((((RT))))

Hi, RT.

I think your post could be added to the "Before You Post" section of this site, as an introduction to how it feels to post online That is to say, I think all of us feel this way to some extent, though some of us (e.g., myself) take fewer risks, both in sharing our selves and in reaching out to others.

I admire your courage and openness, two qualities I lack. But I know they come with a price: Exposure can hurt, badly. I'm sorry there is so much pain and struggle in it, but I think your willingness to continue trying demonstrates true bravery, true strength.

((((RT)))

RabbitEars

Hey RT... a while back blackbird started a thread on this very issue and gave a name for this "syndrome" which I can't recall right now. It resonated with a lot of people.

I do think that posting here is a reflection of how we handle relationships in real life even though this is in cyber-land. We have the same fears, doubts and insecurities when relating IRL. By learning to talk, reach out, support and not delete we are also learning to relate better in therapy and IRL. We learn to tolerate some ambiguity if someone does not respond or sounds like they don't agree or maybe did not really understand what we were trying to say. But I know sometimes it's hard.

I just wanted to add that I always enjoy your writings and think you write well. I don't always get a chance to respond due to my VERY hectic life schedule but I am listening.

Hugs
TN

RT,
This is microsm of the real world. The anonymity of being online and having your identity protected along with the fact that this is a group of people who understand the issues allows us to overcome our fear of exposing ourselves so that we can speak.

But just like real life, people have all kinds of priorties and shifting burdens and time constraints, so they make a decision to respond to people based on what for each of us is probably a pretty complicated algorithm. I know for me its made up of Do I have the time? Am I somewhere on a device that I can reply? Do I have the energy? Do I have anything relevant to say? Had what I have said to this person in the past helped or hurt? How deep a connection do I have to the person? etc etc. And other people will have other factors. But each person's time and energy is their own and it is their decision when they post.

But when we post, despite *knowing* we are safer here, we still are making a move to become more vulnerable and move closer to someone. If our unconscious, implicit understanding of relationship is that this is a dangerous move, its going to evoke feelings of anxiety, fear, etc. If we carry the added burden of having been abused in a way which led us to believe it is our fault, then any lack of responsiveness is going to evoke terrible feelings including what's wrong with me, when it really may not have all that much to do with you.

This is a good place to practice moving closer in relationships because 1)people here understand how hard it is 2) you can talk about it as you are doing now without people thinking your weird 3) you can control how much of you is out there by putting it up, but then removing it if it proves too much.

I think the trick to really benefiting from this is to focus in on ourselves and our reactions and feelings and ask the question what does this tell me about myself? rather than focusing on the other. That is the ideal we are striving for, but I must say that the application is usually haphazard and imperfect. As in real life.

AG

quote:

I am sure I sound stupid. Or over-bearing. Or too opinionated. Or too needy. I am disagreeable and abrasive and wrong. I am over-exposed, too vulnerable, fearful, under-confident. And more.

"I have cried both while writing and reading posts." Ditto!



Do it anyway RT, I take that risk all the time. It seems to be working out for my benefit, and a few others in here.

To thine own self be true.

Hello RT,
I just wished I could post relevant stuff that I need help with, but I'm so afraid. I commend you for posting. I learn from everybody here, including you. I want to be more of a contributor and hope to get there someday.

Thank you (((all))) for responding. If you've been reading me with any regularity, you know how much that means to me.

Liese, thanks for hugs.

RabbitEars, I think that anyone who posts takes a risk and displays some level of courage and openness, which you do not lack. Thank you for recognizing my willingness to continue trying. I was just thinking I was being stupid to keep putting myself in the same situation.

True North, I guess I am expressing a common feeling, eh? And you're right. The boards are a sandbox and what we express here and learn here does translate to RL. "Tolerating ambiguity?" I have to laugh. My T is ALWAYS talking about tolerating undertainty. Thank you, also, for your kind words about my writing. I'm glad you enjoy it.

Attachment Girl, thank (((you))) for responding. I am especially pleased, since we have had some "issues." I am trying to practice, with you, those things I need to be able to do in RL. So far, I think I'm moving in the right direction.

muff, you are bold, and I will try to follow your lead.

Draggers, aw, I'm sorry. It feels bad/hard for me, so I assume it's that way for you. PAD, huh?

Rebuilding Me, I've read lots of good things that you've posted. And I especially liked this: "I decided years ago that I would never be the first one to end a hug with my kids. The hug would only end when they are ready and pull away."

Here is the PAD link... it's so old even Mac is on there and I was my old username! Looks like a lot has been deleted, but the list at the start is great!

Posting Anxiety

I have a hard time posting too, I delete a lot of my stuff (regrettably, but necessary for my health at the time). There are also extreme issues I have in responding due to my personal attachment style or things I'm uncomfortable with. It is exactly how I react to people and relationships in real life, too! I hope you can find and receive what you comfortably need here and what will help.

Thanks Catalyst. I guess it's a fairly universal experience. When you get down to the basics, we really are more similar than we are different.

