Congratulations JM

You should be very proud of yourself!!!


Kats

JM,
What an incredible accomplishment! I could actually hear inspirational music swelling reading your post. Beethoven's Ode to Joy came to mind. You are such an inspiration to keep on striving even when it feels overwhelming. I have been struggling with eating lately and your post has given a renewed sense of just how important this battle is and not to give up. Thank you so much for sharing this. Its really difficult having to experience the emotions you were holding at bay; I know I felt like that when I stopped overeating but you're right. This is way to heal so that you'll never need the alcohol again. You're now officially my hero.

AG

Since I posted my experience I thought that maybe I should share some slightly more personal information about my struggle with alcoholism, because it has been a turbulent and dangerous road that I don’t want to fail to remember because I was lucky enough to have survived long enough to do something about it and I don’t want to give any idea that this was a choice I simply made or that one day I woke up and decided I would not drink anymore. There were many times I decided to "cut back" and a few times I tried to quit and relapsed into an even worse condition than before. It's been a difficult and shameful struggle to say the least.

First of all, alcohol is a depressant and when you are struggling with such horrible recollections and hurtful emotions it can become a dangerous mix. Alcoholism sneaks up on you like an enemy while pretending to be your friend, your comforter, and constant companion. The more you drown your pain in alcohol, the more alcohol you need to get the same effects, so the more you drink. The earlier in the day you begin to feel those triggers the earlier you drink to cover them until you become caught up on a merry go round spinning out of control. You wake up feeling worse and you hate yourself for what you’ve become and you give fertile soil for all those negative beliefs to overwhelm you and pull you into the deepest pit of quagmire you didn’t know existed. It will suck you down before you even know what hit you, if you ever wake up from being struck down. The serious truth is some people never do. That is why I consider myself one of the lucky ones. Not lucky in the sense that it didn’t take a lot of hard work and effort to get where I am today and to survive all that I did, but lucky in the sense that I didn’t kill myself in the process.

There were times that I contemplated suicide and I believe that drinking played a huge role in that sort of thinking, mostly due to guilt and shame that still only covered over my true emotions I was avoiding in the first place. Then there were times I just got so carried away with being inebriated that I drank so much that I passed out. I have a few stories I could tell, but this one is most poignant for me as you shall see:

I had been drinking all day as I was accustomed to doing “every day” beginning anywhere from 11:00 AM and lasting until 8:00 PM give or take an hour. Initially I was feeling elated in my drunken state as usual because drinking made me feel happy, comfortable, funny, content, laid back (but it was all a smoke screen of deception). I was talking to a friend on the phone and sitting outside in the sun (drinking). I was good at masking a drunk, not even knowing myself that I was drunk and somehow thinking I was ok. Sometimes I’d even drive to go get more alcohol. So here I was after several beers and additional cocktails at about 6:00 at night and I suddenly realize that I was stoned out of my mind. My head felt like it was detached and floating above my body and then I felt an impending burst of that sour taste that grabs your chest and gags you when you know you’ve gone beyond the point of no return. I quickly dismissed myself from the phone conversation and barely made it into the bathroom to stick my face where it doesn’t belong and there I collapsed between a series of barfing sessions.( My friend was not even alarmed when I abruptly let her go so I could do this because I was very clever at disguising my precarious situation.)

I was so sick I literally thought I was going to die. I was shaking so badly that I could not stand up and my vision was going dim. I started crying uncontrollably and fearing for my life so I crawled to the phone and stumbled so badly that I fell several times before I reached it. Yes, I fell over while crawling on my hands and knees. (It’s possible) My husband was working late this night so I when called him he could not answer because he was in a meeting (the reason why he was working late). I did not know what to do and my vision was getting more blurry by the minute and I panicked. I could barely see the numbers on the keypad to dial and there was only one number that I had on speed dial that I felt I should call at that moment. Guess who that was... (My T.) I only hoped that it was her number that I dialed until I heard her out going greeting and left her a vm to call me back.

Meanwhile I succumbed to the effects of alcohol even more and stopped barfing long enough to pass out until my husband came home. He found me in bed where I had managed to climb into somehow and he knew right away that something was not right. He touched me and I opened my eyes and could barely see him and I started crying, but before I could tell him what was wrong I stumbled to the bathroom to throw up some more and then I laid down on the floor. My husband insisted that I get back into bed and had to help me there; he grabbed a bucket and a wash cloth and held my hair back for me each time until I would stop puking again. I cried like a baby and he tenderly took care of me all the while I felt like the biggest loser the world had ever known. A little while later the phone rings and it is my T. My husband answered and she was completely alarmed by the vm and the fearful condition I was in. When my husband assured her that I was “resting” she asked to speak to me briefly and she told me that we will talk about this more at my appointment the next day. Which we did and that is when she told me how alarming my phone call was for her to get. She said that I was barely coherent and she didn’t know what was wrong with me and thought that my husband or my daughter had tragically died. She said that she hoped that I learned something from this terrible experience. It was very humbling indeed. But would you believe that it still took several more months before I decided to quit?

I sit here contemplating my option to delete this message and to never post something so shamefully personal. I suppose no one really needs to know and no one really cares that much. But maybe someone else struggling with addiction will read this and hopefully know that you can rise above the pits of hell no matter how impossible it seems.

(((JM)))

Thankyou for that very truthful and personal post. I do care, and am extremely happy for your success. Your sharing is making a difference with me, and it really is something I needed to hear today.

You are a very strong, and amazing woman.
be proud.

Kats

JM,
Thank you for being so honest and sharing this part of your story. You have come so very far and I am so glad that you have. That you understand so much better now how to take care of yourself. That is an amazing place to come back from and proof that it can be done. You even more of my hero now.

AG

JM,

Many congrats on your 90! Like going to T, it's pretty amazing I imagine looking back at the small steps and realizing that they've come together into one. giant. bundle. of better.

That is such a fantastic milestone! I am so happy for you! Thank you for sharing it with us. Also thank you for your story. Two weeks ago I finally managed to get out what I feel is one of my most shameful confessions yet to my T and have been recovering ever since. Thank you for your willingness to share, it is inspiring.

JM... congratulations on your 90 days (and past that now). That is one awesome acccomplishment. You should be proud and reaching this point should motivate you to keep on going and going...

I also want to say it was very courageous and selfless for you to post your story. Someone out there could read it and it could make a real difference in their lives.

TN

Thank-you so much JM for sharing so deeply. It takes a lot of courage to face ourselves, to be truly honest. And, equally so, to risk sharing it with others.

And, as True North said, this post will be an inspiration to others.

Shrinklady