Eliana,
This is such a really sad story. I'm so sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted, especially since you meant the puppy to be a nice gift and something positive for your parents. I can totally understand why you feel so bad. You've got all this empathy and worry for the dog as well as feeling blamed and rejected by your mother.

I hope something can get worked out eventually. Maybe it's not too late to find the puppy another home or maybe your sister can help and maybe your parents will warm up to it in another few days?

I'm so sorry that it feels so bad!

Quell

b

(((((ELIANA))))))

Just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I have a difficult relationship with my mother too. It's very painful no matter how you look at it.

Your T's take was interesting on why you were giving them a puppy because my first thought was that you felt guilty that you don't spend more time with them and they are lonely and so giving them a dog would give them somethign to love and you wouldn't feel so guilty not spending time with them.

But given your reaction to how your mother reacted, I'd have to say your T was right on the money here. IMO, even though dogs are a commitment, you giving them a dog was done with love and your mother was really mean for blaming you for the whole mess.



Liese

Thank you for the replies ((Quell)) ((muff)) ((monte)) ((Liese)), it helped so much to read them!

I'm feeling a bit more calm now, I don't remember when was the last time I cried for so many hours but I guess it did its thing and helped.

Yeah a dog is a bit commitment and maybe I was digging my own grave here. I knew there was only a small chance my mother would be happy about the puppy but no matter how small it was I needed it to happen, to maybe prove myself that my mother was capable of love, that she has a heart somewhere there. Maybe I extrapolated too much.

I'm hoping my mother will warm to the idea of a dog around her but I'm scared that if she accepts her, she will only tolerate her.

It's like my life all over again, expect I made it happen to an innocent puppy. She should have gone to a more loving family.

I just wanna go get her from that garage, rescue her and take care of her and love her as much as I can. To be honest I think that will be plan B.

Wow. It almost sounds like you want to rescue YOURSELF from your mother and love her as much as you can...

j

Eliana,

I'm very sorry for the strained relationship with your mother. It isn't your fault.

This is a hard question, but did your Mom want to have you? I ask because I know my Mom and Dad did not want to have me, but, as my Mom has said unfortunately she didn't believe in abortion. I've heard the I hate, I never wanted you, you've ruined my life stuff a lot. So, especially if your mother was like that I could see her finding a puppy an unwanted burden and become very upset/rejecting.

It's difficult to give pets as gifts, actually a large number of pets as gifts are destroyed annually around Christmas and Easter. It is great to surprise people but also responsible for the animal if you ask - even if you don't tell them the type (there are still fun ways to do this). I'm NOT in ANY way saying it's your fault your Mom does not LIKE the dog. I know right now if someone gave me a dog and didn't ask I'd have to immediately find it a new home because my lifestyle cannot support one. I encourage you to rescue the puppy and find it a new home, as puppies brought up without significant amounts of human interaction can turn in to fearful, unhappy, mean animals which will only make it harder for someone who has difficulty loving in the first place to accept.

I can very much relate to you in having your life reflected by animals. I've seen this in my own life, in parallels I can't even describe here. I was once out petting one of the animals at my parents house and my Mom burst through the door saying "Don't TOUCH him, STOP petting him, he's stupid he doesn't deserve that". The same things she told people about me, if they got close, or if they ever expressed anything positive. It sucks, it sucks to see the people we'd wish anything to have a good relationship with reject us directly or indirectly all the time and I wish I could take that pain away from you.

I really think you should do what wasn't done for you growing up, and rescue the dog.

Thank you for all the replies (((everyone))) it helps immensely to be supported like this!

Catalyst, I'm so sorry you have to endure that, I know how difficult it is and how badly it damages you. you're right, I was not a wanted child. My mother had me quite late in life, I was sort of an accident, and I wonder if she feels I was imposed on her. I also know my birth was very tough on her, she had go through surgeries because of it etc. Maybe her attitude comes from her resentment, and also because we have very different personalities. I always got along better with my dad, and I was seen as the "dad's little girl", she might resent my relationship with my dad as well.