I totally understand what you're going through RT. I feel the way you do a lot.

What I tend to do is not go back to the thread or read any responses. I think this does harm to my relationships here and then I feel really bad about that. As time passes it gets harder and harder to go back and read or respond to the generous people who responded to me. Then I feel rude and ungrateful and selfish etc. It's so hard. I really like and respect the people who post here. I am honored when people respond.

Please don't take this the wrong way but I challenge you RT to keep this original post up. Just stay with the feelings. Recognize the support you have gotten. If someone says something that triggers you to remove your post sit with it and give it time.

~~~~ Easy for me to give advice. I need to follow my own advice.

(((RT))) I see you try so hard.

and for what it's worth, Monte, your posts are so insightful. i apreciate that you post at all, but am alway disappointed if i see reference to a post you made that i missed. just wanted to say that. you are valued here.

indeed, muff.

turtle... i so appreciate your post

monte, "Phew...now I can't be found/identified/seen/remembered/blamed/judged/hated/laughed at/scoffed at/etc" Exactly.

"yeah that" - what closed doors said.

I usually worry about whether or not my reply will be hurtful instead of helpful to someone. I usually reply to posts that resonant with me so at least whatever I say itis from a place of compassion and empathy.

yes, River, I know that feeling. I have posted something that hurt someone and it has made me be more careful in determining what I am going to respond to and how I will express myself. Sometimes I still think I'm not so good at it.

RT, I think being careful is good but we can't be too careful or we won't ever say anything, a mistake I often make IRL, and it seems no replies is worse than a compassionate reply that may also not completely agree.

A good connection is something we have always wanted RT. Ring, Ring.

LOL, Cuppa?

yes please. white with one

You again!
Reckon we deserve something a wee bit stronger GE.

We are all such a fukin class act!

muff why is it so f@$%ing heartbreaking?
im snotting in my tea

Oh, this is good snot though GE (low salt.) Bout time too.

quote:

I am sure I sound stupid. Or over-bearing. Or too opinionated. Or too needy. I am disagreeable and abrasive and wrong. I am over-exposed, too vulnerable, fearful, under-confident. And more.

Yes! I can so relate to that RT. Been there, done that, still wear the Tshirt.

FWIW, I have always enjoyed your writing...and I think this is a good topic.

As I'm writing this.......I am thinking about possibly deleting it. I guess sometimes we just go with it.....and sometimes we don't.

Not much of an answer.......but it's all I've got right now!

still afloat here my honorary Aussie

EWWW! Gross way to go.

Thanks Blu. I appreciate your post.

Thank you Hollow. It's hearing things like that that make posting worthwhile. I appreciate you saying something.

RT

quote:

I am sure I sound stupid. Or over-bearing. Or too opinionated. Or too needy. I am disagreeable and abrasive and wrong. I am over-exposed, too vulnerable, fearful, under-confident. And more.

Having another severe case of PAD. Creates quite a conundrum for me as the more I withdraw, the more I need connection. So I post and delete, post and delete, feeling anxious and hopeful after posting and relieved and depressed after deleting.

I have been shutting out people here on the forum (and if you are one of those folks, please try to understand that it doesn't have anything to do with you). This makes me feel crazy bad as well.

Someone at my support group says this withdrawing is "social anxiety." To me it seems like a major self-esteem issue. Maybe it's both.

RT

Hi RT,

When you're ready I'll be here listening. We all have stuff we're struggling with. No one here is immune to problems or issues.

Just wanted you to you were heard.

Jillann

quote:

Having another severe case of PAD. Creates quite a conundrum for me as the more I withdraw, the more I need connection.

quote:

Someone at my support group says this withdrawing is "social anxiety." To me it seems like a major self-esteem issue. Maybe it's both.

I found these to be very eloquent ways to express how you're feeling right now - and I often find myself in the same place (here, and elsewhere).

I tend to cocoon when I likely need not to, T helps me regoznie it. The problem though, is on the way out of the cocoon anxiety and/or anger can come up (I've found this to be true, for me, and learn it in my somatic therapy). It can make our re-entry bumpy which just makes the issue worse if we're rejected or can't get the worst or TRY to get the words and judge ourselves (post delete post delete, etc... a long running past time I share with you).

I think how you communicated here is lovely, even through a lot of pain. I hope you start to feel better and slowly reach back out to who you can, when you can. I do agree that the withdraw is a sort of social anxiety (fear of being around people for support, or whatever) but I've found, when I withdraw, my friends who know me well are always more than willing to pick back up. Usually I have to reach out to them first - or at least send them an 'I'm having a tough time, sorry to be out of contact, still really love you, sorry to be me it's just who I am, dammit, etc" e-mail.

Anyway, sorry this was long. It just sounds like you may be thawing our a little and I hope you can find the support you need again through whatever is going on. I'm not sure if I helped since.... I have no answers, I can really only very much relate!

Totally understand RT. Don't worry - everyone here is just wonderful!