Damn good question! I wonder myself and have often thought it would so much easier to quit. My metaphor for therapy is that it is cleaning out a very crowded and messy closet. Once I opened the door a whole bunch of junk came tumbling out and now I can't shove it back in and close the door so I have to start cleaning it out whether I want to or not just so I can get the door shut! Hopefully I'll keep cleaning past that point so that I can enjoy a much emptier, orderly closet. (I guess I don't expect to get rid of the closet entirely but rather to hopefully make it much more manageable!)

You're at what I think is the hardest part of therapy. The bad news it that it sucks to feel this way; the good news is that its a sign of real progress.

My T talks about it alot, how people go to therapy expecting things to get better, but they usually get worse first. There's a reason you've stayed away from these thoughts and feelings. At one time, you needed to to survive. And then it just feels too painful or even like it will overwhelm you to feel them Therapy provides a safe place and a person in which to quote my T "you feel safe enough to feel scared."

So the things that are emerging are painful and ugly and difficult or you wouldn't have put them away in the first place.

I just talked about this in another thread on Trauma, but traumatic memories are stored differently. Trauma, by definition, is something that you are incapable of processing when it happens. These memories are stored "raw" and actually in another part of your brain. Because they weren't processed, they have an immediancy that normal memories don't have. You know how you can remember feeling sad, but don't feel it with the same intensity? That's not true for traumatic memories. Part of what makes them so hard is that they feel like they are happening in the moment and they come back with all that intensity which made them overwhelming in the first place. And until they're processed they continue to stimulate and stress your system even though you're not consciously aware of it. Which takes up an enormous amount of energy which could be better used on other things, like being a parent, partner and person.

But therapy should provide you with the resources to process them. Once you have made sense out of them, placed a narrative on them then they lose that intensity and become a normal memory which you don't need to expend energy to contain.

The other benefit of going back and talking about your childhood is that most people who have suffered abuse were told lies, but lies that were laid down when you were very young, had no way to know they were lies and have become woven into who you are so that although you're not consciously aware of it, you're still living by them. Like my believing that no one else would ever believe I was attractive which I believed for 47 years not because it was the truth but because I was told it over and over by someone I needed desparately and had no reason to not believe.

And your also at that horrible point where you realize that you've come to far to go back, the old defenses won't work because now you're aware of them, but you don't really have a replacement for them, healthy ways to deal with the pain. I'm not going to lie, it can get really confusing, there will be (many) times you'll be tempted to quit, but I promise you it does get better. You will learn to live another way, to be present, to use that energy you spent containing those memories to do things you delight in. You will heal and break the power of the past which will give you choices you never knew you had. You can heal.

I have gone from feeling like I was shut in a lightless box where you couldn't lie down or sit down, to feeling like I can fly down grassy meadows. It was not an easy or quick process but it was worth every drop of pain. Think of it this way, you can be in pain and going nowhere, or you can be in pain using it to go forward. I know what I'd pick.

A quote from Winston Churchhill: If you're going through hell, keep going.

I'm so glad you posted and asked this. Its a really good question and the feelings that you're dealing with make so much sense and are so justified. The truth is you shouldn't have to do this. You weren't given what you needed and it sounds like were given things you REALLY didn't need but NONE of that was your fault. But its your life so you have to deal with it. But its ok to be angry about that, I know I am quite frequently.

And one last gentle question, why would it be bad to break down with your friends? You have suffered terribly and have much to mourn. Would you scorn a friend dealing with the kind of pain you are in if they were upset or having a difficult time? Your emotions and needs are legitimate and worthy of attention.

There is another side and you will get there. You've already survived it, now you just need to learn to flourish. And I stand by my signature line.

BTW, its taken me a long time, a lot of therapy, and two really good therapists to start making sense of this stuff so if anything I said didn't make sense or you want to know more, please ask.

AG

quote:

A quote from Winston Churchhill: If you're going through hell, keep going.

Hmmm...Maybe I shouldn't stop and take pictures anymore.

ROFLMAO! You are too much! I have no idea how you do that.

To be quite honest, I wasn't being humorous for a change. I think that sometimes when we are going through "hell" we do tend to stay there longer than we need to. (It's so warm and familiar and all) It really IS a choice, but we never knew we had a choice to leave before. I think that realizing that we do have a choice is very empowering. We did not have the choice as children, but we are no longer children either.

So lets get in the car and drive out of here!

Yeah, incognito, I get the "really hard" part, I think. Though right now I'm just going (it seems) to be around my Tfella - and not yet in that feels-creepy way. There's just someone there that will listen and understand and talk me through it. I'm scared about _not_ being able to go and do that; I don't think I've gotten to the point where it's scary _to_ do that. With 3 more sessions left until August 2009, I doubt I will.

I don't know if this is a useful thing to hear, but I envy your progress and being able to go back.

Thanks for all your replies.

I still feel awful and don't know that I will ever be able to talk enough to process my feelings from my childhood, particularly at the rate of 1 hour a week. My therapist is trying and called me back this morning to offer me a session this afternoon but I would have to find someone to pick up my kids which would mean asking for help and admitting I need it.