Maybe she felt a dog would be an imposition on her too, that's why she rejected it so strongly. I should add that everyone in the family (including dad) wanted the dog. My sister said she would start coming over every weekend to see the dog and bring the kids to play, dad would be responsible for feeding and walking. They have the conditions to take the dog, the house is huge, they have a closed garden and all. Basically all she was requested to do was to tolerate the dog around her. Guess it was too much to ask.

It hurt so much to see my parents dynamics playing. Mum rejecting the puppy/me, dad knowing about it and doing nothing, just apologising for her. "It was the way she was raised/she grew up without caring/she's not very well/she's depressed". How about your own daughter, dad? I'm the one you should be protecting! I grew up without a mum's love too! Of course she is depressed! If I had a child who i abused emotionally and barely spoke to I would be depressed too!

My sister took the dog back and she says she's gonna try to find her a new home (I would keep her but because I live in the UK it would take 6-7months for her to come here because of their rabies policy). I'm actually relieved. I'm very hopeful that the puppy will find a family that will love her, I know my parents are not capable of doing so.

Among all the mothers in the world why did I have to end up with this mean person? I wish I was motherless, honestly. At least I could live with the fantasy of a caring mother that would love me. Instead I have to figure out why am I so unloveable by a mother, and so unworthy of protection by a father.

quote:

I have to figure out why am I so unloveable by a mother, and so unworthy of protection by a father.

This looks familiar! I think you will find it was not you at fault.

Oh, Eliana, I ache for you, sweetie. ((((((((Eliana))))))))) I grew up that way, too, with a mom who never wanted me, who resented my existence and that my dad liked me. It's such a screwed-up way to live as a little girl. I'm not surprised whatsoever that the way she's treating the puppy hurts the same way as how she treated you...the same flaws in her are responsible for both. You might as well be that puppy. I'm so sorry. You deserved a better mom. I hope you are able to find other "moms" to fill the holes in your heart along the way in life. I know I've been really lucky that way.

Hugs,
SG

quote:

I have to figure out why am I so unloveable by a mother, and so unworthy of protection by a father.

Eliana,
These are the wrong questions. The questions I want the answers to are what was wrong with your mother that she did not freely love her daughter? And what was wrong with your father that he did not protect his daughter?

We look for the problem in ourselves, because when we were young, we had a life and death imperative to stay close, so we had to perceive them as being safe to stay close to no matter where the real truth lay.

AG

Eliana,

quote:

Among all the mothers in the world why did I have to end up with this mean person? I wish I was motherless, honestly. At least I could live with the fantasy of a caring mother that would love me. Instead I have to figure out why am I so unloveable by a mother, and so unworthy of protection by a father.

I can't help but wonder if your mother is even capable of loving anyone? I wonder if she even loves your Dad?



Liese

Liese I think she does, she loves my dad (he's pretty much the only person she has in her life, other than my sis, with whom she has a really warm relatioship - they call each other everyday several times), and my dad loves my mum too, I know he would never recover if he lost her. But I should mention my mother doesn't have any friends. Even with her own brothers and sister. She is polite and friendly with them whenever it happens to see them but that's it (which happens like 2 times per year).

She doesn't call my brother either but he takes his kid to visit them every weekend so it's almost understandable. I'm the only one who seems to have problems with my mother. How can I not feel that it's something about me, that it is my fault, considering I'm the only one? I think everyone is aware of how estranged we are but it's sort of a secret and it was never mentioned before by anyone in the family.

But isn't it weird that she has a daughter living in a foreign country (she was actually the reason why I came so far away) and she doesn't call to see how she is doing, if she is eating, if she is alive?
I could die here and they would only find out 4 week days later with a call from the consulate.

((((((ELIANA))))))

Your story is so heartbreaking. I don't have any words of comfort except to say that there could be some transference going on between you and your mother, most especially with your mother towards you. For instance, my 12 year old reminded me of my sister and my sister and I didn't have a good relationship. I've had to be careful how I react to her although I wasn't always aware of the transference. Thank God for therapy.

