Hello Swastik. Have to say that's an unusual name you have there, why did you choose it?

Anyway, I'm sorry you are feeling so alone and hope that you might find some sympathetic ears here. Also want to say that's brave of you to be so honest about how you feel.

Are you seeing a therapist at all? That might be a way for you of having someone to talk to without being judged or made to feel bad about how you feel.

Welcome to the forum.

LL

quote:

Hello Swastik. Have to say that's an unusual name you have there, why did you choose it?

I was also wondering the same thing. Anyway, welcome here! I'm sorry you are hurting so much in your relationship. Have you tried to share honestly with him the deep pain you are in, at his lack of response and neglect of your emotions? Usually I have found that if I am angry at my H, it only pushes him of course even further away. Someone has to take the first step, towards the other, and sometimes that first step has to be made by us. I know it is terribly difficult! If you show him your pain in vulnerability, he may respond more lovingly to you then if you get angry. Anger as my T says, just doesn't get our needs met in relationship- it just won't work, no matter how much it feels like it should and no matter how much we want to be able to yell at the person who is hurting us- they will *surely* respond by withdrawing, or by getting angry with us- it is something that can be counted upon, unless you happen to be married to someone who has done a lot of practice and discipline over many years in the art of being non-defensive. But I sound awfully preachy. I know about anger. I really, really do. It has to come out. But not at a time when you are trying to get closer emotionally to your spouse..it won't work. Find another way and another time to get the anger out of your body, pound something or whatever- or write a big old rant on here or just to yourself somewhere where it won't be found.. so that you can approach him more vulnerably, tell him honestly how much it hurts when he will not listen to you, that it is causing you pain, and that you just really badly need him to listen to you and show that he cares for you by listening without judging you- and he will be much more likely to respond with the love you so badly need that way. May not work every time, but at least some of the time you can get your needs met by him, and then love can grow.

I sincerely hope that this helps a bit. It's hard to convey what I am talking about over the computer, but I hope you take something from it. It is something I learned from my T, that has helped me greatly in my relationship- when I find myself willing to use it.

Be gentle with yourself..you are not being bad- it just hurts. It's clear that you want what is right and that you need some TLC from him. Try, tell him that, if you can?

BB

Thank you so much blackbird. This was helpful. I am little relaxed that atleast there are few bunch of people who really share what they have experienced. Whho can think from third man's perspective.The problem is he knows abt me very well.I told him that I need a therapist to control my anger and to share what I feel. He feels bad that why its not him?? I feel terrible that I am not able to share with him 'coz If I share I am the complaining one.He hates when I cry. As I have said He never believes in crying. Crying is one way I let out my anger. But He feels very irritated and stops the conversation right there.I really dont want to cry and feel weak. I want to be the stronger person. Thank god that I found this site which my husband is not aware of.I am from orthodox Hindu family.My i9n laws are very orthodox and that's ok with me a little. But the way they treat the man and women is so annoying for me. They expect a lot of things from me and sometimes i fail to meet them. That makes them sad. And feel that I am not following the rituals.I get irritated to the core. If i say this to him he gets irritated. Obvious that any kid wil get annoyed if its thier parents who are the topic of conversation.but If he is that much of a composed person why not listen to me.? I dont trust him now a days. I feel that may be I dont need him at all. Why I have to live such a fake life with him ?

Thanks a lot Lamplighter.
I did try telling my husband that I need a therepist help. But He says its an insult to him wen I say that.. Why go n consult some one else wen I am here for u. Unfortunately he doesn't realise that He is not able to help me here

quote:

Originally posted by Lamplighter:
Hello Swastik. Have to say that's an unusual name you have there, why did you choose it?

Anyway, I'm sorry you are feeling so alone and hope that you might find some sympathetic ears here. Also want to say that's brave of you to be so honest about how you feel.

Are you seeing a therapist at all? That might be a way for you of having someone to talk to without being judged or made to feel bad about how you feel.

Welcome to the forum.

LL

Hi,

I understand where you're coming from, BG. I do want to point out that Swastik has an entirely different set of very positive meanings in the culture she is from.

http://www.rudraksha-ratna.com/swastikyantra.htm

It can be tricky to find a good way to negotiate the different interpretations people have of things - it's worth talking about.

Swastik, I wish you well with your husband and with finding a way to share your feelings. It's hard to feel so very alone in a relationship.

Take care,
Jones

Thank you for the information Jones- your name makes a lot more sense now, Swastik-

I really feel for you- it's hard because as I red your response I'm feeling that my original reply to you did not take in the gravity of your situation very well. It is really hard when we are from a culture/religion that places these kind of almost class distinctions on the role of men and women, or where we feel our feminine nature/needs are not totally valued and upheld. I'm very sorry that you seem to find yourself in such painful situation...it's the age old story. I encourage you to keep standing up for what you need, though. A therapist would be a very good idea. Perhaps if it was a female therapist, and someone from your culture, it is possible your H would feel less threatened by it? Just an idea, not sure if it would be possible to find just the person, or not. I hope you will look. It sounds like some intervention and outside support is really needed. You could explain that you want a therapist, not just for yourself although that is a very important part of it- but also to improve the quality of the relationship you have with him? In any case, he is making you far too responsible for all of the problems (from what you write here, as far as I can see it from so much outside of it) and he needs to bear some of the load and make some of the changes that need to happen for your relationship to become more loving between you. It takes two people to both be moving towards the other one...not just one person caryying all of it and living in a state of internal isolation.

