytime I have any question at all about something she has said, to feel free to ask her any questions I might have about anything and to ask for what I want from her. (She told me to stop fretting over calling her and just call! Wink)

I know some of you will understand why these things can be so hard to do. I want them though. I want to be able to do these things someday without any effort at all. I am grateful that someone out there wants to help me do this.

Thanks everyone for keeping me going this week with all of your encouragement. I feel I've put a huge crack in whatever wall has been holding me back lately. Smiler
Last edited by river
justme 2justme 2Member
Good for you River. That is wonderful for you to have someone like that in your T. She really sounds like she is attuned to you and WANTS to lend herself to you in such a vital way. But we as clients need to avail ourselves to them as completely as an infant does her mother and I understand how difficult that can be. It reminds me of similar conversations between me and my T when she charged you to get in the “habit” of asking questions whenever something comes up, or something she says that you don’t understand, or if there is something you want from her. That is what we need to do and it is so comforting and reassuring when they verbalize that is ok. To hear it is ok for us to call when we get that “childish” yearning to make that connection. I am happy that your session went so well. I am moved for you.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
River,
That is wonderful to hear! JM is right, your T sounds really wonderful. I especially like that she made it clear to you that it was ok to call. (and I do understand how hard it is, I think my T needed to tell me it was ok to call or email about 25 times before I actually did and he still tells me at almost every appt. And I still have a hard time. I'm a slow learner. Big Grin )

The first crack in the wall is the hardest. You should be proud of yourself for staying in that place of frustration at the wall until you were able to start breaking through. I honestly think that's when therapy is at it's most difficult.

AG

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