Hello fellow people... Sorry it’s long and may have some misspellings; English is not my first language
Doctor – psychiatrist === T-psychologist

I am in really bad shape now, and feel really bad, and really need some others opinions on this!

Few weeks ago I was seeing my T one a week and doing activity plan, like going to the gym, eating breakfast keep away y from coke cola, drink more water and so on... And it was working I was finding myself in better shape than I have been in many months ,after a got like a breakdown in dec 2010 , and I know I was a handful to him and sending him sometimes e-mail between sessions, not often ,

He has facebook and other thinks open and we life in a small place so I see him sometimes in the street or driving, and he does not care if I see his profile or not, I have only 2 times looked at his facebook and in the second time 3 weeks ago, somehow (would NEVER ask him to be my friend) it happened anyway and I honestly don’t know how it happened, I know our boundaries about things..

Then after we had like meet 4 week in a row and I was finally doing well and then this facebook think happened and I didn’t even notice it I sent him fb friend request ., I meet him usually on Wednesday and asked him to call on Monday, about something letter I needed from him for next appointment, and he said in the phone call “I thought you were asking me about the facebook friend request” I was like WHAT are you talking about, I would never ask you to be my friend on facebook,.

We were finally back on track after my suicide attempt, and when we meet the next time, he said “ok fine, but it was still friend request “ (like he thought I was really going to ask him ) and I still don’t know some how by accident it happened ...

And then he said it was time to meet every 2 weeks , and said it is waiting list and so on was the reason , but I felt like instead of talking about that he felt like I crossed some limit, that he was like pushing me away , I broke down like a little baby crying and all , I felt like my safety was taken away from me, for me it was like a life line, that when I felt really bad , I knew I still could count on my time to talk to my T about my issues , because I really have not many to turn to. He “said don’t be afraid, it is going to be ok, you can ask the clinic for phone message to me and I can call you back or e-mail me”

But the strange think happened somehow my world fell apart I don’t know how or why, I just 2 weeks before I told him how much these sessions means to me and that I can deal with my son, and I haven’t felt better in months knowing that I have these weekly sessions, so I was so surprise that he made these decision to make them further apart, I told him I just don’t see the point to of anything , and he said “does your life activity depend on weekly sessions “ and me crying, I said he could not image what it is helping me, and let me say that I am NOT in love with my T or have other feelings just he is my T and that’s all.

I do have a doctor I started to see in January, I can trust him but its completely different sessions and therapy, they did talk in Jan and agreed that my T would help me this way and the doctor to value the depression, anxiety and medication .

So I had no choice but accept this and see him again in 2 weeks, and I did , I asked him if he could call me on the wendsaday I did not see him, he agreed seemingly , then on Sunday I felt really bad and sent him e-mail (before he would reply with good words and that would keep me going) saying how bad I felt and because there are some problem in my work (nothing to do with me) but it has made me anxiety really bad and I have not slept unless I take double my sleeping pill, I told him this and that I just don’t know how to deal with this I don’t want to hurt me. On the Monday I called the clinic and asked that he could call me , he did call me BUT he was so angry , saying I had to talk to someone else , like my family , but he knows that is not possible or you should go to the mental emergency, (he knows that is not possible either) , I did not send him any mails for like 2 weeks and did not ask him to call because I did not want to seem imposing myself on him, so when he reacted like this I just lost all my air out off me, then he said he will call me next wendsday because I was not meeting him, he did call but its not the same 1o min and he was like tired, and I was at this point just falling deep in depression , because I have sometimes so much inner pain and anxiety and no one to talk to so I close somehow down and end up in bed, tired after nothing, I meet my doctor and he wanted to chance my meds.
And I am trying to “find” someone else to talk to find an I don’t know really just something or someone, I sometimes just want to give up...
I told to my doctor I am sick of all and you and the T will give up on me, he said he would not. And recommended I would see my T once a week for the next 6 weeks,

I was finally going after 2 weeks and the bad phone calls to see my T, but he had some emergency at home the day before and had to chancel all appointment that and the next day, So I then sent him e-mail when he has another appointment and he did not reply, and then I called the clinic in Tuesday and asked if he had booked me the next day and he did, but I was started to feel like stalker to get appointment, and asked if he could call me..

Then I meet my T and told him I cant do this and I felt like he was getting tired of me and he or like missing the compassion I don’t know how to put this in right words, I told him I sent him mail and he did not reply, and in the phone call the day before I told him what the doctor recommended to see him once a week for 6 weeks, and he agreed but I felt he was not very happy, he said if I will see him once a week then he would like I did not e-mail him between, I had already said I will not contact him between sessions if we meet once a week, he said it can damage our therapeutic relationship if I make to much demands on him, but until now he has been easy with me because he knows I have no one, I have looked for support in many things and it has worked , So I told him do you want out of our contract if I want to kill myself I don’t have to call you, he said if you are on the edge or have taken a lot of pills and you regret it ,then you can call me.

I feel like I have lost something or some support, I do like that I can now see him time being once week , but what if he does not like me, and is forced to “see” me, I feel so bad, and my doctor came with the idea when I feel so bad I should write down my thought and feelings and then take them and show my T ,, I think I use that, but I don’t know , I am just crazy paranoid or what, how can I know if my T is just now so tired of me and wishes I would dump him, should I not go in next session and see what he does , how can I know if he cares ? Greetings and hugs...