Also- how can he expect to act as a therapist to you, when he is clearly not in a position to remain non-defensive with you, and won't even let you cry or express yourself? It *needs* to be an outside person who is neutral who can allow that for you, right now, until he becomes *much* more skilled at handling your emotions with care and respect. Therapy is about being allowed to cry, to express our pain, and be met with a non-judging accepting ear. And it is about that third party teaching us slowly, how to do the same, loving thing for others in our relationships- two ways, being allowed to be who we are in the relationship without putting on an act to survive. You have stated that he already is not doing that for you. He probably is not able to do that yet, as he has not learned in a way that makes sense to him, that crying is needed.. You could gently point that out to him, next time if it comes up. And ask, if he will not let you cry with him, then could you find another, a therapist to do that with.

The other thing I want to say, is that he should no shame you for crying. Crying is a release of pent up emotion, often can be very healing if done with another who will let us cry without shame. It is simply the way we are made- and not a shameful or weak thing at all, in fact, it is a gift, a way we have been given to "let the pain out." You simply need some affection and care, and that is beautiful and strong and feminine- and not weak and pathetic or not valuable- or any such thing. Offering your needs and tears to another is healthy and strong thing to do, and I hope and pray for you that he will come to value your needs and try to meet them. Keep talking here, if it is helpful for you!

Hugs,

BB

In hindu relegion the swastik is considered as a holy symbol to start anything good. I may be blabbering about my worries and grumpiness but its all to end in peace.I hope that I have a right to speak about particular situations If i face them so that u guys can give me another perspective to handle the situation more intelligent way. I just want to blow my husband with my behaviour. I know that I am a short tempered person but just saying that to me never helps me. I need realtime solutions which works.Anyone can make me angry in fractions of seconds. I was not like this before. This is happening only after marriage. Probably 'coz of stay at home thing which is been forced on me by my In-laws. I dont care abt staying at home. I want to earn some money staying at home. Any Ideas? And I will need help in anger management teqhniques from you guys. Thank you Black bird for those consoling words. I feel lot better now. I din cry today. All I want is to trick my mind in not getting angry. plz.. help me. Blanket girl and Jones thanks for empathizing my situation. U guys were of great help.

Of course you are not just blabbering, Swastik...we all come here to share our worries and frustrations and that's what this place is for...you are as welcome her as anyone else is, and we are glad to have you.

Hm...realtime solutions for anger that works? There are a lot of people on here more skilled at these things than I am, but...my therapist told me to pound something really hard, (not a person obviously ) or if it would help, than I would write the really nasty things that I wanted to say to my H at the drop of a hat, to him instead of my H, and he would sort of "take it." You can't help the anger...and a lot of it is justified. It is no wrong to be angry, just wrong to hurt with the anger.

Anyone with good ideas on how to get anger out, and feel better after?

Hello Swastik
I have a tough time dealing with my anger (just coming up) don't know if it would help but I list some of the things I do when I have time by myself to get out some of the feelings and generally it brings my anger down to a level that's more manageable for me
1. Wash clothes by hand - really pounnding down on a pair of jeans or bedclothes to rinse out the laundry soap !!
2. Make bread by hand - kneading the dough with some serious fist action !!
3. Going for a run or physical exercise
4. When I am totally alone I also have lots of plain paper and crayons and I end up scribbling like a toddler (drawing lots of circles round and round)then I end up screwing the paper up when I feel a bit better

Thank you black bird you were soothing. And thanks a lot Debbie for your ideas. I do like the first three ideas. But start writing bad if i get anything to write. So i used to be very conscious . I think scribbling with colors will be fine. Are there any anger management presentations if you guys have read?i had a arguement about what dress to wear. I generally never pick dresses which my Hdoesn't likes. But now i think why every time i do on his ideas. He says he is fine but i feel guilty com end up wearing wot he likes. I hate that .

While my H watching TV If I share a joke He wont listen or react to it. And I have to just sit there without losing my tempper. I leave the place so that I wont show my anger or just because I am not being considered and he says leaving the conversation like that is wrong? what the hell. I told him at his face I am not bothered.

I think that is awful. I don't think it would be wrong to tell him that you are angry when he ignores you like that. He shouldn't do that, and then blame you. Tell him that you feel angry and really hurt! How is that wrong?

Hi Swastik...i am currently reading a really good book on how to handle anger...it is called simply..."Anger" written by Thich Nhat Hanh..a vietnamese Buddhist...very good...i'm finding it helpful....mlc

In every way Is hould be the one who has to keep my anger with me. Niw a days I have made him a angry person. I just hate the way we converse now a days. I just hate it.

I wonder why people find fault in others so easily than findin something good? I'm irritated with my sis in law who keep teaching me traditional things. Its not wrong but its th timing. Just thought of sharing here. As i don want to tell anyone.