Of course, I want to go but I don't as well. I don't see it helping because it seems therapy is the cause of some of my inablility to deal currently, the proximate cause not the real cause. AG and JM, I will keep rereading your comments hoping that I start to understand more than the words and actually get it in my gut.

Wynne, good luck on your journey. I hope you can figure out a way to continue with your T. I've run out of insurance benefits and am paying out of pocket for the rest of the year so I know how it feels.

I wish I could tell you that it all gets better soon. But the fact is it is a long journey. We didn’t get this way over night and unfortunately the road to healing isn’t a quick and painless one. You have to feel the pain to find the healing and each marker will serve as an indication of how worthwhile this really is for you. River often refers to this process as baby steps, and I know I am repeating myself (I’m a mother, I’m allowed to do that) but after you’ve taken enough baby steps you need to look back and see just how far you’ve come. You’ll be amazed. That is also when it will finally make sense. Don’t give out where our parents did.

Eh. Many thanks, incognito, but he's got no private practice and only works for the U (does lots of trainings and stuff for faculty/staff, too). So even throwing money at it wouldn't make me be able to see him more.

I can't imagine what it'd be like to be going through this and to have to care for little folks. Of course, I can't imagine being responsible for little folks. But you're awesome for making yourself a better person for them, even when it hurts!

metaphor for therapy is that it is cleaning out a very crowded and messy closet. Once I opened the door a whole bunch of junk came tumbling out and now I can't shove it back in and close the door so I have to start cleaning it out whether I want to or not just so I can get the door shut

RIVER

THAT'S THE COOLEST(AND MOST ACCURATE) THING I'VE EVER HEARD!!!


INCOGNITO

I AM FAIRLY NEW TO THERAPY AND AM HAVING SOME OF THE SAME FEELINGS. I HAVE ASKED MY T WHAT'S HE "DOING TO ME" BECAUSE SOMETIMES I FEEL SO "CRAZY" AND CONFUSED. HE TOLD ME THAT'S A GOOD PLACE TO BE BECAUSE I HAVE TRIED TO CONTROL EVERYTHING FOR SO LONG--MYSELF, MY FEELINGS, MY BEHAVIOR, MY FRIENDS'/FAMILY'S BEHAVIOR BY BEING PASSIVE AND AGREEABLE-AVOIDING CONFLICT,ETC. HE REALLY DIDN'T GIVE ME MUCH OF AN ANSWER EITHER, BUT I FELT LIKE I "ALMOST" UNDERSTOOD WHAT HE MEANT. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT MADE ANY SENSE TO YOU. I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT QUITTING BECAUSE OF THE FEELINGS. IT IS NOY EASY TO FEEL THEM AFTER WE HAVE KEPT THEM STUFFED INSIDE AND HIDDEN AWAY FOR SO LONG. BUT FROM WHAT I'M TOLD, WE CAN'T GET BETTER AND "MOVE ON" UNTIL WE GET THEM OUT AND DEAL WITH THEM. SO HANG IN THERE. YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!

WYNNE

SORRY ABOUT YOUR SITUATION. IS THERE ANOTHER T YOU COULD SEE? MAYBE YOU COULD ASK YUR CURRENT T IF HE/SHE COULD RECOMMEND SOMEONE ?

Hi all,

I asked my neigbour and friend to pick up my kids and told her I really needed help so I could go see my T this afternoon. AG, I realized you were right my friend was great and understanding, it is only my family I can't count on.

I had a difficult time this afternoon but was able to tell T everything I was freaking out about and hear him when he said it was understandable. I'm shaken but feeling a little more steady.

thanks for all your words of wisdom,

incognito,
That is so awesome that you took the chance to help your friend for help. I've had to really struggle to make my needs known because I was so dissappointed so many times that at some point I promised myself I wouldn't let myself be hurt again that way so I learned not to ask. To be able to risk that and make your needs known takes a lot of courage. As does going to talk to your therapist about how you're feeling when part of how you're feeling is struggling with the whole point of therapy. I think you just took some pretty big steps, you should be really proud of yourself.

AG

thanks AG,

It was a good session. In some ways I didn't realize how good until later. I don't seem to process therapy until afterwards, sometimes a few hours to a few day afterwards so my emotional reaction, negative or positive, occurs later. This time I'm realizing I really opened up to my T and he didn't recoil in horror at seeing what I was really like and slowly I'm beginning to feel accepted by him.

Incognito,

Processing therapy sessions can take a while. Sometimes this makes the 45min appt once a week thing so frustrating. No sooner then I get in my car after a session and am driving home do I have some fantastic insight or finally start feeling the real stuff that was masked by my anxiety during my session. This is when journaling become invaluable. It can be almost like another mini sum-up session. Calling your T too can help when the yucky stuff really sinks in a few days later and you feel like you need some support to bear through it.

I am so glad that you worked stuff out and saw your T again. Good for you for taking care of yourself like that. This stuff will really pay off.