My mother just plain ole doesn't like my sister but she loves my brother. My brother has done so many "bad" things to my mother that I've lost count. But he caters to my mother's emotional needs. My sister's crime is that she doesn't take care of my mother's emotional needs but simply because she doesn't have that kind of intelligence (lucky her, in a way). My sister might remind my mother of someone that she had trouble with in childhood.

It's very likely something like this is happening with you. I know it's tempting to compare the relationships and feel like there is something wrong with you since you are the only one who doesn't have a reasonably close relationship with her. But sometimes the close relationships are the dysfunctional ones, like in my family.

Interesting that your Mom doesn't have any friends.



Liese

((((Eliana))))

I've just read the thread and I have to say I agree with AG

quote:

Eliana,
These are the wrong questions. The questions I want the answers to are what was wrong with your mother that she did not freely love her daughter? And what was wrong with your father that he did not protect his daughter?

We look for the problem in ourselves, because when we were young, we had a life and death imperative to stay close, so we had to perceive them as being safe to stay close to no matter where the real truth lay.

AG

I think your mother is in pain and has her own issues. I am not saying what she has done regarding the dog or your upbringing is right, but it sounds to me like she is hiding her pain and you seem to be that reminder of her pain or regrets or whatever it is she is suffering from through no fault of your own.

There are many reasons why your mother could feel this way. I mean lets look at this forum...we are all trying our best to be the best parents we can be, but we must surely realise that each of us are failing in some aspects. It is just not possible to be perfect and it is just not possible to be perfect if you are suffering or have suffered yourself. I don't know your mothers story, and it sounds like you don't either.

Just a thought, but have you ever thought of writing your mother a heartfelt letter explaining yourself to her? Perhaps you want to run that thought past your therapist before you do as I suggest though, and if you do decide to do it, your therapist can look over it before you send it to your mother. Just a thought.

(((B2w))) thanks for that reply. Rationally I can understand that my mother has her own issues but I wish I could *feel* it. That's actually one of the things my T insisted on, that this is not my fault, and I can understand that my mother has problems, I can understand the importance of it not being about me, but I still don't *feel* it. Will it ever sink in?

What a bad time for my T going on holidays, I'll only see him in another week so I'm on my own here Thank God I decided to get support here. I did consider writing my mum a letter but I'm too scared that she will dismiss it/judge me/mock me/ignore it. It would be a good idea but it's too scary and risky for me to do it.

Anyway I have an update: I've been miserable all week and yesterday morning found out my sister still didn't manage to sell the puppy so she asked for my help. I apologized to her for getting her in this mess and she told me not to worry about it, bless her.

And last night I decided to talk to them online and get over with it. I know my mother, I knew she was boiling on silent rage against me because I was the responsible for making her look bad in front of the rest of the family. So I was surprised to find out she wanted to talk to me as well. Apparently my sister told her she would never visit mum again after refusing the dog. Mum was really pissed at me but I got to say that I was really hurt at her as well for rejecting something so personal coming from me (gosh mum and I talking about feelings, when did that happen? I hope you're proud of me T!). She insisted that she didn't want the dog and that she would never take it but I felt she heard that I was hurt too so it was progress.
Dad was there too and the conversation switched to "who likes who more". Mum said that she is closer to my sister because she has kids and she can give advice on that, while I was always a bit different, with different personality. I was happy she didn't try to deny that she felt different about me. She said I was a bit stuck up (that's the best translation I can come up with, it can also mean I am biting on my comments), but that she likes all 3 of us the same.
And dad (I love him so much) said that I wasn't a planned child but he always said that I was his favourite accident and that I was always wanted since they found out about me. And that yes, I'm a distant person, and also that he's not happy that I'm living far away. I guess it was healing to hear this from dad.

It ended up with dad and I crying, it was so embarrassing for me because I dread showing emotions in front of them. I guess I feel better now that things were talked about but there is this uncomfortable feeling deep down that I can't name and don't know where it comes from that doesn't let me feel completely okay about things. *sigh*